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Monday 4 September 2017

I Suspect Some Weird Shit is Going Down in Candy Crush

Those of you who follow this blog know that I'm not a video gamer.   I'm just much too busy with RPGs, and I find them more interesting.   I've played the odd game once or twice.  Historically, the only computer game I played a lot of was Nethack.  And in the present day, the only game I've put on my phone was Candy Crush, something I picked up from The Wench.

Every time I get a new phone, I get a new edition of Candy Crush, and play it through all the way up its levels. I ended up somewhere above lv. 900 with the original, and somewhere around the same with the sequel.

But now, I've come back home with a brand new Moto G5 Plus, and downloaded the next game in the saga: Candy Crush Jelly (which is the sequel to Candy Crush Soda, which was the sequel to the original Candy Crush).

And let me tell you, I'm a little disturbed...

So while candy crush is a puzzle game, it has some kind of theoretical storyline behind it. In the first two versions, you play a girl who is going through the Candy Kingdom on some kind of quest. I don't pay much attention to the story, and it doesn't really make any sense to me as a whole. But the point is that in between one level and another, the little-girl protagonist ends up meeting a bunch of unusual characters (some villainous, some nice).

I know that in the sequel, Candy Crush Soda, the main character is supposed to be the sister of the original main character, and it's her she's looking for.  Bear with me.

This is the Yeti. He's the only character I can recall to appear in both of the first two Candy Crush games. He's friendly to both the girls.

Now we get to the third installment: Candy Crush Jelly.  I downloaded it a few weeks ago with the new phone and started playing. Like I said, the very flimsy story between levels doesn't matter to me at all. So I did the first 30 levels or so without even giving the characters a second thought. But then at one moment I stopped and actually ended up getting a good luck at the new Jelly-saga protagonist.

This is the main character:

Notice something? The new character looks part-yeti.

I'm pretty sure that Yeti ended up knocking up one of the earlier protagonists in the intervening years between the stories, in some batshit scene out of someone's Rule-34 fantasy.  I was so troubled by this possibility that I went and tried to look up the background story; it claims that the Yeti is actually the new girl's "uncle".  Huh. Yeah, "uncle". That's what mommy told her through sad eyes knowing that she could never admit that her daughter was the product of sordid inter-species lust and her little heroine was a monster that could never find acceptance among human- or yeti-kind.

I'm not going to stop playing Candy Crush. It's an addiction.
But after this I'll never be able to look at the between-level scenes quite the same.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Egg + Gawith's Navy Flake


  1. It looks more like he's made of jelly to me.

  2. Still not as disturbing as the Candy Crush Saga Japanese Commercial, you know the one with the grown men dressed up as school girls licking lollipops.

    What has been seen cannot be unseen XD

    1. Goddamnit, I'd blocked that out of my memory!

      That settles it, these guys are fucked up.