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Friday, 7 February 2020

DCC Campaign Update: Catboy is now BoyBoy

In our last session, the PCs had made their way, with a big cast of NPCs, to the Sky-Shield, in preparation to participate in the Death Race 3001. Meanwhile, Bill was assaulted by a collective of psionics, who turned him into a lookalike of them (instead of a sexy blue elf chick). The PCs rescued him, but he still looks like a hairless weirdo with a visible brain-dome and no genitals; plus, the PCs forgot to pick up his stuff but by the time they came back for it everything had been looted.


-"So do we have all the stuff?"
"No, we're still missing the Funk Band, and the flamethrowers."
"This is the only shopping list with both of these."

-"Do you guys still have the Sunstaff?"
"We literally lost it five minutes ago."

-"I tell the street urchins about the Sunstaff."
"Will there be a reward?"
"Maybe we'll finally be able to buy our way into that orphanage we always dreamed of living in!"

-"I don't know if we can trust you anymore Catboy, you've changed."
"yeah, he sold out! He wears pants!"
"I didn't sell out, I grew up!"
"I remember when you swore you'd never wear pants!"

-"I think Catboy has just become a House-Cat now!"
"Take that back!"

-Suddenly, there's a flash of light, and Sami and Bob Loblaw the Law Blob appear!
"I got a message to represent Bill the Elf in a trial?"
"Oh my god.. it's Bob Loblaw!"
"The Law Blob!"
"Fuck you guys."

-"Hey Heidi, come with me."
"OK, Bill..."
"Turn around..."
"Bill I'm your really good friend, but I'm not that kind of friend!"

-"Bill is trying to polymorph himself back into his original form."
"OG Bill!"
"Hey, every time you cast Polymorph you destroy a tiny microscopic civilization, right?"
"Yes. I rolled it 10 times!"
"You aren't supposed to be proud of that!"
"You're just making Blob Loblaw's job harder!"

-"OK, now I look like I used to way back in the start of my adventures. I don't think anyone will even recognize me, Heidi."
"Gotcha... HEY EVERYONE! Just to clarify, this guy is Bill the Elf!"
"Damn it, Heidi!"

-"What are you even doing here, Sandi?"
"I'm here to win this stupid race, and then conquer the Sun. Duh!"

-Blob Loblaw agrees to represent Bill, after some negotiation.
"I just got 50% of his merchandising rights for life. You were right, Sami! Bill is a moron!"

-"So is Zeke Bodean dead, at least?"
"No, he's the Theocrat of Minotauria!"
"What? Oh for fuck's sake!"
"Yeah, he's basically the Pope!"

-The PCs try to get Sami to use Divine Aid to bring back stuff they've lost.
"Come on, Sami, try it!"
"OK, whatever... G.O.D., bring Zeke here."
"No, not Zeke, my sword!"
"Zeke suddenly appears in a flash."

-"My friends! This is an act of divine providence!"
"Yes, I was just about to be executed, when there was a flash of divine light and I was brought here with you!"
"Sami screams into her helmet."

-"Why were you about to be executed, Zeke?"
"The Organization has taken over Minotauria!"
"What? What about Minocles?"
"He doesn't really realize it yet. He's been busy conquering all the islands off the southern continent for them."

-"Fuck this. I teleport Zeke back."
"The roll wouldn't be enough to get him all the way back."
"I don't care."
"OK, he disappears in a flash of light."

-"OK, so tomorrow you better ride in the battle tank, Sami. Space Bear wouldn't want you on the Superfly. He keeps peeking nervously out the window at you."
"I'm married!"
"That doesn't seem to stop you, ho!"
"Laquanda, you know I could just Bolt-From-The-Blue you.."
"Not before I could bolt my foot into your skinny ass!"

-"Laquanda and Sami are about to fight!"
"That's it, I'm gonna take you down, ho!"
"Laquanda no!"
"Hold me back baby!"
"Catboy holds Sami back!"
"Big Fat Merlin moves his handy scooter between the two: That's enough, stop it you two! We need to focus on the race!"
"I guess you're right..."
"Good job, Merlin."
"That's what a big fat road manager does."

-Sami summons back the Daemon-Killing Sword.
"Oh yes!"
"You know it's going to control you, Heidi."
"It's not going to make me do anything I wouldn't do anyways."

-"Unter, you said you worship the Lord of Blood and Fire.."
"No, Unter, Heidi will kill you!"
"I am not afraid."
"Heidi attacks... critical."
"Unter is decapitated in a single swing by Heidi."
"Ha! Unter's not going to Valhalla that way!"

