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Friday 4 October 2019

DCC Campaign Update: Heidi is an Abused Spouse

In our last session, the PCs had just beaten one of the biggest dragons they'd ever fought (not counting Tiamat, in Bill's case), and incredibly got out with their lives, only just.


-Catboy tricks Bill onto the teleport pad in an attempted coup d'etat.
"Stand here, OK?"
"Bill looks at you, cocks a brow, and says: You know there's going to be consequences if this is a trap, right?"
"OK... he stands on the pad."
"I press the button and teleport him away. Computer, take us out, full speed!"

-"The sky-cleric will throw the goddamned bowling ball on the teleport pad as Bill's being beamed away!"
"Too late. The teleport effect passed. The Bowling ball lands on the teleport pad shattering part of it."
"You broke it!"
"Don't worry, Bill can cast Mend... oh wait."

-"Let's go to Castle Dread!"
"The home of the Grandmother of my Grandchild, or something like that!"

-"Computer, is there a sky-Mexico?"
"Good god no! Never!"

-"We should have Sandi join us in the Death Race 3001!"
"Yeah.. wait no, my other wife is there!"
"Oh yeah, that warrior-woman you betrayed and abandoned!"
"It's probably fine..."
"Her last words to you were literally 'you have not seen the last of me'!"

-"The Sky-Cleric is going to try some of the magic moss."
"Ok, a few minutes later, he explodes what looks like gushers of body fluid out of every pore. He loses 100lbs of his body weight and passes out."
"Holy shit!"
"Make a luck check to survive."
"I made it."
"OK, you survived."
"But now he's as thin as a concentration camp victim."

-"This is what happens to us after 3 minutes without Bill!"

-"Once we're in range of the interwebs I try to contract a Private Investigator."
"OK, your search gets thousands of results. What are you looking for?"
"I want one that's kind of expensive, and is also a blob."
"Two important qualities in a P.I.!"

-"You find the profile of a Blob private investigator named Blobmas Magnum."
"Does he have a mustache?"
"Yes, though you think it's just stuck on."
"Is he wearing a hawaian shirt?"
"No, but there's a little hawaian shirt inside floating inside his transparent body."

-"I'm looking for Georges Wittelsbach Lorraine McClarion Hoppy."
"Do you have any information on him?"
"The only things I know about him is that he hired a Death Angel to try to kill me, and that the s in Georges is silent."

-As the party rests on the way to Castle Dread, Heidi levels up.
"Your new title is Exemplar."
"Lol. An exemplar of what?"

-"We're approaching the airspace around the Castle Dread."
"Put WE COME IN PEACE on the loudspeaker every 5 minutes."
"No, wait, every 1 minute."
"That'll probably just make them want to attack us more."

-The party lands in front of the Dread Fort.
"We seek an audience with Sandi."
"Wait... I cast Second Sight to see if we get an audience."
"A guard shouts: He's a caster! They point about a hundred crosswbows right at you."
"No wait, he's a cleric!"
"They're the worst ones!"

-"The guards open the gate and you see there the dark warlord-queen Sandi. She's extremely pregnant."
"Does she look angry?"
"Yes, but she always does."

-"Is that the woman, Heidi?"
"Why are you whispering, Heidi?"
"I'm afraid."
"...I've never seen that before!"

-"We wanted you to know that Zargon is alive."
"I know. Who do you think I've been fighting all this time?"
"Oh, sorry."
"Also, Sezrekhan is still alive too."

-"How did you get all these men, Sandi?"
"I conquered the Badlands."
"So YOU are the deadliest predator of the badlands?"
"In answer, Sandi opens the doors to the castle to reveal the biggest Giant-Weasel-skin rug you've ever seen."

-"So if you're the greatest two warriors in the world, I can't wait to see what your kid is going to be like!"
"Based on what we know our grandson is like, this kid might be a huge disappointment."

