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Thursday, 20 February 2020

DCC Campaign Update: Don't Wear Pants of Speed in a Harem

In our last session, the PCs had found themselves in the City of the Pyramid, inside the dreaded testing chambers of the Black Pyramid, trying to search for the legendary Potion 21.


-Today is the 7th Anniversary of the DCC Campaign! That's somewhere over 175 sessions of DCC! As per tradition, Bill The Elf brought a rogel cake, which is basically concentrated diabetes; incredibly tasty, but you'd literally die if you eat more than one slice a year.

-"Wait, I wasn't here last session... what happened to Blake's nipples? Did he ever tell the story?"
"Yes, he did, but we're not going to tell you."
"You bastards!"

-The Sky-cleric had last been seen going into town with some of the catkid orphans, and he wakes up alone in a dingy room, mostly naked and chained to a bed.
"Do I feel anything in my ass?"
"No. In fact, you don't feel anything at all in your ass. You may have been given an anesthetic."
"Oh damn, that's worse!"

-The sky cleric gets free, and walks through an abandoned dingy building that is clearly some kind of den of sin.
"There's no one here?"
"Nope. You find your stuff after searching around."
"I go outside."
"The streets seem to be abandoned too, you're clearly in the slums outside of the Citadel. The sign above the door you just existed says 'human sex brothel'."
"I'm going to choose to believe that nothing happened in there, and no one will ever know."

-"I fly up a bit to take a look around."
"OK, when you fly up you notice first of all that much of the slums appear to be abandoned, either that or everyone is hiding indoors. The area for about 500 meters around the citadel itself is totally scorched, and you think you see some bits of bone there.  In the other direction, toward the periphery of the slums, you see many of the vehicles that were going to be used in the Death Race, they seem to have been just abandoned too. The race clearly never happened."
"What the hell is going on?"
"You see some movement, some people down below not far from you."
"I fly down."
"You see some catkids, maybe the ones who were with you before."
"Hey, you guys! I want to talk to you!"
"An interloper! Take him, for the Dark Queen!!"

-The Sky-Cleric flies off to try to avoid the catkids, only to have someone shooting at him from somewhere. He lands somewhere abandoned and contacts Roman with this tablet.
"Roman, can you tell me where my party is?"
"They went into the City of the Atheists. I literally can't contact them. I warned them not to go..."
"Why did they go then?"
"They're looking for Potion 21, which I told them to find..."

-"Can you do anything to help me with this?"
"I'll teleport you up here, but before I do, you need to know --- suddenly, there's a flash of light and you teleport away."
"I knew that would happen."

-The rest of the PCs are in the Black Pyramid, having entered a pocket plane that looked like a beach.
"OK, everyone split up and look around..."
"We search."
"You check out the area, suddenly you see a flash from the trees where Sami had gone to explore."
"We go over there."
"You see... the Sky-Cleric! Sami is nowhere to be seen, and he's standing next to a strange looking machine. The machine is labeled 'Substitution Activator', and the screen currently says 'recharging, 0%'."

-"Wait! Sami was with us, and now she's gone and the Sky-Cleric is here... I have a theory.. how come we've never seen Sami and the Sky-Cleric at the same time?!!"
"We have, lots of times!"
"Oh. Nevermind."

-"So the Sky-Cleric sees a hippie elf, a 3 inch tall pixie of some kind, a human boy, and Heidi."
"Are you guys a version of my party from an alternate universe?"

-"Where's Catboy?"
"This is him. He's Boyboy now."
"Stop calling me that!"
"Does this mean that The Man is now the Boyhunter?"

-"I check my tablet."
"No signal."
"I hope you're ready to be a warrior!"

-The PCs leave the beach, go through a hallway, and come out in an arabesque market town in the middle of a desert.
"Oh man... I hope there's..."
"Khlav Kalash!"

-Heidi immediately buys an entire Khlav Khalash/Crab Juice cart.

-"What the hell is that giant floating eye over the town??"
"It is the Great Eye."
"Does it do something?"
"Yes. It punishes evil."
"Oh. Can we kill it?"

-"How does it work?"
"As soon as you commit a crime, the Eye floats down and says 'cease and desist' and then it disintegrates you."
"What if we just got the eye to commit a crime?"
"Yeah, then it would have to destroy itself."

