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Friday 22 March 2019

DCC Campaign Update: I Hope There's Younglings In There

In our last session, the PCs had wandered around the planes trying to figure out what to do; first when they heard that Sezrekhan's new Phylactery was the Libram of the Ten Spheres, then when they found out it had been stolen from the Crown of Creation by one of the dwarves they'd brought back from the past, then when they heard that Sezrekhan had taken over Anthraz's body, and finally when they discovered that the Crown of Creation has been corrupted by the power of the Dark Ones (apparently brought in there somehow by that same dwarf).


-"The campaign has reached the point where we now need to specify which literal ass we're referring to."

-They're beaming back Bill and Catboy from the surface, when there's a mysterious transporter error!
"We got Catboy but that's not Bill!"
"No, it's Catboy and three assholes."
"So, four assholes?"

-Bill's missing, and in his place there's a Vegan Mutant former-slave, a Scotsman Mutant Alcoholic, and a Purple Mutant Elephant-Butcher.

-"Sami immediately shoots the Scotsman."
"What the fuck, Sami?!"
"Sami, you need an intervention!"

-"Let's all calm down. We'll have some cocaine.."
"Bill had it."
"Oh fuck!"

-"I need my cleric powers back. I'm itching all over!"
"Sami's addicted to being a cleric."

-"Is the Sword of Neutrality trying to compel me to do anything?"
"No, it's not trying to compel you to do anything at all."
"If you feel compelled to try to do things it'll probably try to calm you down!"

-"Bill tried to sell you out, Roman!"
"Did he offer me to Sezrekhan?"
"No, but he said you're an Ancient."
"You know, we Ancients have a saying: he who reports on private information is likely to be harmed!"
"Snitches get stitches!"

-"You know, it disturbs me that Bill is one of this period's most successful people."

-"So, have you found anything, Roman?"
"No, Catboy, because you keep fucking talking to me!"
"Don't worry Catboy, everyone tells me to shut up too!"
"Shut up, Sky-Mexican, or I'll build a wall right here!"

-Sami is so desperate from her withdrawl symptoms that she's ready to give a blowjob to Republican Jesus in the hope of getting divine power.
"You, angel boy, drop your pants!"

-"We don't have to actually RP this do we?"
"Fuck no! This isn't Alpha Blue!"

-While Republican Jesus is... busy... with Sami.. the rest of the party raids his armory.
"Holy crap! RJ has a nuke!"
"We should nuke the crown of creation!"

-The Sky-Mexican cleric found a missile launcher.
"It only has two missiles, but they do 8d6 damage each."
"Wow... are there any spare missiles?"
"You find one extra missile behind a barrel of moonshine."

-"Are there gadgets here?"
"What are you, a pussy?"

-"Are there gold-plated guns?"
"Roll perception."
"I failed."
"Then unfortunately, you didn't find the Gold-Plated Trump Special."

-"Is there a Claymore?"
"For sure. RJ probably cried when he watched Braveheart."

-"Well, we're all stocked up with weapons."
"You guys are lucky that Republicans give way more to charity..."

-Catboy decides to go knock on Anema's door.
"Oh.. Catboy.. I didn't know you were here."
"You see that her room has a holo image that clearly shows the control room."
"Yeah, I didn't know you were here either."
"Dude, who are you fooling? You're in the Sun, she's the Spirit of the Sun, and you're at her bedroom door."

-"I.. I've just been really alone..."
"Damn it, Anema. Her and Catboy deserve each other."

-"So um.. where have you been?"
"Oh, I've heard Coolland is pretty cool..."
Yeah.. I go there because I'm cool.."
"Footage not found."

-"I like how the heart of the sun is where you guys just go to get guns and sex now."
"And drugs!"

-Roman has found a solution!
"You know how there is an Apocalypse Protocol that could theoretically cleanse and reset the material plane? Well, there's one for the Crown of Creation too."
"So, how is it activated?"
"The Ancients made a safeguard consisting of five rings, that contain the source code for the Crown; a five-fold word that causes the crown to reboot fully."
"A code? Have you tried 12345?"

-"Catboy, promise me you'll come back to me after you save the universe, again."
"I promise, Anema."
"Good. And I promise I'll try not to immediately become bored of you, again."

-"So where are these rings?"
"One is in a burger shack in Wisconsin. The second is in the Island of the Blue Elves off the Southern Continent of the material realm. The third is in the Birthing Slurries of the Stone Realm. The fourth is in the Great Temple of the Grey Realm, and the last one is in the Imperial Palace of the Jade Realm."
"Birthing slurries?"
"Yes. That's where Stone Men are born."
"It's probably like lava."
"Or like a mud pit."
"It's more like a mud pit, yes."
"See? Catboy's always right!"

