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Sunday, 18 February 2018

DCC Campaign Update: Vegan Mutants are Descended From Carrots

When last we left our "heroes", they were back in the Sun, and trying to get the Spirit of the Sun (Anema) and the Wight who stole her heart, her soul, and her ability to open the gate to the Crown of Creation, back together again as a couple.   Also, the strange and very glam Captain Harry, from the future, had just revealed to Heidi that he was Heidi's grandson.


-"Sami, get a hair off Mongo for me."
"He's not an animal, you can't Summon him!"
"No, it's for Locate Object."
"He's not an object!"

"Guys, I think Heidi just got some kind of bad news!"

-"We can go anywhere from here, we should get some money!"
"Who are you even talking to right now, Catboy? Heidi is in the other room screaming with Captain Harry, I'm with Anema, and Vizi is talking to Fabritzio. I guess you're just talking to the Vegan."
"Oh god no!"

-"We're almost at the Crown of Creation."
"Yeah, you could say we're in the Hallway of Creation."

-"OK, so to review: Sami is talking with Anema trying to get her on track with the relationship thing, Vizi is doing the same with Fabritzio, the catboy is following Vizi, the Vegan is following the Catboy, and Heidi is still screaming but no one cares."

-Sami is trying to talk relationship advice to Anema.
"The way to a man's heart is through his prostate, you just shove up.."
"What Vizi?"
"I got this one, OK? I got this."

-"From now on, I'm just called Catboy."
"That's a stupid name."

-Fabritzio still has cold feet.
"I'm a wight, she's the Sun.. it's not a very natural mix."

-Roman comes into the room in a bathrobe.
"What's happening? Who keeps screaming? Are Anema and Fabritzio doing it? Those don't sound much like happy screams."

-"Wait, this place has showers?"
"This place is run by the most narcissistic shallow Female Entity we've ever met. Have you seen the size of her makeup closet?"
"Really? That's interesting. Excuse me for a moment..."

-"What are you doing?"
"Stealing makeup."
"I have makeup!"
"You do, why?!"
"I'm a thief. It's for disguise."
"You're a cat!"
"Yeah, no amount of makeup is going to hide the fact you're a catperson!"

-Sami sneaks into Anema's Makeup Closet.
"Oh my god! The colors!!"

-Meanwhile, Heidi is telling everyone what Captain Harry told him.
"Wait, how could he be your grandfather!? You're not even green!"
"We can be whatever we want, in the future. Human, mutant, those are all things of the past. In the future we're all One."
"Are there Vegans?"
"No. As I mentioned, they're all extinct."
"See? That really is the best of all possible futures."

"Shut up, Vegomagus!"
"That's it! That's his new name!"
"But I don't want to be called the Vegomagus!"
"...i want my name back please."

-"Can we fit a mammoth or a giant porcupine in the dungeon we're going to visit?"
"I can now understand why we drove you to extinction."

-"No, Vegomagus, you can't make a catboy from cat hairs!"
"He's a catperson, not a cat! He's as similar to a cat as Heidi is to a monkey or the Vegomagus is to a carrot."
"Vegan mutants are descended from carrots?"
"Well, I assume so."

-They go get Sami, who's busy stealing all the makeup she can from Anema.
"Sami, we have to go somewhere."
"There's a problem."
"Because I want a cool sword."

-"We should bring one of the Jesi with us; they can teleport us there and back."
"Yeah, good idea. Hey, I haven't seen Chocolate Jesus around lately..."
"I notice Mongo's face is covered in chocolate stains..."
"Oh. I thought he was just eating makeup."

-"blah blah sidequest mongo?"
"No, Mongo, you're not going on a sidequest with us. You're staying here."
"Hey, Mongo's first word in Common is 'sidequest'!"
"Makes sense!"

-"Mongo, stay here. Be good. Don't eat another Jesus."

