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Thursday 5 April 2018

DCC Campaign Update: They're Wakandan Kobolds!

As of our last session, the PCs were returned to their place in Space/Time, by BOLT-0, before they could get any reward for having saved the continuum from a Dimension Bug incursion. No sooner had they arrived, as the Catboy was kidnapped by Anema, who has fallen out again with Fabritzio the biker-Wight revolutionary.


-This is the 5th anniversary of the DCC Last Sun campaign! As with last year, we had a celebratory cake.
"The cake was thanks to Vizi/Bill's player. Which is fitting, as Bill is the only surviving character from the start of the campaign."
"Well, surviving is a strong word..."

-"So the only one who saw you being kidnapped was the Vegomagus."
"'saw' is a strong word, he's blind in the Sun."

-"You know, it's not just that the Vegomagus is blind in the Sun, it's that his cyber-eyes are constantly being blinded. He's in constant pain!"
"Yeah, that's hilarious!"

-Heidi, Sami and Vizi are catching up with Roman and Captain Harry, and the Jesuses.
"So, do you chaps think these time dinosaurs will be after me?"
"Oh yeah, we made sure of that."

-"You left Mongo unattended? After he ate Chocolate Jesus last time?"
"It's not like he'll eat any of the rest of us. We're not delicious."
"Aren't you the guy who said 'eat my flesh' and 'drink my blood'?"

-"Where are our companions?"
"I knoweth not; I hath chosen to avoid them."
"You have chosen wisely."

-"They were near the hydroponics lab."
"They grow vegetables."
"Yeah... vegetables... if the federal government asks, that's what we grow. Vegetables."
"I'm surprised, Republican Jesus. Aren't you supposed to be against weed?"
"Nope. It's very popular in the heartland. We just don't talk about it in public like the hippies do."

-"I hear the Vegomagus, not far from here, crying desperately for help.  We should go the other way."

-Roman, Vizi and Republican Jesus are smoking some of the 'vegetables' in the hydroponics lab.
"So we can understand the Time Dinosaur language now."
"Wow.  It's supposed to be a very complex language."
"Some have speculated it's actually a composite language, composed of the combination of their incomprehensible squaks and the movement of their tiny dinosaur arms."

-"We ought to be getting Anema and Fabritzio back together, and getting ourselves to the Crown of Creation... but then I got high."

-Roman seems worried that BOLT-0 might have said something about him.
"You know, BOLT-0 tries to act all funny and quaint and likeable, but deep down he's a complete asshole."
"Huh. Sounds like Roman looking into a mirror..."

-Meanwhile, unbeknownst to anyone, Anema has left the Sun with Catboy, and the two have ended up in a high-tech city, populated by a super-advanced utopian Kobold society.

-"This place wasn't like this at all the last time I was here. It was a pretty little valley, with cute fuzzy creatures who tried to poke me with pointed sticks!"
"Yes, our early encounter with you united our fighting clans, and we gradually developed over thousands of years to this advanced state you see today. It was thanks to your interference."
"Wow, so you worship me as a goddess?"
"We used to. We have now moved beyond that and long since realized you were actually just a very advanced entity."
"Wow. Well, ok!"

-"In order to keep our society safe, we have created a complex system of force fields, camouflage fields, and interference against magical detection. Thus, our valley remains hidden to all."
"They're wakandan kobolds!"

-"By any chance, has your advanced technology ever invented a machine that can suck a soul out of a wight and put it back in its owner?"
"No.. but given enough time and experimentation, we could make such a thing."

-"Although we usually do not allow outsiders into our culture, because of her role in creating our civilization, we welcome Anema and her companion!"
"I'm Catboy."
"That's self-evident."
"No, I mean that's my name. I'm also called Meow, or Catabra."
"Do you have any name that isn't a pun?"

-"So wait, your force-field thingy means that no one will even know we're here?"
"The Kobolds look horrified that the founder of their culture uses the word 'thingy'."