-"Do you want to take the Sunstaff Roman?"
"Oh great, let's keep all the ways to get to the Crown of Creation in one place."
"Yeah, that's probably not a good plan."

-The PCs return to the Plane of Wisconsin, and get to the burger shack, where a grizzled old fry cook is at work.
"What'll you have? Mushroom Burger Special?"
"No! We're here for the ring."
"I still want the Mushroom Burger."
"One Mushroom Burger coming up!"

-"The Fry Cook is really powerful."
"His only jobs are to make burgers and guard the ring."
"Just like that guy whose jobs are to kill Catboy and then the sky-fuhrer!"
"I wonder if we could recruit that guy, after he kills Catboy?"

-"I'm an Ancient."
"You don't have the clearance rank to take the ring!"
"Look, I'm the senior known surviving Ancient."
"The second-most senior surviving Ancient is Mongo!"
"Oh shit, that's true!"

-Roman puts on the ring.
"Wait.. you're not going to eventually betray us, are you?"
"Hey, I trust you, Zargon! Er.. I mean, Roman!"

-After Wisconsin, the PCs take the UFOe back to the Grey Realms, and head toward the great temple.
"Remember, everyone keep cool, we were technically never meant to come back here."
"You get to the temple, and a Grey Alien in fancy robes opens the doors."
"Sami shoots him."
"Oh shit!"

-"Another priest starts to run away, shouting 'help! We're under attack!'"
"Nice, there's more of them!"

-"damn it we have to leave one alive!"

-"Heidi rips the throat out of one of the priests, Mortal Combat style."
"What are we doing?!"
"I don't know anymore!"

-"Go in there and kill anything that moves!"
"I hope there's younglings in there."

-"This is a holy temple!"
"It's not a temple of G.O.D.!"
"Yes it is!"
"Not the G.O.D.!"
"Yes it is!!"
"Not the one in the Crown of Creation!"
"Oh shit, my bad... well, still, shoot anyone that moves!"

-"Give us the ring!!"
"We don't have it!"
"Where is it??"
"It was confiscated years ago; the former queen wanted it for a costume party and never gave it back."
"Oh shit, Priscilla has the ring..."

-"Kill them all."
"No! They're men of G.O.D.!"
"Then they'll be happy to die for G.O.D."
"We wouldn't!!"

-"Let's go check out the palace just in case. Remember, if anyone asks what happened here, Bill sent us!"

-"So this whole session has been about sex, drugs and unnecessary manslaughter?"

-"How do we get into the palace?"
"We could sneak in?"
"Not likely."
"Well... we can fly.. and we have grenades.."
"So you want to drop grenades on the roof?"
"Yes, Roman."
"That... that's the greatest plan I've ever heard!"

-"I've noticed that there's an inverse relationship between Heidi's Pacifism, and how close he is to leveling up..."

-The party ultimately decides to just walk to the front gate, and end up being brought before Fake-Bill.
"Hey guys..."
"What's up?"
"I thought I sent you guys on a very distant mission...?"

-"If you try anything, we have our artillery targeted on your UFOe."
"There's no one of value there."

-"Priscilla took the ring."
"Oh. Fuck."
"Well, at least I'll finally get to kill Priscilla."

-"We can try to reason with the Jade Empress."
"I'm sure the Jade Empress will be reasonable..."
"We're screwed."

-"We'll land the UFOe near the palace and--"
"They're firing jade missiles at us!"

-The Jade army forces attack.
"What are the characters doing?"
"I'm staying near the open door of the UFOe with a rifle, and try to shoot at any oncoming missiles."
"My other guy lost his dagger so..."
"Wait, the dagger you fumbled back then and it just fell at your feet? You never bothered to pick it up??"
"No. Fuck that dagger!"

-"Wait... was that a magic dagger??"
"And you never picked it up?"
"You're a newbie! You shouldn't even be allowed to have a magic dagger!"
"Now I don't!"

-The PCs communicate with the jade forces, under Supreme Commander Jade Stone.
"Send me someone to negotiate."
"Who? Do we send?"
"G.O.D. help us, but of all the people who can fly, he's the most reasonable one right now."
"Damn it, Sami!"

-"Roman, can I get my force field belt back?"
"Now I feel safe."
"Yeah, that will really save you from the jade missiles."

-"Supreme Commander Stone, I can promise you that we do have an ancient, and we're here to get the Jade ring to save the universe."
"We'll need expert advice here, so I'm going to call in the Historiologist."
"Who's the historiologist?"
"He's the one with the ridiculous hat."
"It's the natural way of showing hierarchy."
"Like my sombrero!"