-"Well, there was that alternate future timeline where Harry was a badass warlord."
"Wait, what? Harry?"
"Well, it was a nightmare future where everyone was dead and G.O.D. was completely fucked."
"So you're saying all I need to make sure Harry is a badass is to kill G.O.D.?"
"What? No! No!!"

-"But Sandi, in that timeline you were a slave to Zargon again, and he made you a badass warrior."
"...Zargon turned me even more badass?"
"You're not helping!!"

-That evening the party dines at Sandi's invitation, with entertainment consisting of a human-xylophone of torture victims trained to scream at set tones when they're whipped.
"You see? We are not without our culture here in the Dreadlands.."
"I'm both horrified and impressed."

-Sandi wants Sezrekhan dead, so the Sky-Cleric contacts Roman in the Crown of Creation to try to get him to convince Zargon to attack Sezrekhan.

-"Sandi, please don't conquer Coolland..."
"Why shouldn't I?"
"Because its too cool!"
"Oh! I know! You should conquer Mra instead! It's a city full of misogynists!"
"Hmm... where's this city?"
"Its on the other side of Coolland from here... oh no."

-"So are you claiming Coolland for yourself, Heidi?"
"Um.. I guess.. I am?"
"Heidi, speak up for yourself!"
"I'm scared!"
"Heidi is an abused spouse!"

-"You can do it, Heidi, stand up for yourself! After I say that, I go and hide behind a column."

-"I hope that by the time I am dead, our child will inherit the rule of the entire Northern Continent. Of course, whether they can keep it will depend on whether they're competent, or like Harry."

-"The sky-cleric contacts Roman, wanting to speak to him directly."
"OK. A few moments later there's a flash of light, and a glowing winged Celestial appears out of nowhere, saying Be Not Afraid."
"Oh cool!"
"Sandi leaps into action and attacks, partially disemboweling it."
"Oh no!!"
"Its spilling pure liquid light out of its guts!"

-"Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you people?!"
"It was Sandi!"

-"Can't we just destroy the daemons?"
"You have to understand something, when the Daemons were under G.O.D.'s control, they were the ones who kept things working."
"Couldn't you get someone else to do that? Like... maybe Chariss?"
"I'd do the best job I can!!"
"Chariss is high on angel-blood right now."
"She's glowing!"

-"We could steal Sezrekhan's phylactery."
"What's his phylactery?"
"It's the Libram of the 10 Spheres."
"Oh damn."

-"Roman, we want you to contact Zargon, who's obviously in love with you, to help us get Sezrekhan out of the Plane of the Mind."

-"Fine. I don't think it'll work, but I'll try to contact Zargon. Don't do anything stupid until I get back to you."
"We promise nothing!"

-"we could get you a communication connection to the Upper Band."
"They could get you weapons."
"So you're arms dealers now?"

-"How does being a Halconlord feel?"
"You feel invulnerable, and like you want to dominate the weak."
"How can she tell the difference from now?"

-"Why don't we ask Jal'udin for help? He could help us with Sezrekhan!"
"Why not? He only betrayed us twice.."

-"Are you really planning to go fight Sezrekhan in your... condition, Sandi?"
"If my child isn't tough enough to survive it doesn't deserve to."
"Survival of the fittest?"
"Or, in this case, the fetus."

-"Catboy is going to look up 'how to defeat a patron on their own plane' on the interwebs."
"You find a lot of junk, including a thread in a discussion forum where people are saying a lot of stupid things. But someone mentioned something about a 'Sphere of Neutrality'."
"They're also flaming each other, and one guy is calling everyone else on the forum a sky-nazi."
"I type: 'you're all a bunch of virgins'."

-"How are our old companions?"
"Well, Lenny's dead."
"Oh, that's sad. I kind of liked him."
"He touched a testicle and it killed him."
"He died as he lived."

