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Wednesday 28 June 2017

DCC Campaign Update: I Haven't had an Erection This Strong in Years

So, as of last adventure, the PCs had managed to defeat (though not kill) the Duke of Abstinence, disrupting his control over the huge zombie army he was going to use to invade Coolland and overthrow his niece Queen Zoey. It almost killed them!
Unfortunately, they didn't actually get rid of the thousands of zombies, now uncontrolled, that are roaming across Coolland's territory.


-One of our PCs (Tonut the Cleric) just leveled up.  Another (Heidi) is one single XP away from leveling up.
"That's dangerous. It's like being a cop who's two weeks away from retirement!"

-"Wait... did my pet chicken die?"
"Nope. He landed right on the city wall and was unharmed."

-Morris had been left behind in the Azure Tower, because his cyborg-ASS was interfering with the teleportation magic. Now, the order thinks they managed to adapt the ritual.  It turns out they're mostly right; they actually manage to teleport him to a field about 7 miles from Gaga.  Unfortunately for Morris, it's a field full of zombies!

-After running like hell, he finds his way to a ruined old church (of G.O.D.). With the zombie hordes approaching he engages in a desperate prayer.
"hello? Is anyone listening?"
"We Are Listening..."

-No, it's not G.O.D., it's 4 mysterious cowled inhuman figures that were already in the church.
"Who are you? What are you doing here?"
"We are agents of vengeance. We seek the destruction of Bill the Elf."
"Those zombies are going to kill us all!"
"They will not kill us."
"Are you undead?"
"No. We are... Sand Cows."

-It turns out the four mysterious creatures are more of the ridiculous elemental constructs created by the Archemaster.  He made them to hunt Bill the Elf; this was before the Archemaster went to the city of Lol (where he is presently trapped, in the Forever Pit). The Cows have been looking for Bill ever since.
"Ok, I.. I know where Bill is! Save me from the Zombies and I can help you!"

-"We believe you speak truth... one of us will make the Sacrifice."
One of the Sand cows steps outside the church, and Morris watches at it seems to explode into a vicious cyclone of sand particles that literally cuts hundreds of zombies to shreds!
"Can all of you do that?"
"Yes... but only once."

-"Now you will help us."
"Sure. Do you know Mu?"
"Is... is that some kind of joke?!"
"Huh? No, not 'moo'... Mu!"

-Morris realizes his life depends on giving the cows information, so he convinces them that they need to find Mu and the rest of the party to get to Bill. They agree to protect him on the way to Gaga, but demand he give them all the information on Bill he has. So he tells them 'information', like that Bill has only one testicle, he slept with Queen Priscilla, the wizards of Lol want to kill him, Bill once survived a nuclear explosion, and that he's a Neocon.

-Meanwhile, the rest of the PCs have been brought before Queen Zoey and her court.
"Has the danger passed?"
"Technically speaking? More or less."
"We've uh.. renovated the biodiversity of the area... with zombies."
"If we look at the project specifications we see most tasks has been completed!"

-"So, there's still thousands and thousands of zombies about to overrun us?!"
"Yes. Sorry. Can we get our reward now? We have to go."

-"You get no reward until you get rid of the zombies!"
"How the hell are we supposed to do that??"

-"What we need is a more experienced adventurer..."
"Your majesty, Morris the Creep has just arrived in the city!"
"Oh shit, quick Tonut get us out of here!"
"He brings monsters with him, your Majesty, some kind of Cow-ninjas! Also, he's now some kind of ass-cyborg!"

-"Morris is a creep. But sometimes a creep is what's needed!"
"You're a terrible queen?"
"What did you say to her?!"
"Oh, no Mr. Harembe, I meant Priscilla! Priscilla is a terrible queen."
"Hey! Fuck you fatty! I was going to sleep with you but now you just blew it."

-Morris arrives with his Cows.
"We were told you know where we can find Bill the Elf."
"Yeah, um.."
"--Bill the elf is the commander of the zombie armies! If you want to get to him you have to kill all the zombies."
"...That seems to make sense."
"I can't believe that worked!"

-The stupid Cow elementals head off to kill every zombie they can find.
"Since Morris brought the cows to us, he will be allowed to stay, and not be sent back to Fashion Jail."
"We'll see how long that lasts."

-The PCs regroup the next morning for a massive brunch and healing session. Unfortunately, Tonut gets Disapproval early on and as his divine punishment is required to 'heal the lame'.
"OK, I'll heal Mu, then."
"Mu's lame, and I heal him. So did that work."
"Is Mu still lame?"
"Well, yes."
"Then no."
"Damn it."

-"Morris are you still taking a dump?"
"*PING* Defecation complete*"
"Just finished!"
"Ok, come here, I have to heal the lame!"

