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Friday, 24 January 2020

DCC Campaign Update: No One Is Wearing Pants

In our last session, the PCs had finished a side quest, and were planning their trip to the Death Race 3001, when they suddenly found out that the communication with Fort Dread was offline, and the mobster/IT-guy in Minotauria was being very cagey about it. So, the PCs decided that before heading up to the Skyshield, they would go back down to Fort Dread to find out what had happened.

-"Do we get to Fort Dread yet? Because I really don't want to continue this conversation about Chariss and Big Fat Merlin..."

-"Now this might be all the meth I took, but didn't that sky-mexican used to have a sky-nazi accent?"

-"Does the flying bus have auto-pilot, Merlin?"
"It has a brick on the pedal, if that counts as auto-pilot?"

-"Has it been a week yet? Do I get another save?"
"From what?"
"Bill's Charm Person."
"Oh, I think there's 3 more days."
"It's OK, now that Heidi isn't controlled by the daemon-killing sword, he's got no reason to kill me."
"He's friends with me still."
"It'll all be fine!"

-The PCs arrive at Castle Dread.
"You see that the communications tower appears to have been torn down. And the heads of the mob enforcer and mob IT-guy are on spikes on the castle walls."
"Was the tower cut down?"

-They're taken to Sandi's throne room, where she's still extremely pregnant.
"There you are! Where have you been?"
"Side quest."

"You do get that I'm on a timeline here, right? I wanted to kill Sezrekhan before this baby was born..."
"We can go kill Sezrekhan right after the baby is born!"
"Well, after the Death Race.."
"Shh, Heidi!"
"We should just forget about the Death Race this year.."
"Wait... tell me about this 'death race'.."

-"There's two things you need to know about the Death Race!"

-"It's a big race that happens in the Sky-Shield."
"The Sky-shield on the Sun??"
"Yeah Sandi, and then if you like you could conquer the Sky-Shield!"
"No, Bill..."
"I mean, you'd have to take the Citadel and then go into the sun and kill all the Jesuses..."
"No, Bill!"
"Screw Sezrekhan, let's go do that!!"
"God damnit, Bill..."

-"Yeah but come on Sandi, you want to kill Sezrekhan, don't you?"

-"So there's people on the sky-shield?"
"Catboy's actually from there!"
"Are they all like him?"
"OK, that's alright then."

-"The Citadel is controlled by the Wardens."
"Do they have treasure?"
"They can make platinum with their minds."
"...these guys shit out platinum??"

-"Here's the plan: in a couple of days I'll cut this baby out of me, then we'll go the sun, win this race, and then take this Citadel."
"And then what? You'll stay there?"
"No, I'll take over the citadel, then conquer the sun, and make these wardens shit out unlimited platinum!"

-"But Sandi, how will you conquer the world after that?"
"I just said... I'll have slaves who shit out unlimited platinum."
"But, you'll flood the market! There will be devaluation!"

-"Can we really take Sandi when she's about to have a kid?"
"Sure, we can take Sandi. Don't forget we have Mr.Roboto with us."
"All his medical programs were erased!"
"Yeah, but he still has his little labcoat!"

-"Well, let's reprogram him. Catboy?"
"Let me see inside him..."
"You see Mr.Roboto has a little switch next to his positronic brain that's labeled 'Kill All Organics?' and a yes/no toggle. It's currently set to no. Do you change it?"

-"There, he's been programmed to provide medical service again."
"Now he's Dr.Roboto!"

-"Dr.Roboto how would you proceed to induce pregnancy on Sandi here?"
"Do you have those?"
"We have drugs!"

-There's some kind of disturbance outside the walls.
"Come on everyone, we better check this out!"
"Catboy is going to take advantage of the commotion to stay behind while the others have gone and play on the organ of human intestines."

-Sandi summons her three lieutenants.
"There's a tough-looking human warrior with an eyepatch, a tough looking orc, and a short sneaky looking guy with slicked black hair."
"Hey, is that guy a relative of wormtongue??"