-"I'll want some of those guns."
"Yeah, we gave them to Minocles and he was happy with them."
"Minotaurs with energy weapons?"
"It sounds like a game of Age of Empires gone wrong!"
"That describes this entire campaign in one sentence."

-"we need to contact the lords of neutrality, but I can take care of that."
"What the hell, Catboy?! Are you a wizard now?"
"I have my way. I just took down a dragon!"
"Bad ass!"
"He just pawed at a scroll with his paws until it did something!"

-So as not to have Heidi murder him, Catboy takes the Trans-warrior aside and has him invoke the Lords of Neutrality.
"We are the Lords of Neutrality. Hello."
"Hello. Can you communicate with the Catboy?"
"We could but we don't want to. He's neutral, but not neutral enough."

-"I'll tell you what to say, Trans-warrior!"
"The trans-warrior is almost level 3, looks like his balls have begun to descend."

-"Sezrekhan has defied death. That goes against neutrality."
"You are technically correct... that is the best kind of correct!"

-"If you could find a Neutral wizard, who would be willing to devote himself to our patronage, and so maybe would..."
"You could consider that your quest. Or don't."

-"We need to find a neutral wizard."
"If only I hadn't called those guys virgins, they might have helped me."
"They're wizards, so maybe that's a compliment to them?"
"I cast Magic Shield to protect my Virginity!"

-"I want to tell Sandi our plan, but don't want Heidi to hear it.. can Heidi read?"
"Ok, then I'll write it down. Wait... Sandi, can you read?"
"No, reading is for wimps!"
"Heidi and Sandi were made for each other."

-"Sandi, would you like us to get you some armor like mine?"
"No. Why would I?"
"You could fly!"
"No, that just makes you weak."
"Heidi's legs have kind of atrophied."
"He's skipped too many leg days!"

-Qorl, the representative of The Organization (the FSA mafia) makes contacts with the PCs and is amenable to expanding the Organization's reach into the Dreadlands.
"When you arrive, contact landing bay C20 and request berth access on behalf of The Legitimate Import/Export Corporation."
"We know those kinds of corporations!"

-"I have no idea how this will all backfire on us."
"It's just the mafia!"
"What's the worst that could happen?"

-The Organization provides the PCs with a new handler for the dreadlands, a green mutant mafioso named Von. They drop them off in the Dreadfort.

-The party flies over to Highbay.
"I've always dreamed of this moment!"
"Well, go on, Chariss. The city is yours."
"Oh my lord! My friends, tell my story!"

-The PCs have run into some drug dealers, when the city guard approach.
"You there!"
"um.. yes, officer??"
"Are you looking to buy some LSD!"
"Oh, right. I forgot this is Highbay."

-They get to the Great Hall of the city, and line up at the reception to seek an audience with City Officer Swanlee.
"We want an audience with Swanlee."
"Take a number and fill out this form."
"We're with Bill the Elf."
"... you are?
"Which of you is Merlin?"
"Um... he's back in the ship?"
"Hmm. Alright, give me a moment."
"Sure.. take your time... guys, who the hell is Merlin?"

-"They keep talking about Bill having been here recently, and with other people... do you think it could be the Fake Bill?"
"Ohhh yeah, maybe he's had to leave the Grey Realms."
"After we fucked up their invasion plans!"

-"While you're in the waiting room next to Swanlee's office, the secretary comes over with coffee, tea, buns, pot, opium, ecstasy and cocaine."
"I mistake the cocaine for sugar and put it in my coffee."

-While the others get high outside, Catboy meets with Swanlee.
"What do you want?"
"We need a neutral wizard, so we can deal with Sezrekhan."
"Hmm. Well, as it happens, I'm a member of a small and exclusive organization here in the city called The Neutral Club."
"Somehow that makes perfect sense for you, Swanlee."
"It's a club dedicated to forwarding the cause of Neutrality, slowly and moderately."
"I don't really care that much about Neutrality."
"You'd be the perfect candidate for membership."

