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Thursday, 5 September 2019

DCC Campaign Update: We Really Have to Childproof This Place

As of the end of our last adventure, the PCs were flying back toward Minotauria, complete with a couple of new-hire NPCs, and a mafia enforcer and mafia I.T. guy, to bring a shipload of weapons and a communication dish to that primitive nation, where they  had just helped their buddy Minocles state a violent and bloody coup.


-"I'll cut you, bitch!"
"Aww, Specter is just like me!"

-"Chariss is like a cross between the blob-dude from The Orville and Honey Boo Boo's mom."

-"I don't just do any old drugs, darlin! I'm not some hippie or something.. I like my opiates.. and the weed, of course!"

-"OK guys, let's guess.. what's a giant goblin? Is it a human-sized goblin? Or a literally giant-sized goblin?"

-"Hey Chariss.. do you know Bob Loblaw the Law Blob?"
"Yes! That son of a bitch screwed up my dealing charge on FSA, and they repossessed my shack because of him! And that was after I gave him the blob version of a blow job!"
"You mean..."
"Yes, I gave Bob Loblaw the Law Blob a Blow Job."
"You gave Bob Loblaw the Law Blob a Blob Blow Job?"

-The ship has accidentally flown into a herd of Ki-Rin!
"You need to give me authorization, Cleric!"
"Hmm... computer, grant Catboy authorization ONLY for piloting!"
"Catboy maneuvers by swerving to the left."
"Natural 20!"

-"Now that we're past the danger... Computer: rescind pilot authorization from Catboy."
"What?! No, restore! Restore autopilot!!"

-Catboy is sick of the sky-nazi and decides to hack the computer for authorization.
"I restore my own authorization, remove the Cleric's and give everyone else authorization.. except Chariss."
"I'm not offended, darlin.. it was probably a wise decision."

-"Bill can you cast Mend to fix the damaged sensors?"
"Can I get to them?"
"Now, in flight?"
"Not a good idea!"
"You get a natural 1, and everyone dies."

-The ship gets badly shaken up in a storm; the trans-mutant and the dwarf are in a coma.
"They were both hit on the head with a bowling ball."
"Someone ought to put that bowling ball away."

-"Specter is too annoying. Heidi pushes him out of the open door of the ship."
"What? No! Fly after him!"

-"The Sky-cleric goes to the sign that said 'x days since our last accident' and sets it back to zero."
"It wasn't an accident. I pushed him off on purpose."
"Oh. Right, OK, I set it back."'

-After flying below the clouds, Heidi spots Specter, about to fall at terminal velocity into the ocean.
"I use my Mighty Deed to swoop in and catch him just before he hits the water."
"I made the deed but failed my piloting check."
"You save the bucket Specter was holding but he crashes into the water and splatters to pieces."

-"Fuck it. Ship, go down."
"Lightning strikes the ship and disables all systems."
"OK Bill, now it's REALLY time to cast Mend!"
"We're all going to die!"

-"The system is restored and the ship very suddenly brakes. Everyone do a Reflex save."
"Catboy got a natural 1."
"He gets hit on the head by a bowling ball and gets knocked out. Also, the trans-mutant landed on a pile of spare weapons in the corner."
"We really have to childproof this place!"

-Arriving on Minotauria, a feast is held in the party's honor. There they are entertained by Minotaur wrestlers.
"Heidi, you should join them!"
"Yes, it would be an honor if you were to strip off your armor, cover your naked body in oil, and wrestle with us!"
"No thanks."

-"Tonight you will rest in rooms of honored guests, and have any minotaur women you want!"
"Catboy will have a minotaur woman..."
"Come with me little one, we shall have snoo-snoo!"
"Oh noes!"

-The Catboy comes out of his room the next day, with a very large very satisfied minotaur woman.
"He did well because no one saw him."
"You have impressed me, Catboy. You are no longer a Catboy, now you are a Catman! I may also be pregnant with your child."
"Cool. What's your name?"