-"*ASS calculates 1.8% chance of this healing succeeding in any way*"
"Damn. There's probably lame people in the Fashion Dungeon..."

-"You lost your +4 Mace. That's pretty lame!"
"Go away, Morris."

-Mu goes to see Harembe.
"No, my name is Harembe. I had an ancestor named Harambe..."

-"As you may know, Harembe, I'm a wizard."
"...Are you sure?"

-"I need to ward something, so I can become a dude again."
"...You're not a dude?"

-Mu is heading back to the palace when he runs into a strange pink mutant in a tacky-looking suit and tie.
"Hey there, chum! My name's Chris, and I have a business offer for you that you won't want to ignore."
"Why do you talk like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like you're in an old-timey documentary or something?"
"I don't follow you, friend!"
"Whatever. Let's go to my room."
"Let's do it! And by 'do it' I mean business, not homosexual activity!"
"I'm a woman!"
"...Are you sure?"

-Tonut, Kumar and Publio had made their way down to the Fashion Dungeon, but the guards don't want to let them in. However, they do find out that Emily the elf is in Fashion Prison!
"What, why?"
"Apparently, she was saying that her majesty Queen Zoey has Chlamydia!"
"...that doesn't sound like Emily."
"No. It sounds like Priscilla is getting rid of the competition."
"The report also says that she's super jealous of Priscilla because Priscilla is so much prettier than she is, and Priscilla and Harembe will probably get married soon."
"Does it, now?"

-Back in Mu's room, he learns that Chris wants to become the adventuring group's Manager. Chris assures Mu that they'll all make money, and Mu assures Chris that he's the leader of the group and can represent all of them.
"Excellent! Just sign right here."
"Ok, sure, this doesn't sound shady at all."
"Oh no. It's not shady, not even a little bit, my friend!"

-"You know in spite of being a lesser member of the royal family, this is actually the first time I've ever been in this palace."
"Queen Zoey sounds kind of cold."
"That's right! Although, my mother was also a pathological liar, so it might be that I'm not from the royal family at all! You know, I've said too much."

-"Mu, you're a wizard, you're supposed to be smart."

-Having been unable to find "the lame" at the dungeons, Tonut and company  head into the city, and get to a "holistic clinic". There they meet a hipster girl pretending to be a hippie girl. You can tell she isn't, because she's too clean.
"What do you people do here?"
"Mostly yoga!"
"Miss you are culturally appropriating my culture!"
"Oh no, it's ok, because we're really attractive!"

-"Mr. Kumar would you like to give a talk about spirituality here?"
"We both could!"
"Oh no, your friend is just a cleric. We only want talks from spiritual people, like you!"
"I did not say I was spiritual..."
"Yes, but, it's obvious you're spiritual..I mean, you know..."

-They finally get the pseudo-hippie chick to let them into a yoga class. It's full of relatively attractive women, one obese man, and the handsome instructor wearing a man-bun.
"That one. The Man-bun. Break his leg."
"Does it look breakable?"
"He's probably a vegan, so he has the bone strength of a bird."

-While Publio shatters the man-bun's knee, Kumar is complaining about the state of things.
"What in the heck is this shit?! This is not yoga, it is just stretching!"

-Tonut heals Man-bun's shattered knee. When he does so, the instructor's man-bun also falls off.
"I have healed the Lame!!"

-"Hey, you guys are the heroes who stopped the zombie army, right?  We just got your merchandising!"
"Yeah, these yoga mats with your faces on them. Your manager just brought them."
"Uh, ok."

-When the group gets back together they find out about what Mu has done with Chris.
"He's our new business manager."
"Like hell he is."
"Well, friends, Mu is your leader, and he signed these contracts on your behalf!"
"He's not our leader and had no authority."
"Oh. Well, in that case, maybe we can re-negotiate?"
"Sure... I Geas him."
"I Charm him."

-Chris, now Geased and Charmed, makes new contracts with everyone, except Mu who is stuck with the older, shittier contract. Then he goes and negotiates a reward for the party with Queen Zoey, much to their surprise.
"This guy might just pay off."
"Oh fuck's sake, he'll be like Zeke Bodean all over again."

-The next morning, the PCs are awakened by alarm bells. A large armed sky-ship is flying down into Gaga, causing everyone to panic.
"Is it sky-nazis?"
"Well, there's no sky-nazi insignias."
"They could be undercover. I've heard they're very skilled at that."

-It turns out to be Roman and Jal'udin!
"Get in, bitches, we're going to save the universe!"

-the PCs pile into the ship, with Chris making it in too just before they take off.
"Who's this?!"
"He's our meat-shield."
"Oh. Well, why not? I guess it's useful for your meat shields to have meat shields!"

-Jal'udin found the entrance to a deep cave complex that might have Ancient survivors inside it.