-"You have an Ancient?"
"It's a long story... actually, it's pretty short: we went back in time."

-"The Queen will have to approve to give you the ring."
"She better, because Sami will be pissed."

-"Why don't you bring the Ancient here?"
"We need to be sure he's safe."
"We'd have to be insane to hurt an Ancient!"
"It's happened before."
"Mostly that was us, though!"

-"How can we tell he's a real Ancient?"
"If he's a real Ancient he'll be able to decode some of the artifacts of Ancient-tech we have in the vault. Call the Technologist!"
"The 'technologist'? What does he do, The Science?"
"No, he's a specialist in Technonomy, of course!"

-"You guys better not try anything; I'm 1xp from leveling, so you do not want to piss me off!"

-"So, if you are an ancient, you will be able to identify the property of this mysterious sphere that has technology so advanced we can't figure out what it does."
"Roman touches it and music starts playing, and lights start flashing."
"It's a disco ball?"

-"If anything happens, start killing people!"

-The Jade people reach an agreement with the PCs, they'll exchange the Jade Realm's ring for the opportunity for their specialists to download the databanks from the UFOe to learn what the Grey Realm invasion plans are.
"Anything you don't want us to download?"
"I'd avoid any folders that have the word Probing in them."

-"So honestly, Jade dude, how do you guys reproduce?"
"...the exact same way you do."
"So like, man and woman parts?"
"Stop talking!"

-"Roman puts on the Jade Ring."
"Does he look like Thanos?"

-Sami's comments to the Jade technician about how organics reproduce has put his life in danger.
"I want asylum! I want asylum!! They'll kill me if I stay here! I know too much now!"

-"Come on, Stony!"
"Stony? He has a name, I presume."
"Yes I do. My name's Rocky!"

-"So we just got a new NPC?"

-"You have a fugitive on your vessel!"
"We do?"
"We'll look for him."
"If we see him, we'll let you know."
"New radio, who this?"

-"Just remember we have an Ancient on this ship!"
"And the Catboy, so if you kill us, you'd be a Sky-Nazi!"

-"You are not taking this seriously! You'll be forbidden here. Jade Men never forget!"
"Fuck off."
"That was Sami!"

-"So you're saying there's two things you need to know about the Stone Realm..."
"How do you mean?"
"OMG, the Ancient's didn't know the 2 things joke!"

-"I don't want to contradict the Ancient, but we were told the Stone Men were actually dangerous and aggressive."

-"Zeke and Rocky, you stay behind."
"Good, It'll give me a chance to teach Rocky the word of G.O.D."
"Don't baptize him! We might need him later!"

-"Good luck my friends, you can contact me if you need to."
"We can but probably won't."

-The PCs are almost immediately attacked by Stone Men.
"So half of the party are kicking ass, while the newbs are uselessly throwing rocks."
"And the sky-cleric!"

-"Does Sami actually like any character at all?"
"Do NPCs count?"
"Then no."

-Heidi gets 4 fumbles in a row, 2 in a single round!
"In this last one, he drops the demon sword!"

-"Newbs, it's OK! These are tough opponents, no one is expecting anything of you. Unlike the Mexican Sky-Cleric."
"Or Heidi!"

-"The trans-mutant newb grabs the sword!"
"What's your INT + WIS?"
"What? Holy shit! You are able to control the daemon-slaying sword. You cannot, however, control Heidi, who goes next and is probably going to kill you for stealing his sword."

-"Heidi grabs the sword back."
"The sword is now happy to be back with Heidi. You get the feeling it was unhappy with the trans-mutant, for some reason."

-"I just got hit. It hurt."
"Don't worry, we have two clerics in this party... ohhh, wait.."

-"Will someone fucking kill the other Stone Man?!"
"I am on my way!"
"Oh fuck, everything depends on the Mexican Sky-cleric!"

-"The sky-cleric charges on his hoverbike!"
"Natural 1; he crashes his hoverbike, flipping it multiple times and lands on a bunch of jagged rocks, possibly dead."

-"Is Heidi in the air right now?"
"No, his jetpack came loose in a fumble, remember?"
"He can't fly."
"Well, he could, but it wouldn't go well."

-Heidi finally gets a critical, and disembowels the Stone Man in one hit.

-"I give you guys 3xp for this fight, just because of how sorry I feel for you."

-"So now, all six of the newbs are just 1xp from levelling!"
"They're all going to die!"

And on that bombshell, we leave the PCs. Stay tuned next time to find out if Bill the Elf will be back, and whether the PCs will be able to keep gathering the rings to turn Roman into Thanos!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Egg + Image Latakia


  1. did they give the magic potato dagger to the newbie?

    1. Oh good god no. They just gave him an ordinary +1 dagger.