-"Let's bring Republican Jesus."
"Where is he?"
"He's over at the gun range, shooting an M16 and drinking beer while listening to Sweet Home Alabama."
"Hey Republican Jesus, want to come with us to shoot some things?"
"Buddy, you had me at shoot."

-"Do you have any more guns, Republican Jesus? All I have is this pistol."
"Shit, do I?"
Republican Jesus shows the catboy a gigantic warehouse full of guns. There also appears to be an atomic bomb there.

-The Catboy takes a sniper rifle, a bandolier full of high-explosive grenades, and a machine gun that's almost too big for him to lift.  They're heading back to the others when they run into Historical Jesus.
"Hey, have any of you seen Chocolate Jesus anywhere?"
"Um. No. We have to go now!"

-Following Captain Harry's guidelines, Republican Jesus teleports the party to a rocky black island in the middle of a blood-red sea.
"This is the Sea of Blood."
"Can I summon something with this blood?"
"NO! Do not do that."

-The PCs find the entrance to the dungeon, it took some time because in Captain Harry's time this whole place was a commemorative museum.
They enter a corridor and find a large door at the end, which the Vegomagus' Detect Magic notes is protected by an Explosive Rune. 
"We could send some porcupines through there."
"If I send a porcupine through and it's hurt, will you heal it?"
"Porcupines ain't for healing, they're for eating!"

-Roman tries to remove the explosive rune with this sonic tool, but it creates a type of backlash and briefly Roman seems to assume a different form, of a tall man with heavier features and a larger beard.
"What was that?!"
"Uh, nothing. It must have tried to polymorph me or something."

-"It seems to be a Fae Rune"
"I knew about a Fae Rune in some Realms, but I've Forgotten."

-"I could just use my grenade launcher on it, that might do the trick."
"Do your stuff, RJ!"
"RJ? Shit, I like that! OK, y'all step back... motherfucking Giddy Up!"

-Republican Jesus fires a couple of grenades at it, destroying the door, but the rune is still there, invisible to the naked eye.
"Ok, that's it. Vegomagus, tell one your porcupine to go through the entrance."

-Reluctantly, the Vegomagus sends a summoned porcupine through the door.
"Ok, walk through that door porcupine.. I.. I love you!"

-The porcupine, facing a suicidal order, turns on the party!

-Heidi manages to kill the porcupine. The Vegomagus summons 4 more porcupines.
"The porcupines look happy until they see the mangled corpse of the former porcupine. Then they look worried."
"Don't worry. That won't happen to you if you obey!"

-The 2nd porcupine they try to send through the door ALSO turns on the PCs!
"Lucky we killed it before it could avenge itself on you, Vegomagus!"

-The 3rd porcupine ALSO turns on the party!
"In porcupine it's saying 'die, destroyer of my race'!"

-The Vegomagus is forced to use Force Manipulation to destroy his own summoned animal.
"It's body parts explode all over the remaining porcupines, who look horrified."

-The next porcupine finally crosses, and gets blown up by the Rune. The rune is weakened by not extinguished.
"God damn it!"

-To avoid the risk of the last porcupine turning on them, Heidi has a plan. He has the vegomagus order the remaining porcupine to get within 10 feet of the doorway.
"I can't tell you."
"But why?"
"Because if I tell you, the porcupine will know and then it might turn on you!"
"OK, but what are you going to do?"
"Just do it!"

-Heidi kicks the porcupine, field-goal style, through the doorway. It also explodes, and the blast hits Heidi, and he takes some damage but survives.

-The rune is finally spent! The Vegomagus summons another porcupine and tells it to go through the door. It does so unharmed, but a second later is snatched up from some hideous white tentacles from the ceiling! They hear some desperate squeals, and then some porcupine bones fall to the floor.
"Holy shit, what is that goddamn thing?!"
"Oh yeah, the museum did mention a tentacle creature.."

-The party comes up with a plan. They summon yet another porcupine, and tie a bandolier around it with 10 High Explosive grenades. Republican Jesus ties some fishing line to a pin, and when it goes through the entry and gets snatched up by the tentacles the pin is released. A second later there's a huge explosion and bits of tentacle and chunks of red matter fall the floor.

