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Friday, 9 August 2019

DCC Campaign Update:The Passion of the Lenny

In our last session, our semi-heroic gang had fought a very epic battle against part of the contingent of Wight Nationalists who were trying to break away from the Zombie Empire. They're here because the Wights have gotten hold of a Pythian Negabomb that could blow up the continent they spend the most time on, if they don't get it out of their hands. 


-"You guys took some damage you still had from the last adventure."
"Not really."
"The ratfucker wizard died!"
"Nothing of value was lost!"

-Suddenly, the Trans-mutant warrior (whose player wasn't here today) vanishes!
"What happened?"
"Probably some stupid Neutrality thing."
"Because Neutrality is stupid."
"What alignment are you?"
"I am Lawful!"
"Yes, I believe in the rule of law: Minocles' Law!"

-"As a DM, I don't believe in keeping notes of what had happened when an adventure is to-be-continued."

-"You guys, since we're here, we should throw grenades at the roof!"
"That's what Roman would want us to do!"
"Wait... Roman's in the Crown of Creation.. isn't that like, the highest roof of all the roofs?"
"Oh no!"
"And he's trying to get the negabomb!"
"Oh no!!"

-"The newbs find some bronze breastplates."
"We'll wear them!"
"Bill, you could wear one too!"
"No, I have too much boobage now."

-"I write 'catboy was here'."
"Not Belle?"
"No! I don't want to get a reputation!"

-The party is trying to find their way to the dungeons of the fortress, figuring that the negabomb will be there. They run into a pair of mutant slaves.
"Where's the dungeons?"
"You mean the ones below the castle?"
"Yes. Where are they?"
"...below the castle."

-"Take us to them."
"We can't! Please, we have to finish cleaning this room or we'll be eaten!"
"No, you don't need to do that anymore; we're here to free you!"
"What does that mean?"
"It means you're free now!"
"I don't understand."
"It means we killed your masters and now you are our slaves!"
"No! That's not what--"
"OH! We understand now, masters!"

-They make their way through the great hall, and the hall of portraits, where they see the massive portrait of the Zombie Empress has been defaced with graffiti saying 'Wight Power'.

-They get to the dungeons, and find a large temple room, with an altar with three skulls on it.
"Heidi touches the lead-lined skull... and vanishes!"
"I call him on the comm.. Heidi?"
"No answer."
"OK, he's dead."

-"Seriously, why do you people keep touching stuff!"
"YOU told him to, Bill!"

-"Damn it don't you have detect magic?"
"Why don't you use it?"
"You have locate object too, we could have used it to find the bomb by now!"

-"I didn't cast Detect Magic because I'm lazy."
"So the cleric is still part sky-mexican!"

-Heidi appears in a totally different temple, clearly  not in a dungeon but in some type of town, right in front of a Zombie Priest who's doing a zombie mass. There are some old lady zombies in the congregation.

-"Where am I?"
"You're in Billsport!"

-Heidi is teleported back to the group.
"I was in a town called Billsport!"
"Oh! I know, I remember that from when I was teleported to the past to Rat City. Billsport was a city founded by Bill the Elf."
"When did I do that?"
"Maybe you haven't done it yet. It's time travel so maybe its something you do, going back into the past, in the future!"
"If that's true, does it mean that sometime in the future he'll go back to being a man, instead of a weak and feeble woman?"
"Do you have insecurities about yourself, Minocles?"

-The party runs into 4 wights.
"Bill kills the first three with his fire spears. Minocles kills the last one."
"We would have had words, Bill, had you not left me at least one to slaughter!"
"I'm sorry Minocles, I'm just a weak and feeble woman so I'll leave you some more to kill next time..."

-Walking along a corridor, Minocles and Catboy fall into a pit full of dangerous oozes!
"Are you alive, Catboy?"
"Ok, good, then I fly over the pit and just keep going."

-"A leisure-suit-covered Wight jumps out of a closet and takes Bill by surprise!!"
"Heidi will grapple... natural 20!"
"You pin him down World-Wrestling-Federation style!"

-"How can I help you?"
"We have Belle the Elf."
"You mean Bill?"
"No, Belle!"
"I don't know who that is?"
"Oh! You're sexy."
"I know."
"How would you like to be with a wight, baby?"

-"The Dwarf newb goes into the very small tunnel and sees three floating creatures that look like big leathery balls coming toward him."
"Guys, there's three flying testicles coming toward us!"

-"the newb dwarf will hit the testicle"
"Are you sure?"

