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Saturday 15 October 2016

DCC Campaign Update: Almost Everyone Useful is Dead... and the Fishman

As of the end of last adventure, the stalwart PCs were inside an ancient  giant robot presumably in the shape of the Lord of Blood and Fire.  They had found, at the bottom of the mecha/statue a kind of service elevator leading down to a cave, and were considering exploring it; since even though they had Mended the mecha they were unable to figure out how to power it up.


-"Woof woof! There are people out here! I do not know these people! Woof woof woof!"

-The people that Wally the Airedale-Terrier/scout/lookout alerted the PCs to turn out to be more PCs! The Drunken Master has arrived along with a trio of newbies.
The Drunken Master was last seen abandoned by the rest of the party, unconscious in a field full of adorable bunnies that the PCs later learned were the spies and agents of Queen Zoey of Coolland (for whom they are now questing). He was given CPR by the bunnies and wandered off into the woods after his recovery.

-"*hic* Hello! I'm looking for my group..."
"... we wish you luck with that!"

-The newbies accompanying him are a Dwarven Kidnapper, a Halfling Chicken-Rider, and a Yellow-mutant Hobo.

-"Hey.. is there a doctor with you guys? I don't think my pee should be red!"

-"We have a job for you. We want you and your new friends to go down this elevator into a dark pit."
"I'm drunk, not stupid. I told my last party that!"
"We were your last party!"

-"So who's going down the shaft?"
(in stereo) "The Newbies!"

-"Look, we're only going to lower them halfway down so they can get a view of the cave. It's not like we're sending them to their certain doom!"
"Well, knowing you guys.."

-"We're trying to find some crystals, we think that they power the giant robot/statue"
"I still think we can just stuff corpses into the furnace."
"Corpses, crystals... more testing is required."

-"So if we tap on the basket three times, someone will pull us up?"
"No, but if you start to scream in agony and terror we'll cut the cable and close the hatch."

-"Guys are we even sure the libram of whatever is up there?"
"Holy shit, that was like two adventures ago, you fucking drunk!"

-"you know.. there could be alcohol down there.."
"I told you already, I may be drunk but I'm not... how much alcohol?"

-"Are you telling me not one of you fucking guys has a torch?!"
"well *hic* I don't like to get too close to fire.."

-"Fishman, can your new spell create the illusion of light??"
"He can't even create the illusion of competence!"
"man, when even the GM is making fun of your character..."
"That wasn't me, that was the NPC priest... but I do feel the same way."

-"Wait, can't Ekim's Mystical Mask give you infravision?"
"It can! Holy shit, it's actually fucking useful!"
"Wait.. it can only do that for 2 rounds."
"Oh for fuck's sake!"
"LOL, for one brief shining moment you thought that spell didn't totally suck!"

-"Oh wait you guys, I actually have a flashlight on me! I forgot!"
"fuck's sake!"

-"ok, get us down three-quarters of the way!"
"I can't! I'm shit at fractions!"

-"There's something moving down there... keep going but not all the way!"
"That's what she said!"

-Bill takes a literal 'shot in the dark' with a pistol.
"You can't do that with a magic missile, you know."

-"Why don't we just toss Morris down the hole?"
"I don't think we should be encouraging the creep to get anywhere near holes."

-"You know I have Spider Climb.. I am helpful sometimes!"
"Oh yeah... it's so rarely that we forget."

-Bill tries to cast a spell, but ends up receiving a vision from Sezrekan that would allow him to gain a new spell if he spends 24 hours in pure meditation.
"We're going to wait 24 hours, so we can be 'stronger together'".
"I've never trusted anyone who ever said that."

-The halfling is looking for a giant chicken to tame and ride; it's a test of manhood among his tribe.
"Well, you might just get yourself a magic chicken..we're hoping to receive another call from the Grand Council of Wizards".

-"So what do you do, dwarf?"
"I'm a professional kidnapper."
"What do you know? We now have a literal kidnapper in our party, and Morris is still the creepiest guy in the group."

-"This party once had a literal agent of the Lord of All Flesh, daemon of hedonism and erotic perversity, and he was less creepy than Morris!"

-"Cleric Zabaz, how about you take first watch with me?"
"How about fuck you, I won't do any watch. You want cure light wounds in the morning, don't you bitch?"
"So does Cure Disease cure lung cancer, dude?"

-The next morning, there's a minotaur attack! Morris spends 3 luck points on doing extra damage, but doesn't quite kill him!
"Drunken master, you have the chance to do the kill shot!"
"You had me at 'shot'"

-In fact, the drunken master fails his chance, so Morris spends another 2 points to finally get the kill. That means he starts the day 5 luck points down.

-Bill completes his meditation, and successfully obtains the Magic Shield spell.
"So what does that do?"
"Well, there's two things you have to know about Magic Shield.  The First is that it's a shield..."

-The party finally piles into the elevator; Morris volunteers to stay up top and pull the crank to lower the rest of the group, figuring he'll be safer that way.  Unfortunately, a shadow-creature that had been hiding in the room chooses that moment to attack (when the party are about halfway down the 200' drop to the cave).  Panicked, Morris snaps the crank and pulls himself down the rope, while the elevator plunges the rest of the way down doing massive damage to everyone inside.
"Thanks to you half the party might be dead!"
"I feel guilty about that."
"You ARE guilty!"
"Killing most of the party is frowned upon, you know!"

-Tragically, the Fishman is dead!  So is the yellow mutant and the halfling chicken-rider but no one cares much about that.