-"Summon some more porcupines to see if it's really safe."
"OK, I'll summon 2 4HD porcupines."
"No, summon 8 little ones, we might need more test subjects!"
"But the big ones can protect me..."
"Well, the little ones can swarm an opponent, Ugandan-Knuckles style!"
"I like how you're using his favorite meme as a way to try to manipulate him."

-"Hey, I just thought of something. To restore Captain Harry's timeline, maybe we just need to SAY that the Hippomagus was at the Crown of Creation!"
"You mean bring his corpse with us, Weekend At Bernie's style?"

-"Huh. I think this tentacle creature was made of... spaghetti?"
"So it was a flying spaghetti monster?"
"Oh crap, the atheists will hate us now, we blew up their god!"

-"You know, for a supposedly 'useless' guy, I sure helped!"
"You couldn't control your porcupines for shit! We wasted hours on this!"

-"Which way now?"
"Well, I know that to the left there was some kind of blob-monster. And to the right there was a little shop."
"Oooh, a little shop! That's great!"
"That's probably just in the future, this place will become a museum, remember?"
"So what kind of shop is it?"
"It doesn't exist there now!"

-The PCs head to the room that will one day have a 'little shop'. They were hoping it might have just been an empty room, but as it turns out its covered in gunk and crap and has a dangerous Shit-Eater!

-"Heidi, it's your turn. What do you do other than weep for your descendants?"

-RJ hits the shit-eater with a burst from his M16, and it runs away.

-There are some twinkling things in the shit-eater's pile of shit!
The Vegomagus covers himself in shit in the process of digging it all out. It turns out to mostly be a few thousand copper pieces and a couple of platinum pieces, though there's also three scroll tubes.
"The highest level spell is Lokerimon's Assistance"
"Makes sense, that's a shit spell."

-They move on to the next room, where they encounter the Shit Eater, which seems to have mutated to grow a couple of extra tentacles! The room also has an evil Hag (who probably healed and 'evolved' the Shit Eater), and a Giant Flan!

-Heidi flies in and attacks the Giant Flan, but the Hag casts Sleep and Heidi falls asleep, while his jet pack is still on, bouncing him around the room at random.

-The Vegomagus decides to summon more animals after his latest porcupine is beaten to death and disemboweled by the Shit Eater.
"Force Manipulation!!.... er, I mean, Animal Summoning!"
"You are so confused, dude."

-Sami calls on Divine Aid to wake Heidi up!
"I got a natural 20! Heidi will never sleep again!"
"He is so Woke now!"

-Heidi grabs the hag by the hair and throws her into the corridor. Then, surprising absolutely everyone, Captain Harry pulls out a tiny little gun out of his pocket and instantly disintegrates her!
"Holy shit!"
"Wow, look at your grandson now, Heidi!"

-Vegomagus summoned a bear, who goes at it with the Giant Flan.
"The flan hits the bear, doing 10 points of damage from acidic Dulce De Leche!"
"That's one tough piece of frou-frou cake!"

-The bear hits but only does 4 points of damage.
"That's a weak hit. Is that bear ill?"
"It must be Vegan!"

-Heidi slays the Giant Flan.
"Dessert is served."
"Great line!"

-"I'm finally getting good at throwing Force Balls!"
"You're good at handling balls, Vegomagus?"
"I learned from the master!"
"The Hippomagus taught you about balls?"

-They finish killing the monsters.
"I cast detect magic."
"You don't detect anything?"
"Not even from that black door you mentioned?"
"Oh, shit, right. No, the door is FULL of magic."

-The black door has another explosive rune. And it's immune to scrying. And it has a Wizard Lock. And it's got a barrier against Daemons.

And at that point, unfortunately, one of the players had to leave early.  So we stop on a 'to be continued'. Stay tuned for more DCC greatness!


Currently Smoking: Castello 4k Collection Canadian + Image Latakia