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Friday 6 October 2017

DCC Campaign Archive: They're Pre-emptive Snakes!

When we left off in our last session, the PCs were racing away from Fuck Station Aleph on the Superfly-1, being hotly pursued by the Station's Valkyrie Fighters.


-"Do you have anywhere we could lay low, Blitzkrieg?"
"Well, there's that deadly asteroid field over there."
"Oh.. and.. are you good with that?"
"Man, I'm good with everything!"

-"Hey can I start shooting at something?"
"You can start shooting at everything!"

-"Shut up, this is all your fault! You killed that woman with your snakes!"
"With all my snakes! It was awesome."
"No, it's awful."
"Well, I am a vegan."

-The Superfly-1 is being pursued by Valkyrie Fighter ships, which look like giant boobs.

-"Sakomano, just asking.. but do you have any spare vacuum-suits?"
"Hell no! Why would we need that?"

-Blitzkrieg avoids the first shots by veering the Superfly-1 slightly to the left.
"Awesome! He knows maneuvers!"

-Unfortunately, the Valkyrie Fighters also know maneuvers, and when they hit the Superfly-1 everyone on board does the Star Trek Shuffle.

-"Blitzkrieg are you sure you want to fly us into an asteroid field? We've got people on board who are 1xp from leveling up!"
"Never tell me the odds!"

-Vizi, operating the Superfly-1's turret-cannon, manages to hit one of the Valkyrie Fighters, causing it to retreat. Then he hits another making it slam into the third.
"Stop it, Vizi! You're giving me false hope we'll survive this!"
"Hope is my middle name!"
"Really? What's your last name?"
"Yeah.. Vizi 'hope'...what?"
"Fuck you guys! I don't have a last name. I hope to get one someday."

-"use the force, Vizi!"
"Huh? Roman?! What the fuck are you doing sneaking up behind me and whispering into my ear?!"
"I said 'use more force'! Your attenuator is only on 'Low'!"
"Ohhh... ok."

-The Valkyrie ships are now close enough that the PCs can see through their cockpit-windows.
"The Valkyries are being piloted by real Valkyries, you guys!"
"Well, hot babes, anyways."

-"Are you sure they're not going to spot us hidden behind this asteroid? Should we shut off all power or something?"
"Nah, this is an Energy-Saver ship. When it's idle it can't be detected."
"Blitzkrieg believes in saving the environment."

-While Roman is repairing the damage to the ship with Space-Bear, Mu gets Blitzkrieg to search the Interwebs for 'Roman Beckett'. They find that there's tons of hits, maybe too many, but all of them are only from the last two years. It's like Roman didn't exist before that.

-"Hey what are you guys doing up here?"
"Nothing, Roman! Totally not looking up stuff about someone on the Interwebs!"

-That night, Mu levels up, to level 3.
"Yes! Now my Will save is +0!"

-Sami and Heidi were both knocked out in the firefight with the Valkyries and they're still unconscious the next day (their players didn't come).
"I think they've slipped into a coma. Should we do something?"
"They'll be fine."

-The Superfly-1 finally arrives on Gebo. They expected to find the Sezrekhan-zombie Bill the Elf there, but he's gone. There's also evidence that Jal'udin's men were here. Vizi has a psychic vision of Jal'udin on the asteroid, kidnapping Bill (alive) and being unable to decipher the secret of the monolith. But he was planning to go find the answer back on Lol.

-"Wait.. Bill the Elf has a snake-head?"
"And he wears flip-flops."
"Man, I have got to meet this motherfucker!"

-Roman warns Vizi that he shouldn't try to use his psychic powers to 'read the monolith', but the rest of the party believes he's using reverse-psychology on him.

-"Look, just do it or don't do it."
"There is no try."

-Vizi tries to psychically sense the monolith, but he only ends up seeing a vision of Bill the Elf murdering Fluffy the Cat and his minder.

-"So Bill didn't betray us after all?"
"He was betraying fluffy?"
"One thing's for sure, he was betraying someone!"
"Maybe more."

-"So Jaludin is trying to figure out the answer to the monolith riddle. What do we do?"
"We could go to the library of Barth."
"Who the fuck picks these names?"

-The plan is either to go to the library of Barth, which is another huge orbital library but on general-subjects, or to go back and infiltrate Lol and steal the brain of Zuman from Lol's mausoleum.

-"I know! We could flood the city with snakes!"
"That won't help!"
"How about cats?"

-"Is Ekim's brain in the mausoleum?"
"Ok, because I would like to file a complaint."

-They decide to go to Lol. On the way Roman admits he's pretty sure Mu will be recognized and captured, so the other PCs would be better off going separately from him.
"You should stay on the ship, Mu, if you have any brains."
"No, I'm going to take the risks."
"Suit yourself."
"Wait.. was that reverse psychology again? Are you planning to have me go to cause a distraction?"

-"Me and Blitkrieg will stay behind here on the ship. And we'll rescue you if.. bwah hahaha.. oh man, I'm sorry, I just can't keep saying that with a straight face."

-"Ok, so we're going in two different paths"
 "You're team Monkey and we're team Snakes!"
"Yeah, me going around with a monkey-wizard familiar definitely isn't going to make me stand out..."

-The Superfly-1 lands in the Lol spaceport. The area is crawling with black-armored High Council guards, and there's propaganda posters everywhere, with slogans like 'Peace Has Returned' or 'Report Sezrekhan Zombies to Your Local Extermination Squad'.