-"Ok, here's the plan. When I go to the sky-shield, you'll come with me Lt. Blake."
"Then we'll leave you nominally in charge Orc Lieutenant, but you'll probably be murdered pretty quick by you, Sneaky Lieutenant, and you'll take over, and then I'll kill you when I return. Got that?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Yes ma'am."

-The party get up on the ramparts and see that Fort Dread has been surrounded by a vast mixed army of elves, dwarves, halflings, humans, mutants, war-elephants, Ack'bashian Jihadis on flying carpets, sky ships of many varieties, what look like small angry clouds of dust, and much more.
"Who are you people?"
"We're the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee!"

-"But you guys, Bill has become a female elf now, so if you killed him you're just being transphobic!"
"...we shall confer on this."

-"From some of the accounts of the Anti-Bill vigilance committee, it's clear that Bill's getting blamed for a lot of stuff he didn't do. Also, that Fake Bill didn't do."
"There's probably more than one fake-bill!"
"Yeah, there's like a Second Bill, Nerd Bill, Robot Bill, Bald Bill..."

-"Don't worry, Bill's impeachment will be quashed by the Senate. And by 'senate' I mean us."

-The representatives of the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee come back.
"We have communicated with the Azure Tower. They have given us a Free Pass."
"So it's not transphobic to kill Bill?"
"Oh shit!"
"Oh sure, if you're a woman now but conservative it somehow doesn't count!"

-"Well I'm a cleric, and I say G.O.D. wants Bill alive!"
"We are a group of clerics of the anti-Bill committee. Are you aware how many clerics' deaths Bill is responsible for?"
"That doesn't matter! PROVE that G.O.D. himself doesn't want to kill Bill"
"I'll use divine aid to call him..."
"Its Roman, see?"
"That's not G.O.D.!"
"Where have you assholes been? I've been waiting to hear from you again. Have you got any further in your plan to destroy Sezrekhan?"
"No, but see, there's this big alliance of people here to kill Bill..."
"Whatever; listen: I have stuff to tell you. I spoke with Zargon and--"
"Oh shit, take it off speaker!"
"Did he just say Zargon??"

-"So Zargon won't help us directly, but he did tell me about something that could help you defeat Sezrekhan, if you can get at him outside his realm or with the aid of a Cone of Neutrality... it's called Potion 21."
"Potion 21?"
"Yes. It's the most powerful control potion in the world. 30% of the time, it works every time!"
"Yeah! And the other 70% of the time it works 30% of the time!"
"It's illegal in nine planes!"

-"What plane is it not illegal in?"
"The City of the Atheists."
"I always wanted to go there!!"
"Why, Catboy?"
"It just sounds cool. And we've seen like every main plane except the City of the Atheists and the Garden."
"And the Garden sounds more boring?"

-"Catboy is going to try something stupid that's not going to work."
"No, it'll work! I bet my pants it will!"
"OK, let's give Catboy the chance to lose his pants."

-"I'm Lexei, current chairperson of the council of Azure Wizards."
"Hi! We think Bill is being unfairly persecuted."
"We know Bill the Elf is a master manipulator."
"No, he's actually a complete idiot!"
"He has like INT 6!"

-"You're being prejudiced against Bill!"
"I can't be prejudiced against Bill, he's much more powerful than I am!"
"You had the power to give permission to this army to kill Bill, didn't you?"
"This conversation is over!"

-"You have 30 minutes to hand over Bill, or we will attack. Also, the Azure Tower has now also given us a pass to kill the Catboy; but we won't use it because we don't want to help the Sky-Fuhrer."

-"We want to call Bill's lawyer."
"We would allow that, he will be tried and judged by us when he is in our custody. But who would dare to represent the most hated elf in the world?"
"Bob Loblaw the Law Blob!"
"Bob Loblaw?"
"Yes. Bob Loblaw the Law Blob loves the law!"