-Bill, Chu, and the Drunken Master survived. The Drunken Master is particularly affected by his brush with the grim reaper.
"I'm going to change my life, you guys.. I swear from this day forward I'll never set foot inside an elevator again."

-"Morris pretends to be sad, but on the inside he's really happy"

-The cave they fell into is full of extra-mutated radioactive mutants! There's a brief fight, but they get scared off after the party shoots a couple of them and Bill 'flames on' with Control Fire.
Since Bill is stuck being on fire for another hour or so, Chu chops up the Fishman and makes cooks fishman-kebobs off Bill's aura of flame.

-The party moves on to a cave filled with gems; but when Chu approaches a big pile of gems there turns out to be a pair of hideous demons hiding in the pile! Chu gets himself poisoned by their attacks.

-The Drunken Master manages to take up the fight, and one of the demons falls, but then the Drunken Master is taken down by a demon too.

-Zabaz uses Word of Command on the other demon: "Fuck!"
The demon immediately starts humping his fallen partner's corpse.

-Sadly, both Chu and the Drunken Master are dead now too. The rest of the PCs mourn, and then stuff every last gem they can into the briefcase of holding.

-"well, almost everyone who could actually do anything in this party is dead... and the Fishman"

-"We're going to have to proceed as usual: planning carefully at every step."
"We do that?"

-"Everyone is dead because of you, you shit!"
"You aren't dead..."
"Only because G.O.D. won't let me die!"

-The party makes their way to the shore of an underground pond. There, they find that the radioactive mutants have set up a cage filled with sacrificial prisoners/replacement PCs.  There's a Cold Mutant Thief that the party already met previously, and a human they previously knew too (only now he's become a Cleric in the Cult of Ack'basha, and renamed himself "Uncle Shebubu").  There's also a hideous Transparent Mutant sailor, a mutant rock-musician bard with a combination lute/axe (who can't actually speak or sing above a whisper), and a human shit-disturber from Arkhome.

-The transparent mutant sailor is also a cyclops, but he still has an eyepatch, he just puts it to the side of his head, in a desperate and doomed attempt to fit in.

-Just as the characters are getting introduced, a Giant Tentacle bursts out of the pond and starts to attack. Note that it's not a 'tentacle monster', just a seemingly autonomous Giant Tentacle.

-"I failed my Holy Sanctuary spell! Why, G.O.D, why??"
"Welcome to the life of a cleric, bitch!"

-The Cold Mutant is actually self-aware; he and the Fishman had both been temporarily swept up to the Crown of Creation when Nikos the Wizard had his apotheosis, and as a result they both came to realize that they were in fact just player characters, and for the same player. Thus, the Cold Mutant knows he was also the Fishman, and he's pretty pissed at his character having just died.

-"So what's the Cold Mutant's name?"
"No! Goddamnit don't you dare!"
"So Hum goes next?"
"too late"
"So now you've gone from playing a guy whose name no one remembered to playing one Hum's name no one will allow you to forget."

-"You're supposed to be a fucking cleric?? What happened to your dignity?"
"What dignity? I'm a cultist of Ack'Basha!"

-"That transparent mutant is hideous!"
"Yeah, he could actually use Ekim's Mystical Mask...ironic."

-"What did you fuckers do with my previous body??"
"Which one was it? There were so many corpses this adventure.."

-Transparent mutants are apparently Bill the Elf fans; on account of how both they and Bill are almost universally despised.
"Wait, are you Bill the Elf??"
"...depends who's asking?"

-"that Cold Mutant is the fucking Fishman somehow! I'm telling you, he switched bodies, like Bill supposedly did!"
"Maybe the Fishman was working for Sezrekhan all along?"
"Could that be one of the powers of Ekim's Mystical Mask?"

-"Shebubu" the Ack'basha cultist of course thinks Bill is the 'evil one'. He and the Cold Mutant squabble. Bill doesn't really give a fuck.

-The party moves on and finds an elaborate chest, which turns out to be trapped. Morris tries very delicately to disarm and open it. But the Shit Disturber accuses the whole party of cowardice and breaks the chest open, activating the explosive fire trap.  Incredibly, in spite of having only 4 Luck, he survives it.

-The chest contains a variety of riches, and a mysterious key.
"I was the one who opened the chest, so I'm the one who should get the stuff inside."
"I agree, and also I'm going to be staying the fuck away from you."

-"I'm not a selfish person.."
"You killed half the party just to avoid a shadow!"

-"There's a lot of fucking division in this party. I blame G.O.D."
"I blame the guy who killed half the party!"

-the group then finds their way into a ritual chamber which contains a portal to the demiplane of Blood & Fire. Unfortunately, a hideous bloody flaming creature that looks like a cross between a triceratops and a flying insect comes through the gate and attacks!
"Look out a..."
"A tricerawasp!"

-the Tricerawasp manages to kill the incredibly unlucky shit-disturber.

-"I'll throw a jug of rum at the tricerawasp!"
"Your alcoholic PC is turning in his grave."

-"Use your Word of Command: Shit spell!"
"No, it'll shit fire or something!"

-"You hit it with your lute-axe. Now your lute-axe is on fire"
"I rock out!"

-(whispered) "My lute has burned up... I'll have to become a vocalist"

The demon of the Plane of Blood and Fire, Bill Ward-Portals the hell out of the gateway. Now the PCs just have to find out how to get out of these caves and back up to the Demon Mecha before the Duke of Abstinence gets to it. They are still divided between whether they want to try to make it work, or just destroy it and beat the Duke in some other fashion.

Stay tuned for more DCC greatness!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Poker + C&D's Bailey's Front Porch

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