-"What are the other newbs doing?"
"We back away."
"I back away farther."
"Displaying your cowardice?"

-"One of the testicular orbs nudges against Heidi, but nothing seems to happen to him."
"See? They're healthy!"

-Bill gets bored and casts magic missile at the Testicular orbs; he vanishes into the Neutral Zone while the orbs each explode in a massive blast!
"Thanks, Bill!"
"It's OK, we're in the Neutral zone."

-Lenny is dead!
"I check his eyes."
"You can't find them, he was right by the explosion, his entire face was blasted off."

-"Death by an explosive testicle!"
"After all those times Vizi told him not to eat the balls!"
"That right there is going to be the title of this session."

-"We should go to an alternate timeline and bring a Lenny here."
"He'd be Cool Lenny!"
"No, THIS was Cool Lenny. The Alternate-timeline one would be some kind of asshole Lenny."
"He'd be Vegan Lenny!"
"Yeah, that would be much worse than Cannibal Lenny."

-The team runs into some golem-statues. One of them fires a beam and hits the Sky-Cleric in the leg, crippling him!
"Don't worry, legs grow back!"

-"Heidi fires two whole clips at the giant golem and misses completely."

-"The sky cleric shouts: you son of a bitch, you broke my leg! Then he runs away."

-"Heidi tries to fire a third clip."
"Natural one. Your rifle slips out of your hand and shatters."
"Good! Because my next action was going to be to shatter the fucking thing myself!"
"So what's your second action now?"
"I fly into the corner and curl up into a ball... I need a minute, guys."

-"Is crying a free action?"

-The party gets in touch with the Zombie Empress, via a magical communication circle.
"Weren't you banished from my Empire?"
"Yes, but now we're helping!"

-"We restarted G.O.D.!"
" restarted is it?"
"Its safe. We left an IT guy up there."

-"Wait... you guys aren't planning to USE the bomb, are you? You did understand what it's capable of doing, right?"
"Yeah, but we could use it on another Plane..."
"Or to blow up the Sky-Fuhrer!"
"I don't object to killing the Sky-Fuhrer, but I think that The Man already has that one covered?"
"Fuck you!"

-"OH! We could sell it!"
"As long as it wasn't to someone who would use it somewhere we care about."
"But you'd still be responsible for the death of millions."
"Only secondhand..."

-"Wait, you have Bill the Elf with you?"
"She's Belle the Elf now!"

-"Damn it, you guys blew my cover, already!"
"Oh. Oops."
"You just have to change your name again... like, how about Karen?"
"I guess Karen is OK too..."
"You guys know you're still inside the communication circle, right?"
"OK, I guess Karen is out too."

-After some time wandering through the massive complex, Heidi goes back to the communication circle to ask the Empress for help finding the bomb.
"There's a secret room adjacent to the temple, have you checked there?"
"No! That must be it. Thanks. I fly back to the rest of the party."
"You get lost and can't find them."
"Oh for fuck's sake!"

-"Guys? I'm lost!"
"Seriously? Sky-Cleric, teleport him back."
"Can't we just give him directions?"
"No, Heidi has no idea how to follow directions."
"It works!"
"I just spent 500gp on you because you have no direction sense, Heidi."

-The party finds the secret room, and the bomb, but it's being guarded by a Demon!
"The Demon roars, all of you have to make Will saving throws."
"Everyone except Bill fails."
"The entire party, except Bill, run away screaming from the room, scooby-doo style."
"Catboy is Scooby!"

-"Hey, Heidi is charmed by Bill, and Bill is in danger; plus, he is controlled by a Sword that hates demons... so does that maybe override the Fear effect?"
"Sorry, but the newest thing controlling your feeble mind overrides the other two things."

-"When your Fear effect wears off, you're all huddled together in the corner of a room."
"Let us never talk of this again."

-The demon leaves the temple searching for Bill (who slipped into the Neutral Zone), but instead he runs into the other PCs who were on the way back.
"Oh shit!"
"The Demon has four arms!"
"How many nipples does he have?"
"He's just like Heidi."

-After the Demon is dealt with, Catboy manages to deactivate the bomb.
"did he just mash the keyboard with his paws?"

-"When I deactivated the bomb, I leveled up!"
"You didn't even tell us he was in the Danger Zone!"

And on this bombshell, we leave the session. The PCs have the deactivated Negabomb, but now they need to get it out of here without running into the other massive dangers of the White House. Plus, without Saint Lenny to have their backs. He's eating the angels now.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Horn + Image Virginia

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