-"Khlav Khalash!"
"No one answers."
"Khlav Khalash for sale!"
"No one cares."

-"So how do we leave here?"
"All around there is a desert. The desert nomads travel it. The only other way are the Veils."
"The veils?"
"Yes, in the town it is said there are five veils that go to the other world. But it is just a myth."
"It's not a myth. We came from one, over there at the end of that alley."
"Over there?"
"Excuse me..."
"I don't think he's coming back."

-"Free Khlav Khalash!"
"It's free?"
"OK, it's a hard bargain but you are clearly a very good businessman."
"We just came here through a veil."
"yes, it's just over there."
"excuse me..."

-"We might be able to empty the whole city this way!"

-"Free Khlav Khalash and access to the veil!"
"You know where a veil is?"
"But to know where it is I need to eat the Khlav Khalash?"
"No, the veil is just over there. The Khlav Khalash is free though."
"Excuse me..."

-"A group of guys led by a dude in weird robes comes over."
"He is a priest of Zakoth!"
"You are blasphemers!"
"What's Zakoth going to do about it?"
"He will punish you for your blasphemy! We are the speaker of Zakoth! We are his arms and legs!"
"Is that his eye?"
"What? No, that's just the Great Eye of the bazaar. Zakoth is much more powerful!"

-"You are lying! The veil is a lie!"
"But the veil is right there!"
"No! There is nothing there!"
"These guys have arms and legs but no eyes..."
"That's Zakoth's eye up there!"
"Blasphemy!! That is not Zakoth's eye!"
"Then where's his eyes?"
"Zakoth has no eyes! He is omnipresent!"
"But then why does he have arms?"
"We are his arms!!"

-"Hey guys, should I poke the eye?"
"Sure, trans-warrior!"
"We could put C4 on the eye... but would that be a crime?"

-The PCs move away from the annoying religious fanatics and make their way to a caravanserai to spend the night. While there, they buy the freedom of all the harem girls.
"Masters, thank you!"
"No, we're not your masters, you're free now."
"But how can we repay you?"
"Well, help boyboy here get some, if you want."

-"Boyboy, roll a d20 to see how much you impress the half dozen harem girls you're spending the night with."
"Natural 1."
"You don't even manage to get your pants off."

-The rest of the PCs are sleeping split up in two different rooms. That night, deadly red oozes seep their way into both bedrooms as well as the harem room!
"The trans-warrior is on watch, and he made his perception check. He sees the red ooze moving into the room!"
"I shout to alert the cleric!"
"The cleric is asleep and your tiny chirping voice doesn't wake him."

-"Boyboy wakes up to screaming when he sees one of the harem girls is being smothered by the red ooze!"
"I grab my knife and stab the ooze!"
"You hit!"
"Finally Boyboy managed to penetrate something tonight!"

-"The dagger you used to stab the ooze corrodes!"
"But it's not metal, it's a wooden knife..."
"Wooden knife??"
"Well... it's actually a pointed stick."
"So you were just calling it a knife so people wouldn't make fun of you for fighting with a pointed stick?"
"Oh, Boyboy..."

-"Heidi, you woke up, hit the ooze attacking your room and killed it!"
"There must be more oozes attacking the others! I get up and immediately start putting on my armor."
"You know that will take like 10 rounds, right?"

-"Sky-cleric, the ooze is hitting you."
"I hit it with my mace!"
"You hit, but your mace corrodes."
"But it's magical!"
"It still corrodes. Now it's a +0 magical mace."

-"Now the sky-cleric has a -1 magical mace!"
"Damn it."

-"Heidi, punch straight through the wall!"
"You didn't need to tell me that, it was my plan all along!"
"No, not that wall! The other one!"

-"Heidi crashes right through the wall, Kool-aid Man style!"

-"At this point the cleric is more ooze than man!"
"If heidi slammed the ooze enveloping the Cleric into a wall, would that hurt the cleric too?"
"I do it anyways."

-"Boyboy hears Heidi crashing through the wall."
"Heidi's in danger! I put on my pants and head downstairs."
"The difference between Catboy and Boyboy is that Boyboy is socially obliged to wear pants."

-"What the hell happened?"
"They were Oozeassins!"