-"What kind of sky-ships are in the Anti-Bill army?"
"All kinds. Lol hates you guys, Fuck Station Aleph hates you guys, what's left of the sky-police hates you. The sky-nazis hate you too but they weren't invited."
"What about the Sky-Mexicans?"
"Well, you're not sure, but one of the sky-ships looks like a sombrero."

-"Blake could be a sky-pirate, he's already got an eyepatch!"
"I bet you're wondering where I got this eyepatch..."
"Um, I guess now I am."
"It was a Shit Eater!"
"Oh, we've fought those."
"No, the one I found was already dead. But I got some fecal matter in my eye and it gave me a bad infection."
"Yeah. I should never have tried to have sex with that Shit-Eater corpse."

-"Maybe Chariss could help?"
"Don't do it Chariss! Don't have sex with a shit-eater corpse. Its the greatest feeling in the world but you'll lose an eye!"
"We're not talking about that Blake, you sick fuck!"

-"Don't do it Chariss, they're all going to laugh at you!"
"Chariss has taught you well!'

-The PCs try to escape with Planar Step, but the mages of the Anti-Bill army were prepared for that, and the party find themselves trapped in a pocket plane!
"I'll check with Second Sight if there's an exit."
"Second Sight says yes."
"The cleric searches for some secret door.."
"You find nothing."
"Catboy searches."
"You find nothing."
"Bill searches."
"You find nothing."

-"The fucking Second Sight was wrong!"
"It's a useless spell."
"Someone once told me that a summoning that has a 30% chance of working is really great, and a divination that has a 70% chance of being accurate is useless."

-"I could try to escape to the Neutral Zone, but I'd have to shoot someone with a Magic Missile."
"I could summon snakes and you could shoot them!"
"You need a really high roll to actually summon snakes. Otherwise you can only "summon" them if there are snakes nearby."
"Maybe there's some snakes in this tiny empty pocket plane?"
"Are you saying there's goddamn snakes in this goddamn pocket plane?"

-"The Catboy doesn't want to stay in this pocket plane so he takes the drug that will shift him to another pocket plane based on his deepest subconscious desires."
"You all see the catboy disappear in the smoke; the catboy finds himself on a bed of cushions where Anema and Bovinia are both there fanning him, and no one is wearing pants."

-"Heidi is going nuts in this prison. He's needs to start killing people soon..."
"From his pocket plane, Catboy feels safe."

-The Cleric finally uses Divine Aid to get out of the pocket prison, except Catboy (who is still in the pocket plane).
"Between all the things we've just defaulted into Divine Aid, I've spent like 13000gp this session."

-"While being shifted through the planes Bill momentarily senses a vision of a duck, and he's really evil."
"Hey, I know that from somewhere..."

-The party seems to have teleported into Coolland.
"As soon as Heidi arrives, he sends a tweet!"
"What does it say?"
"I'm Back! #"

-After a brief hello with Queen Zoey, the party rushes off (via planar step) back to the Superfly II.
"So we are just leaving the Catboy, and the Anti-Bill Army down there?"
"Yup. We just can't ever go back to the Northern Continent."
"So we're not longer just getting banned from cities or floating islands, or whole countries or kingdoms, but entire continents?"
"And some entire planes too."

-The party gets some rest as they fly toward the Sky-shield.
"Dr. Roboto, watch over me while I sleep."
"Goddamn it. I forgot robots all do this."

-After Catboy is dropped out of his fantasy-pocket-plane, he's teleported back to the material plane by the Anti-Bill Vigilance Committee.
"If you want your freedom, you'll have to help us kill Bill."
"He'll just kill me. Plus there's no point. Even if you kill him as long as he has a phylactery he'll come back."
"OK... if you tell us where the Phylactery is, we will free you."
"Zargon has it."
"He is telling the truth."
"Very well, since our psychic has confirmed it, we'll keep our part of the bargain and teleport you wherever you want."
"Fuck Station Aleph."