-"suddenly there's a bright flash and you see the Trans-Warrior appears!"
"Lords of Neutrality?"

-"Blob Loblaw.. I need to hire you."
"What for, Catboy?"
"I want to sue Sami.."
"My wife?"
"Yes. For possession of the Demon Heart."
"I don't think you can pay what I'd charge you for that."
"I can get you 50% of Heidi's Social Media Advertising Revenue."

-"Honey, you have to understand, Heidi's social media is worth a fortune in Coolland!"
"Ugh. Fine. I'll give him the Demon Heart on ONE condition."

"Yeah, Sami?"
"I want you to do something for me. I need you to shove this jar with a demon's heart up Catboy's ass."

-"Catboy, you're agreeing to this?"
"It's the only way I'll get the Demon Heart!"
"You realize it's going to totally destroy your ass, right?"
"He'll need a Cyborg Ass after this!"
"It's been a long time since we had a cyborg ass in the campaign!"
"I love that this is a campaign where there's already precedent for this."

-"Come on, Sandi!"
"No! Just leave me out of this. I'm only here to conquer the Sky-Shield!"
"Can you propose an alternative, Sami?"
"What if I get G.O.D. to do it?"
"Let me confer with my client."

-"G.O.D., shove this jar deep up Catboy's ass!"
"Natural 20."

-"Dr. Roboto, scan Catboy."

-Catboy needs emergency surgery.
"Blitzkrieg, does the Superfly have a clinic?"
"Oh hell no. You ain't going on the Superfly with no demon heart up in your ass!"

-"I charm Heidi again."
"Roll a will save, Heidi?"
"I fail."
"OK, Bill has Heidi charmed for the next 3 weeks."

-"Trans-warrior, you notice that among the racers there's one guy in a totally neutral grey power armor."
"That looks like an average vehicle."
"It is moderately average..."
"What's your goal for this race?"
"There are 2000 participants. I hope to come in 1000.5th place."
"I don't think you can."
"Because that is my goal."
"Then my goal is to tie with you."

-"I get the sleep rune from Bill."
"Heidi closes his eyes! You can't trick me this time, Catboy. I have 8 INT now, I'm a genius!"

-"OK, while Heidi has his eyes closed he can't hear us. Bill, put Heidi to sleep."
"I keep my eyes closed... man I wish I could hear what they were talking about!"

-The Catboy, Heidi, and Bill go find a clinic in the slums.
"This is the best one."
"Dr. Crazy Louie's Chop Shop?"

-"So Dr. Crazy Louie, can you do nipple transplants?"
"We're here to get the Demon Jar out of Catboy's ass!"
"Nipple transplants, huh? That's a very difficult operation."
"Well, I have six toes on each foot. Maybe you could amputate one toe from each and graft them on as my nipples?"

-"Listen, for that medical robot you have, I'll trade you free nipple transplants and throw in a robot personal assistant."

-"Catboy wakes up with his belly shaved, a scar across it, and he's wearing a cone of shame."
"We also neutered you!"
"You did not!"
"No, but I wanted to freak you out."

-"The rumor is spreading that the race is actually a sham"
"Where did that start?"
"From the slum cats Catboy was talking to."
"God damn it, Catboy!"

-"I write a sign that says: 'the Race is a Sham', and on the other side says 'is what I would say if the race was a sham, which it is not'!"

-"An angry mob arrives, demanding answers."
"You guys should disperse!"
"Wait, before you disperse: if you worship a daemon, raise your hands!"
"NO! No one raise their hands!"

-"When my baby is born, it will be born in a bathing pool filled with the blood of my enemies!"
"Sami whispers: 'G.O.D., break her water...'"

-"Catboy's stomach hurts.. it feels like something is moving around in there..."
"I'm sure its just my imagination."

-"The trans-warrior and that grey-armored badass dude are fighting for no apparent reason!"

-The Trans-Warrior wins the fight!
"As the grey-armored warrior is dying, he says 'take half of my possessions'."

-The mob of contestants and many of the people in the slums march angrily toward the citadel, abandoning the race.
"Do we still race?"
"Hell yes!"

-"Can we even still race? Are there any other contestants?"
"The trans-warrior just killed the last one!"
"So I guess we win the Death Race 3001!"

-"Maybe some of the other contestants will change their minds and come back?"
"You hear gunfire coming from the area of the citadel, and then see the massive energy beam from the citadel fire and burn all around the perimeter of the building."
"I don't think they're coming back."