-They get interviewed by the Port Authority.
"Are you a wizard?"
"Do you cast spells?"
"No, I smoke herbs and have visions."
"Oh. I'll just put you down as 'hippie'.  And your profession, sir?"
"Ok, make that 'two hippies'."

-"Are you now or have you ever been part of a revolutionary organization?"
"No. Well, he's a vegan."
"I said revolutionary, not stupid."

-When Vizi and the Vegan wizard get up onto the streets of Lol, they see some kind of a rally going on. Apparently sanctioned or at least unmolested by the police forces, the marchers are carrying placards saying 'expel interplanar degenerates', 'down with the Greys', and 'make Lol great again'.

-Mu, meanwhile, has snuck in with invisibility, and then flies over straight to the mausoleum. He's recognized by the mausoleum keeper but goes invisible again, gets past the guards, and managed to get to Zuman's brain.  Zuman explains his code.
"The numbers on the monolith... they are a library code. Find the book it corresponds to, and you will have your password!"
"...why don't you just tell me what it is?"
"...fine. It's 'The Dark Gate'. You're no fun!"

-As he's leaving the mausoleum, still invisible, Mu sees Vizi and the Vegan. But instead of telling them he's already succeeded in the mission, he can't be arsed and just leaves them there.

-In any case, Vizi and the Vegan weren't heading to the mausoleum. One-upping Mu in sheer crappiness, they decide to ignore the mission completely and head over to the market.
"What's the best jet-pack you've got?"
"That would be the Huntsman. It costs 1500 credits."
"Oh. Ok, how about the cheapest jetpack you've got?"
"These ones in the pile were made in a Kekistani sweatshop. They cost 600 credits. No warranty."
" you have anything in the middle?"
"We have the Flightmaster, it's decent, for 750 credits. Or the Lady Flightmaster, for 790."
"What's the difference between the two?"
"The Lady Flightmaster is pink."
"I'll take the Lady Flightmaster, please!"

-Vizi and the Vegan buy comms, jet packs, particle belts and take a bunch of selfies. Roman contacts them and tells them to get back to the ship.

-At the fair, there's an anti-Archemaster protest. The black guard come in.
"Ok, beat the shit out of anyone who's identity scan registers their profession as 'hippie'!"
"oh, shit!"

-Meanwhile, Mu has gotten back to the spaceship, but since he'd been spotted at the mausoleum, he's most wanted, and the port authority are searching everything.
"What do I do?"
"Quick man, hide here in this secret smuggler's compartment!"
"Wait, I'm getting in there too."
"There's not enough room for both of us, Roman!"
"Tough, get ready to snuggle up, Mu."

-"What do we do, Vizi?"
"Let's just pretend we're dumb tourists"
"I have a problem with you saying that's just pretending."

-Mu and Roman are discovered by the port authority guards. Roman blows one's brains out; Mu blasts another two with magic missiles.

-Vizi and the Vegan mutant make it down to the ship in the middle of the fight with the guards. The vegan wizard takes a swing at a guard with his sword.
"Hah! The Vegan wizard fights like Publio used to!"

-Blitzkrieg Sakomano joins the shooting.
"All you black-helmet motherfuckers get the fuck off my ship!"

-One of Jal'udin's assassins is also at the spaceport, and starts a lightsaber duel with Vizi!

-Rather than risk the lightsaber fight, though, Vizi decides to just psychically dominate the assassin.

-The Superfly-1 takes off, escaping Lol, taking the assassin with them.

-Vizi tries to get the assassin high on medicinal herbs to have him talk; but his training is just too good. So Roman decides to brain-fry the Assassin to find out what he knows. This confirms what they all suspected: Jal'udin and the Archemaster are allies.
Vizi decapitates the assassin.

-They get back to Gebo. Mu circles the monolith and speaks the words, and the monolith opens a dark gateway.

-"Remember, the demon Rataxos is in there. He'll try to convince you to let him free. Don't let him!"
"But maybe he'd be a good patron?"

-The Vegan Wizard conjures some snakes.
"Why did you do that?"
"They're pre-emptive snakes."

-Sakomano and Space-Bear stay behind on the superfly-1, taking care of Mongo (who is too valuable to be risked), while the rest of the party enters the monolith.

-They find themselves in total darkness. The Vegan wizard casts 'detect magic' and sees that they're in a corridor, and several horrific photo-negative giant centipedes are heading their way!

-In the fight the Vegan Wizard keeps spellburning 1 point at a time to recover his Animal Summoning spell, and keeps losing it.
"I don't get you. You burned like 10 points to murder the shopkeeper back on Fuck Station Aleph, but here we're fighting for our lives against extraplanar monsters and you're pussyfooting it."
"She was a greater danger to me than these bugs."

-Just as they're getting into trouble, a magic missile comes from the darkness and blasts one of the bugs!

-The Vegan Wizard finally manages to summon a giant porcupine, which quills the living fuck out of the last of the demonic bugs.

-"So, can I ride around on my giant porcupine?"
"What the hell is wrong with you?"

-"Come to think of it, how the hell do porcupines make love?"
"Very carefully."

-The PCs finally see who helped them in the fight, as out of the darkness comes... the Hippomagus!

-"Do you have the sunstaff?"
"It is in the hands of the demon rataxos! If we want it, we will have to work together to have any chance of defeating him."
"Oh, shit."

That's it for this session. Will the PCs be able to get the sunstaff at long last?
Find out in our next session!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Egg + Gawith's Navy Flake

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