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Friday, 26 July 2019

DCC Campaign Update: I Guess The Whole Diplomacy Plan Failed

In our last session, the PCs had managed to save the universe (again), and to reboot G.O.D. (albeit a badly brain-damaged version of the original program). Leaving Roman to run things in the Crown of Creation and to most likely become an eventual megalomaniac, they returned to the Sun to rest and recuperate.


-"From now on 'coming' is another word we are no longer allowed to use in this campaign."

-"From now on, the Trans-Mutant Warrior is also known as the Champion of Neutrality."
"The best way to get a nickname in this campaign is randomly."

-"We ought to use our one wish to stop our enemies!"
"Except that would probably affect Bill since he's bound to betray us."
"Are you saying that in character, while Bill is right there?"
"It's cool."

-"Remember that Nikos said the wish was cursed!"
"What's the worst that could happen?"
"Yeah, he said it's just a little cursed!"

-Unable to agree on a proper wish, the party disperses.
"Quickly, to the hydroponics lab!"

-Some of the party visit Korean Jesus.
"Were there other Jesuses before, I mean aside from the ones that were killed by the demon?"
"Oh yeah, there was Surfer Jesus, Robot Jesus, Orthodox Jesus, Dinosaur Jesus, there were lots of Jesuses!"

-Later the party gets back together, and decide they're going to use their wish to bring back all the Jesuses.
"I like how you all already suspect that this wish is going to end up going terribly wrong, so much so that you won't even bother to do a Divination about it, but you're still going to do it anyways."

-"The wish made, the room is now filled with Jesuses of all kinds. There's Hippy Jesus, Filipino Jesus, Takes-Heroin-On-Your-Behalf Jesus..."
"There's the Jesus that gives people cancer.."
"There's Sloth Jesus!"

-"You are unwelcome here!"
"But... we saved you guys!"
"Yeah, and Lenny's a saint!"
"Only because you ate some of us, motherfucker!"
"Only your corpses, after you were dead!"
"To be fair, with the whole 'eat of my flesh' stuff, you guys were kind of asking for it!"
"Yeah, plus you guys have Cannibal Jesus!"
"Hey! I am South Pacific Jesus, you racist!"

-"Dinosaur Jesus makes dinosaur sounds."
"Hey, remember that most of us speak Dinosaur!"
"You speak Time Dinosaur, this is Dinosaur Aramaic."

-"Persecuted Chinese Christian Jesus and Chinese Communist Party Sanctioned Jesus are staring at each other menacingly."

-"Hunk Jesus becomes furious when he finds out that Catboy had slept with Anema."
"Wait.. I'm not sleeping with her now... Krishnan is!"
"Hunk Jesus flies into a rage and heads toward Anema's quarters."
"Well, we've done it now..."

-"I cast divination: if we stick around here any longer, will things go badly for us."
"You shake the tablet and the message appears: all signs point to yes."

-"Hey everyone, Hunk Jesus and Krishnan are about to fight!"
"Quick, let's teleport out of here!"
"Remember: we did a good thing here!"

-When the PCs get back to Wisconsin and their waiting UFOe, they get hailed, from the Crown of Creation, by Roman!
"You guys have to go deal with something: there's an unexploded Pythian Negabomb in the Zombie Empire. If it goes off, it will pretty much extinguish all life in most of the Northern Continent!"
"OK, where exactly is it?"
"That's what put me on alert. It's been recently moved to a fortress known as the Wight House. Apparently, these fuckers like puns."

-They head back to the Material Plane, to get to the Wight House; along the way they run into a Sky-Nazi Shuttle.
"Let's destroy it!"
"It's unarmed."
"Then I'll punch it!"

-The party arrives above the Zombie Empire.
"Ship, how long can you hover?"
"...those parameters are acceptable."

-"Hey, we forgot Minocles!"
"No, Minocles is here. Minocles just hasn't had anything to say since we have been loafing instead of killing things!!"

-Bill has polymorphed himself into a female blue elf.
"So now I think I should be named Belle!"

-"So it's Belle, like that 'hit or miss' girl?"
"NO! Belle's the skank who sold her bathwater. Don't you dare sully the good name of the hit or miss girl!"
"The Hit or Miss girl is like Heidi, except with Heidi they never hit."

-The PCs get to the Wight House.
"Death to the Zombie Empress!"
"We're not with the Zombie Empress, but we'll kill you anyways!"
"I guess the whole 'diplomacy' plan failed."

-"The Zombies you aren't already attacking ring a loud alarm bell."
"Well, there's goes the element of surprise!"

-"Bill gets hit by a Wight and loses 2 STR"
"Well, now I'm pissed!"

-"The large gates open and Wyvern-rider Wights attack!"
"Wight Power!!!"
"They're real bad guys!"

-"The Trans-warrior takes a wild swing, and decapitates a fucking wyvern with the Sword of Neutrality while blinded!"
"He used The Force!!"
"The Force of Neutrality!"

-"Minocles is coming to your aid!"
"No, you're supposed to say 'arriving'!!"

-"Heidi killed three guys in one whirlwind attack."
"The Trans-Mutant Warrior is going to do the same!"
"I doubt you're cool enough to make it but go ahead..."
"I rolled a 7."
"You miss everyone while loudly shouting 'whirlwind attack!!!'."
"It was a whirlwind of neutrality!"

-"Catboy takes out the last wyvern with a sniper shot!"
"He was effective because no one could see him."

-"At that point, more wyvern riders show up!"
"You know, we're being very XP-inefficient. We've been fighting for hours of real time, and we're only going to get 4xp for all of this!"

-"I crawl stealthily toward the stairs."
"You hear voices at the bottom of the stairs so you assume more of the zombies and wights are coming."
"What have we done?"

-Lenny and the Ratfucker Wizard are both down.
"Lenny survived!"
"Ohhh.. everything hurts, especially my Personality!"

-"Bill hasn't actually changed bodies, you know. It's just basically plastic surgery."
"He destroyed 3 tiny civilizations for that plastic surgery, you know!"

-"Sadly, the Ratfucker Wizard has died."
"And his rat?"
"Yes, also dead."
"Oh, pity!"

-"Suddenly, a trio of non-undead climb out of one of the wyvern pits: it's a Mud Mutant, a human and a dwarf."
"Hey, I think they're newbs!"
"Don't kill them! At least two of them look delicious!"

-"I crush the skull of the last zombie soldier with my bare hand."

-"More are on their way!"
"Awesome! We might actually get some more XP after all."

-"Who are you people?"
"We've been sent from G.O.D., and the Jesuses!"
"There's tons of them up there right now."
"It's probably like the Hunger Games by now."

-As the PCs plan to head down into the Wight House Fortress, they see a gargantuan army of undead heading toward the fortress, about 12 hours march away.
"That's probably the Zombie Empress."
"We probably shouldn't be here when she arrives..."

And with that, after a battle that took up nearly 4 hours of real time, the session was done. Will the PCs be able to get past even larger hordes of zombies and wights? Will they stop the Negabomb from exploding? Find out next time!


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Elizabethan Mixture

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