-"Yes, Bill the Elf was here recently, but he seemed very different."
"That's a fake Bill!"
"I see. He left because the Ackbashian Jihad was trying to murder him. My first hint that something was wrong about this Bill was that the city didn't catch fire."

-"Catboy steps back into the waiting room to check on the party."
"The Dwarf is high on ecstasy!"
"Heidi is shaking as he stares intensely at a wall, having drunk a ridiculous amount of cocaine-laced coffee."
"Chariss is literally rolling in the cocaine."
"It's like that worst timeline scene in the Community!"

-The party heads back up to the ship.
"Well, Catboy's going to try the LSD."
"Roll a saving throw?"
"You have a bad trip and rush out the door of the ship."
"How high up is the ship?"
"About 1500 feet."
"Catboy doesn't have a jetpack."

-"The cleric flies after the Catboy and catches him!"
"I fly him back up, and close the ship door."
"When you get it closed, you see it has a catboy-shaped indentation. It seems before opening the door catboy tried to run right through it, old-timey cartoon style."

-"The PCs meet Swanlee's associate, a wizard in a plain grey cloak."
"That's a good sign!"

-"I've done a lot of coke! My heart's beating really fast! That must be healthy, right?"
"Heidi has no more irises."

-"I have to tell you guys, when I was alone in the town I ran into this asshole and he was a Neutral Wizard!"
"I would like to meet this wizard and assess his neutrality!"

-"the trans-warrior is absolutely freaking out in the reception."
"Catboy opens the door to come in, sees that, and walks right back out again."

-"My name is Wando the Neutral."

-"What's wrong with the cleric?"
"Oh, religious ecstasy, I understand."

-Following up on Chariss' brief random encounter with "some asshole", the PCs head into Dragontown.
"I am Po, the Dragonman wizard."
"Are you neutral?"
"We plan to kill Sezrekhan."
"Would you be willing to take on the Lords of Neutrality as your patrons?"
"I can't. I am sworn to Marduk."
"Well, that was a waste of time."

-"Do you guys sell slaves here?"
"Can I buy a combat slave?"

-"Chariss said you had special drugs?"
"We do. Magical drugs. Dragon Power, Weretiger Blood, Rainbow Lotus Powder, Mageworm, the Sacred Mushrooms of Dragon Mountain, Spritewings, and more."
"We'll be taking all of those."

-"Hey guys, I bought a slave!"
"Why the hell would you do that, Catboy?"
"Humble master, I am Pi Lin, I will be happy to serve you in all things!"
"OK, now I see why he did it."

-"Get us four of each magic drug except the Spritewings, and all the opium we can get for 50 platinum pieces."
"The Dragonman brings back various small packets of the drugs, and huge bag with 1000 doses of Opium."
"Here you go, Chariss, the opium is for you! Make it last!"
"Oh I will! Oh my lord I'm in opioid heaven!"
"It'll all be gone by tomorrow, if Chariss survives."

-"Can you get me something that magically enhances my strength?"
"There's a Belt of Giant Strength we could obtain."
"How strong would it make me?"
"Off the charts."
"Damn it! I cut off my arms for nothing!"

-"Do you have some item that can make me faster??"
"We do... pants of speed!"
"This is a plot by the GM to make the catboy wear pants!"

-The PCs leave a non-refundable down-payment of 15000gp for the belt and the pants.

-"Seriously, Catboy, why did you buy this guy?!"
"Because he has a neat accent, obviously!"

And with that, the session comes to a close. The PCs are heading back to Castle Dread, now with Pi Lin the slave-soldier, and Wando the Neutral Wizard. Will their plans to deal with Sezrekhan come to some sort of fruition? Will Bill the Elf exact a terrible vengeance for having been marooned on the Southwestern continent?  Stay tuned next time to find out!


Currently Smoking: Castello 4K Canadian + Peterson's Wild Atlantic

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