-"You guys stay here, I'm going to complain to the manager!"
"I have to check on the girls because they're tired after all the sex we had..."
"What's that stain in your pants, Boyboy?"
"He soiled the Pants of Speed!"
"It was a white ooze!"
"The lesson here is don't wear the Pants of Speed in a harem!"

-"Hey, we were attacked in our rooms by these oozes..."
"The servants of Zakoth!"
"Oh, so THEY are the eyes of Zakoth!"
"No, they're the ooze of Zakoth."

-The next morning, the PCs meet with a mystic who has a flying carpet. He tells them he can take them to any of the other "veils" that lead back to the pyramid.
"Can I have that carpet?"
"No, but you can buy it in the bazaar.."
"Holy shit! Shopping spree time!"

-The PCs buy a flying carpet, 82 healing potions, and a holo tv-projector.

-"Do you have anything else?"
"I have a magic amulet that can remove all sensations of regret."
"BoyBoy beat Bill to it."
"Bill regrets nothing!"

-"Do you have anything that can restore the Trans-warrior to his own size?"
"I have this potion that will change your form, but it is entirely random."
"Do it!"
"You had me at random."

-"Drink it all!"
"The trans-warrior drinks it and turns... into a woman."
"Am I normal sized?"
"No. You're still 3 inches tall."
"The trans-warrior is tinkerbell now!"

-"Anything else?"
"Well... there is this Scroll of Resurrection."
"It will raise the dead."
"But like, bring them back to life?"

-"So we bought a scroll for 40000gp, but it might just make someone an undead."

-"Anything else?"
"I have... The Stuff."
"What the hell is The Stuff?"
"It is... the Stuff."

-Boyboy buys a debt-slave.
"So he's a bodyguard?"
"Well, he says he's a great fighter, and that he has a magic scimitar, but I've never seen him actually hit anything with that scimitar."
"Maybe they trained him wrong on purpose?"

-The PCs immediately free the slave, named Narfez.
"My name is Heidi. So would you like to go with us?"
"Where are you going?"
"We're going to go kill Zakoth."
"Where is he? Narfez will kill him for you!"
"He's like a god..."
"Narfez will join you in this worthy quest, and teach you many things!"

-The mystic leads the PCs to another veil, said to lead to the place "most taboo to the cult of Zakoth". They step through and enter a room with a gigantic gelatinous cube, along with some kind of priest and acolyte apparently offering it prayers!
"When you enter, the Priest turns in your direction, and the acolyte draws her weapon and rushes toward you all."
"Heidi will throw the trans-warrior right into the priest's eye!"
"What did you get on the deed die?"
"The Trans-warrior slams right through the priest's eye, out the back of his exploding skull!"
"They he keeps flying and slams right into the gelatinous cube!"

-"Heidi will slice the cube in half!"
"OK, roll."
"Natural 20."
"You slice the giant cube right in half."

-"Narfez can't seem to hit with his sword to save his life."
"Yes, literally. The acolyte just killed him."
"Damn. Easy come, easy go. Boyboy kills the acolyte with his railgun."

-Moving on from the cube room, the party reaches a room with what appear to be some cryotubes.
"Maybe. Watching over the tubes there's some dudes in what look like full black rubber outfits with gas masks."

-"We cautiously walk into the room."
"The rubber guys notice you and immediately start firing high powered darts at you!"
"They're just darts."
"Every dart automatically criticals."

-"The Trans-Warrior is dead!"
"Yeah, my hit points were really low already."
"You guys just bought EIGHTY-TWO healing potions."
"Yeah, I forgot. My bad."

-"We use the Resurrection Scroll!"
"It works! With only two small side-effects: the Trans-Warrior loses 2 points of Stamina, and he's technically not alive."

-"So he's undead?"
"No, he's Trans-Alive!"

-"The Trans-warrior is a warrior and he's more fucked up by magical corruption than any wizard in the history of this 7 year long campaign..."
"He's a 3 inch tall undead woman now!"

-"Undead pixie women... there's probably a fetish about that."

-"I'm not dead, and I'm not alive... I'm more Neutral than ever!"
"They sent you to find the Neutral champion..."
"...and it was me!"

And with that bombshell, we end the session for today. Stay tuned next time to see the PCs undoubtedly causing many more disasters in the black pyramid!


Currently Smoking: Ben Wade Rhodesian + Image Latakia

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