-Jal'udin will not be coming with the team, but tries to get them to tell him where the Sunstaff is found. They don't tell him, but claim that the Azure Order knows, in what is probably a bad move.

-"This Ancient complex is found in the Mountains of Terror. Don't worry, though, it's only a name! They're really more of a tall range of hills!"

-"Any information about the Dark Ones I should know?"
"There's two things you need to know about the Dark Ones..."

-The entrance to the cave is surrounded by orcish totems depicting their god of death, and dire warnings.
"It says 'Welcome, Adventurers'!"

-At the entrance of the cave, the PCs find a heavy blast-door with a high tech keypad. Roman has Morris check for traps, but only to see if the pad is electrified. Then he uses his Sonic Tool to open it.

-Inside the cave complex the PCs encounter a group of Shadow Elves! Like all shadow-elves they have night-black skin, long luxurious hair, extra-pointy ears, badass scimitars, a general tough-guy look, and ridiculous squeaky voices.
"Why do they all have squeaky voices?"
"Because Fuck Drrzt, that's why."

-The Shadow Elves do not give the PCs the right to pass. Heidi challenges their leader, Ashiliath the Tormentor, to single combat.
The battle is really close for several rounds, but finally Heidi gets in a staggering blow.
"Oh! I'm Lame!"

-With Ashiliath crippled, the other Shadow Elves prepare to kill him. Heidi complains but they insist it is the way of their people.
"We must sing him our falsetto death-cry to send him to the hall of warriors"
"You're a stupid race and should feel ashamed of yourselves."

-"Go forth, adventurers. And if you run into any others of our race, tell them that you are he who slew Ashiliath the Tormentor, and they will let you pass."
"Just to be sure, is there any other 'the Tormentor' in these caves?"
"No, he was the only one."
"Ok, cool."

-The PCs enter a huge cavern covered in glowing mushrooms.
"This reminds me of a joke I have once heard, sirs! Knock knock!"
"Do we have to Kumar?"
"Knock knock, sirs!"
"Who's there."
"Fungi! Do you get it? Like fun-guy!"
"I knew a fun guy once..."

-"Quick, Chris, pretend you're Bill the Elf!"
"Sure! I might even have elven blood in me, you know. Though knowing that bitch mother of mine, it might all be lies!"

-"I'm going to try to hide."
"Heidi is right here!"
"No, hide, not heidi!"

-"*ASS Sensors detect 12 orcs in the next chamber. Alert! Orcs are missing 97% of their brain mass!*"

-The orcs are hiding behind the mineral rocky outgrowths, but they don't move at all. Heidi isn't having any luck shooting at them either.

-"I'm going to charge them! Who's with me??"
"We're all with you, Publio. Morally, I mean. Not literally."

-"I'm going to cast magic missile at them. That's thinking like a wizard... which means it's probably a bad idea."
"We're with you morally too, Mu!"

-Heidi has Tonut lift him into the air and then cannonballs a bunch of the brain-dead orcs.

-Chris manages to bash in the head of an orc!
"I've had my first blood! I haven't had an erection this strong in years, fellows!"
"TMI, dude!"

-An orc stabs Chris through the spine.
"Augh, my spine!"
"Even his cries of agony sound funny."
"I deserve this, I tried to fly too close to the sun. Learn from me, my friends!"

-Mu uses his psionic power to make himself invisible to the orcs; when he does so, he senses a deep evil power. He notices Roman is sensing the same thing.

-Tonut gets disapproval, and now has to Heal the Sick.

-Chris has miraculously survived; but his spine is shattered.
"Is that being sick?"
"No, that's lame."
"Damn it!"

-With the party in dire straights, Publio charges an orc, fumbles, and heroically stabs Morris into unconsciousness.
"You didn't kill him!"
"That will be up to us now."

-"I'll attack the orc on Morris."
"You sure, Heidi? You haven't killed the one on you yet."
"Oh, well then I definitely don't help Morris."
"After all, the other orc will probably hit Publio first."
"Or Morris. But either way, nothing of value will be lost."

-"*ASS Calibrating*!"

-Publio fumbles again!
"We did too good a job of training him wrong..."

-"Well, friends, today was definitely a roller-coaster ride of emotions. I went from having massive wood to shitting myself."
"Aw man, you should have told me that before I laid hands on you to cure you!"

-"We should stop here and rest."
"We can't stop here! This is Dark One country!"

However, the session could indeed stop here.  Will the PCs survive the complex infested by the Dark Ones? Will Morris ever stop being Lame?  Will Mu ever change gender again? Would anyone notice if he did? Will Publio end up killing himself, or a fellow party member? All this and more will probably not be answered in our next exciting session. Stay tuned!


Currently Smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Image Virginia

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