-"Heidi, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up naked in the garden. For some reason, all your body hair has been shaved off."

-"Bill spent the night on the ship, playing Grand Theft Skyship with the Mafia-I.T. guy."
"I tell him I'm Bill the Elf."
"Wait.. so.. you're like.. a boygirl? And, like... you spoke to me and played a video game with me so that must mean that you're into me?"
"What? No!"
"But, really I wouldn't mind.. I mean.. I wouldn't care that you had a dick..."
"I don't!"
"You don't? Oh... well then never mind."

-"So Catboy may have impregnated Bovinia?"
"I can't even start to imagine what their babies will look like."

-"Catboy admits he wanted Bovinia just to make Anema jealous."
"And now you're marrying her?"

-The party proceeds the lands of the giant goblins, but along the way they are attacked by flying sky-wraiths who enter the ship.
"Heidi attacks but fumbles."
"He trips over the bowling ball."

-"Chariss absorbs the bowling ball into her body and then launches it to a wraith, but being non-magical it passes right through the wraith and lands right on the unconscious dwarf's groin."

-The Wraiths are defeated, but both Heidi and Chariss were affected by undead curses in the fight.
"I don't feel so good..."
"Go to the med-lab, Chariss."
"There's a med lab here??"
"With medicines?"
"Alright! Now we're cooking with gas!!"

-"You're now flying over the goblin lands."
"Can we see the goblins?"
"Yes. They look pretty small from up here."
"Can we tell how large they are?"
"Well, they're next to some trees, but you can't really tell if the trees are normal or giant sized."
"So we still have no idea how big they are?"

-"How are you doing Chariss?"
"Oh I'm doing real well darlin..."
"Did you find something that helped?"
"I'm still cursed. But I absorbed all the drugs, so now I don't care!"

-The Goblins turn out to be ogre-sized, and hyper-aggressive. They fight the PCs like crazy, until the party gets the idea to transmit from the ship's loudspeakers, and tell the goblins they've been sent by the Gods. The goblins seem to believe that, but they're just as aggressive about their gods as anything else.
"We will kill you to show the gods our strength!"

-They convince the goblins to take them "to be sacrificed" in the underground temple chambers where the moss is.
"That will work. Once we're where the moss is, I'll cast cloudkill."
"You can't, though! It'll probably destroy the hallucinogenic moss, which is why we're here."
"Yeah, and I need that moss for my arthritis!"
"Chariss you don't have joints!"
"Oh.. I meant my glaucoma!"

-They get to the temple-room with the moss, and start to fight with the giant-goblin guards and priest.
"Catboy gets hit with a critical and breaks a rib!"
"Does that have some kind of penalty?"
"Just pain."
"That's alright, I'm always in constant pain."
"Yeah but now it's not just emotional."

-"Chariss completely ignores the fight, and starts sucking on the magic moss."
"It's funny how Chariss is useless, and in many ways similar to Priscilla, and yet somehow way more likeable."
"Yeah, it is funny."

-"The Pundit's planes are very loosely based on the Tree of Life from the Qabalah."
"VERY loosely. You will not get an education in the Qabalah from this game. In fact, it's teaching you wrong on purpose."

-The guards and priest being defeated, the party fills up two large garbage bags with moss, and send it up to G.O.D., or presumably to Roman.

-"How old are you, Chariss?"
"I'm 52 years young!"
"And how long do blob people live?"
"Usually until we overdose."

-"So she's biologically immortal?"
"You know what that means, don't you Bill? She's another creature immune to your Emirkol's Maelstrom spell!"
"Goddamn it."

And on that note, we leave the party. They've sent up the two garbage bags full of moss to Roman, and kept some for themselves. Now they just have to get out of the Giant-Goblin territories. Or explore them, whichever they decide. Stay tuned for our next session to find out which!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Egg + Gawith's Navy Flake

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