-The Anti-Bill army teleports Catboy to FSA, but they end up teleporting him into one of the deep lower levels, full of deadly radiation and psychotic robots.
"I run away from the glowing walls!"
"OK, you run into an area where the walls glow a bit less."
"I keep running!"
"OK, now you've run into an area where the walls glow even more!"

-Catboy manages to get somewhere that he can use his commlink and the Cleric teleports him to the Superfly II.

-"Where was the catboy?"
"He was trapped with us in the pocket plane, but then when I used Divine Aid he didn't come with us because he'd slipped into his own pocket plane. So I guess that when that expired he was still in the place where we were?"
"Yeah, that's what happened..."

-"Are we all ready for Death Race 3001??"
"At the start of this race, my child will be born... and by the end of the race, she will have made her first kill!"
"Um... OK..."

-"We are going to get some kind of land-vehicle, and then split our numbers between that and the Superfly II, right?"
"OK. So who is going where?"
"Heidi will go on the Superfly because he is a pacifist!"
"Say what now?"

-"The time has come, and so have we!"

-"I'm going to go check out my old orphanage in the shantytown outside the citadel."
"You never had an orphanage, catboy. You grew up in the streets."
"You dreamed of getting to be in an orphanage!"

-"Heidi, you have to watch out for your first wife!"
"Nah, it'll be fine. What's the worst that could happen?"

-"We could paint our armor."
"I would paint nipples on mine..."
"No, Bill! Don't remind Heidi of what he's lost!"
"Wait... Heidi, you lost your nipples too?"
"Blake? You lost your nipples?"
"How the hell did that happen?"
"It's a long story..."
"tell us!"
"No! No one ask Blake to explain the sick shit he did!!"
"I whisper to him: tell me later.."
"I will!"

-When it's accidentally confirmed that Sandi is having a girl, debate ensues as to its name.
"What will she be called?"
"What about Heidi?"
"That's a boy's name. Heidi is a boy."
"No, it's a girl's name."
"Nah its a boy's name."
"I'm pretty sure its short for Heidibediah!"

-"All of you shut up! The baby will EARN her name when it has her first kill, just as I did."
"Huh? Sandi?"
"My first kill was on a beach."

-The party find a vehicle they like, a war-tank being used by a band of sky-vikings.
"We will challenge you."
"I am the chief of this war party, and I will fight your champion."
"Our champion is that pregnant woman."

-Sandi kicks the shit out of the viking chief, and the party gains the battle tank, and its pilot.
"What's your name, pilot?"
"My name is Unter Untersson."

-Meanwhile, Bill tries to claim the high-tech vehicle of a group of "mentoids" from "The Communality"
"They look human but with no body hair and transparent skull-crowns showing their huge brains."
"You are welcome to become part of the Communality. We welcome anyone to join us of their own free will, for now."
"I'm going to take this vehicle from you."
"No. As you wish us violence, we will make you part of the communality... make a saving throw."
"I fail."
"They turn you into someone who looks just like them and now you're just part of their hive-mind."

-"The Communality will win this race with our great psychic force. Observe! We can move tiny objects with the force of our thoughts!  They move a small rock in the air."

-The party sleep-runes the communality.
"Whew. I'm glad that actually worked!"
"But which one is bill's body? They all look the same!"

-"How the fuck do we fix him?"
"It's moments like this you need the Lord!"

-Bill is restored to his own separate consciousness, but now he has the body of a mentoid.
"You have a transparent brain dome now!"
"Also, your body is completely neuter. You're like a freaky ken doll."

-"All Bill's stuff was in the communality vehicle, which we completely forgot to search while bringing Bill back."
"We head over there."
"By the time you get there, everything has been totally stripped. It's all gone."
"Even the Sun-Staff?"

And on that terrible disappointment, we leave the party for now.
Will Bill get his stuff back before the Death Race 3001 begins? Will the now ridiculously-large party win the race? Will Sandi's baby be born and make its first kill? Stay tuned to find out!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Poker + Country Doctor

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