-"I summon the Lords of Neutrality."
"Did you find us a champion?"
"Where is he?"
"Dead. He failed the test of the Arrow of Neutrality."
"The arrow of neutrality's effects are completely random."
"So it is the best method."

-"Alright. Our turn to conquer the Sky-shield!"
"Sandi, you can't fight them. They're powerful psychics!"
"I'll damn well try!"
"Wait... what if we try to convince the Wardens to help you conquer the Sky-Shield?"
"Eh... fine, I guess!"

-The PCs manage to get into the Citadel, with some help from Roman.
"Wardens, we need you to find out what's going in the Sun."
"You want us to contact the Sun to alert them of your impending arrival?"
"No! We don't want them to know we're coming, we just want to have a clue what happened there."
"Yeah, the last time we were there, there was... an incident."

-The Wardens, being frantic about the secret of their death-race fraud being out, nervously agree to help Sandi with platinum pieces so she can raise an army to conquer the sky-shield, in exchange for her sending annual tribute of the best adventurers to the Citadel.
"OK, so you're set up here. We're going to go on to the Sun."
"Is there any reason I should conquer the Sun too?"
"Not really."
"Hmm.. I guess I'll wait a few years, then."

-"What are you going to name your daughter, Sandi?"
"I told you, she'll get a name after her first kill!"

-Sandi, Chariss, Big Fat Merlin, Blitzkrieg, Laquanda, Space Bear and Blake all stay behind.
"Well, see you around, Chariss."
"Just remember: they're all going to laugh at you!"
"Well, we went from way too many NPCs to none at all!"
"Well, Blob Loblaw..."

-The PCs go into the sun.
"Everything is grubby and messed up."
"I cast Mend on the Sun!"
"OK, roll..."
"Natural 24!"
"Well shit; OK, you mend the entire sun!"

-The PCs encounter Republican Jesus, who's pretty surprised to see them.
"What the hell happened?"
"When y'all slinked off, Krishnan had a huge fight with all the Jesuses."
"So, who's left?"
"Just me, Chubby Jesus and Anglican Jesus."
"Not Korean Jesus?!"
"No, he didn't make it. That's why this place was such a wreck, he was the only one who got stuff done around here."
"The other Jesuses don't help?"
"Nah; Chubby Jesus just snacks, and Anglican Jesus doesn't do a damn thing at all."

-"Is Vizi alright?"
"Yeah, he's good. The Hydroponics Lab was pretty much the only thing left working around here before y'all got back."

-"What about Anema??"
"She ain't here. She took off with Krishnan."

-"Chubby Jesus is in the mess hall, eating bread and wine."
"Want some? It used to be water! I can also make some fishes if you like..."

-"Where's Anglican Jesus?"
"I dunno. He's probably either tending to his flower garden, or having another fit of philosophical angst about whether he really exists or not."

-"Anglican Jesus is dressed in robes that look like they're from a BBC historical drama."
"Oh, hello.. terribly sorry; I was just tending my roses and questioning if I do anything of meaning in the world."
"Can you do miracles?"
"What? Oh, no, quite sorry, I don't really believe in the supernatural."

-Deciding to move on, the PCs teleport to Wisconsin; having to leave the Sunstaff behind to open the gate.
"You get to Gary's basement."
"I run over to his table, roll a die and say 'hi Gary it's.. good to see you'!"

-Gary agrees to teleport the party to the City of the Atheists, but there's a problem.
"The teleporter security protocols says one of you kids are corrupted."
"Is it Blob Lowblaw?"
"I'm not corrupted!"
"I'm corrupt, but not corrupted..."

-"It looks like it's the catboy."
"OK, fair enough. I got the doctor to take out his appendix instead of the demon heart. It's still inside him."
"Son of a bitch!"
"Hey, I know how to solve this!"
"You do?"
"Yes, let's all go to the City of the Atheists without Catboy!"

-Everyone leaves without Catboy, so Catboy goes to the Wisconsin Church in the hopes of getting the immortal spirits of worthy clerics to try to get the Demon Heart out of him.
"Can you remove this demon heart from me?"
"We'll have to see..."
"Oh, I'm also a lycanthrope."
"I see. So we'll remove that too..."
"Can't you just replace it with some kind of cool lycanthropy?"

-"Hey, could you give me an angel heart?"
"We don't have one, but even if we did I'm quite sure you're too evil to survive it."

-Meanwhile, the other PCs have arrived in what looks like an infinite city of pyramids, with no signs of life.
"Hey wait..."
"I was just thinking... Roman said Zargon told him about Potion 21, right?"
"And Blitzkrieg said that according to legend it was the ultimate love potion?"
"So I think Zargon's just trying to have sex with Roman!"

-"hey guys..."
"What, Sami?"
"I think that my cleric powers don't work  here."
"I guess because it's the City of the ATHEISTS?"

-"Blob, honey.. if we have to, let's eat the trans-warrior first."
"You got it honey!  psst... trans-warrior, I'll represent you if you like."

-"Catboy, the clerics all pray around you, and then the demon heart bursts out of your chest!"
"Oh shit!"
"They keep praying, and you don't feel like a lycanthrope anymore."
"We are removing all his impurities!"
"You're about to turn into either a cat, or a boy!"
"There's a 50/50 chance."

-"Catboy is now BoyBoy!"

-"That might complicate things for The Man!"
"Does that mean that all the Holy Clerics just colluded with the Sky-Nazis?"
"Surely Clerics have never collaborated with nazis before!"

-BoyBoy tries to run away with the Heart, but the clerics paralyze him and take it.
"You can't keep it. We will put it in our vault."
"But I took a bottle in the ass for that!"

-"At this point I know my life is a comedy."
"Chariss was right, they're ALL going to laugh at you!"

-"At least BoyBoy's Charisma is 17!"
"That just means BoyBoy is a twink!"

-The group in the City of the Pyramids reaches one of the tallest pyramids and finds a chamber at the top. Inside, there are little piles of dust around a magic circle. When the characters enter, those piles of dust turn into robed figures!
"We are the Immortals. How have you arrived here?"
"Oh, they said 'arrived' not 'come', they know Adventurer Grammar!"
"We were adventurers like you, once!"
"What happened to you?"
"We completed the Path of Immortality."
"How do you do that?"
"There are four paths, I sense that you are only Level 9. You will learn of the four paths to Immortality when you become level 10."

-"Are you daemons?"
"That is another path. We chose the Path of Freedom."
"So the paths are like the political compass??"

-Catboy goes back to Gary's house, but finds out that Gary had failed to mention that he has no way to teleport people back from the City of the Atheists. So he asks Gary to send him to the Crown of Creation instead. He gets to the pearly gates and meets it's guardian, Teddy Roosevelt.
"Well hello there young lad, who are you?"
"Fuck it.. my name's Kile. I'm a human now."

-"Lol! BoyBoy is trying to go undercover."
"Don't call me BoyBoy. It's Kile now, with an i!"
"Really? Of all the names in creation you chose that one?"
"You deserve what you get."

-"Wow, I just realized: Heidi is now the only mutant in this party."
"Even more ironic: the only mutant wields a super powerful sword that hates mutants."

-BoyBoy gets teleported to where the PCs were, and then they all get told that Potion 21 can be found in the Black Pyramid of Trial. It is extremely dangerous and almost impossible to find. Of course, the PCs ask to be teleported there.
"Do we have a plan?"
"We'll just randomly wander around."
"That sometimes works."
"It works 30% of the time!"

-The PCs come into a room with a sinister looking wizard making some sigils on the wall, while a crazy-looking human sits in an oversized birdcage beside him.
"Do you serve a daemon?"
"OK, then this is just too weird, let's move on."

-The PCs reach an area where three psychics are sitting around a black box, apparently gripped in a telepathic war. A fourth psychic lies long-dead, seemingly suggesting that they've been there for a very long time.
"I'll kill one!"
"OK, roll a save."
"OK, you feel weird but then it passes."
"I'll kill this other one!"
"OK, Trans-warrior, roll a save."
"I fail."
"You shrink down to 3 inches in height."

-The characters reach an entrance blocked by a barrier of pure darkness.
"Jeez, too bad that in spite of having once had it, no one bothered to learn Advanced Magic Missile so we could shoot it at the darkness!"
"How do you know that, person who claims not to be Catboy?"
"I know you know, you fucker!"

-The party goes into a room that has some kind of pocket plane of a deserted island. They fight a giant crab, and find a book.
"What book is it?"
"The cover says BOLT-0's Pharmacopeia."

The party ends there, on the beach for now, as they continue in their quest for Potion 21!
A special shout-out to Sami's player, who had left the country but took time off their visit back to game with us.
Stay tuned next time for more questing madness!


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Elizabethan Mixture

1 comment:

  1. The Black Pyramid exists in all worlds, all dimensions, all universes...