-"I guess we'll stay here, if it means no one can find us! That way, I'll have time to get to know my new boyfriend better..."
"You're a super-entity, why are you interested in romance?!"
"You kobolds are boring. I'm ashamed that I created something so boring."
"It's alright. We still respect your role in the founding of our culture, we just think you're our inferior now. We've evolved past you."
"That's OK with me, I'm a catboy, everyone thinks I'm inferior!"

-"I'm curious, does the catboy's penis have--"
"No! That's a level of detail we won't be going into in this campaign. Who do you think I am, Venger Satanis?!"

-Meanwhile, Sami finds Mongo, sound asleep in the gym, still clutching a very perturbed-looking rabbit.
"I'll try to pry the rabbit out of Mongo's hands."
"He's got a death-grip on it. The bunny looks up at you with sad eyes, as if telling you to that it's too late for him, and you should leave it behind and save yourself."

-Black Jesus finds Sami and Heidi, having found out that Anema is missing. He then goes off to find Vizi and Roman, but they're still in the hydroponics lab, and then Black Jesus gets high.

-"Hey can you make some vanilla ice cream?"
"Motherfucker, what did I tell you?!"
"Oh fine, chocolate then?"
"Now that I can do! SHAZAM!"

-The PCs come up with a plant to trick Fabritzio into being jealous of the catboy and wanting to go 'rescue' Anema.
"What we need to do is make him think he's the hero and protagonist of the story, but really we're manipulating him at every step to fulfill our agenda."
"Yeah, Captain Harry, you're right and... wait a minute!"
"We know you're trying to do that to us, Harry, we're not dumb!"
"No, of course you're not."
"Stop that!"

-"we'll need someone to keep an eye on Mongo."
"Maybe Mexican Jesus? He's usually the one we get to do jobs that no one else wants to do."

-Sami goes off to see Fabritzio.
"Anema has run off with the catboy? ...well, what do I care? She is stupid!"
"I mean, who would choose a catboy over such a sexy wight?"

-"You're really taking this maturely, Fabritzio. It is remarkable how maturely you're handling losing to the Catboy. Especially since he said he thinks he's better than you."
"Anyways, she's probably in some evil empire that needs overthrowing, and no one wants to be bothered with that job."
"yeah, but you should just stay here."
"No! I will go with you. First I will overthrow this evil empire, and then I am going to kick the crap out of this catboy!"

-"You manipulated Fabritzio very well, and absolutely of your own free will.."
"Shut up, Harry."

-The PCs decide to arm up before going down to the surface. Republican Jesus shows them his hangar-sized armory.

-"This backpack that RJ gave me must either be camo colors or have the American flag."
"It has both, actually."
"That's the American version of 'compromise'."

-"Wearing armor is for pussies. The real way to go into combat is bare-chested and wearing a headband."

-"Can you tell us anything about this, Harry?"
"Well, I seem to remember the history books said something about Anema running off with a catboy. That's the only mention of him I recall."
"That doesn't bode well for the catboy!"

-"So after this we go to the Crown of Creation, right?"
"Well, I wasn't much of a reader, but I seem to recall there were many other parts to this story before you got to the Crown."
"Yes, the ancient chronicles were often criticized for being too long with endless side-quests."
"Harry, why the fuck did you end up being the time traveler if you're not good at history?!"
"Family connections."

-Anema and the catboy had sex.
"Well... that was really.. sweet."
"Hah, we know what that means! Anema thinks you sucked, catboy"
"Oh.. so I suppose you'll want to go back to Fabritzio, Anema?"
"Oh no! I didn't mean it that way, sweetie. Aww, you're so adorable when you look at me with those pathetic eyes. It makes me want to comfort you!"

-"I guess we should go to this ceremony the kobolds are putting on in your honor, Anema."
"Yeah. Then after that we can come back here and try again!"
"You say that like I failed!!"

-"you're so insecure, catboy. You shouldn't let the rest of your party push you around!"
"You're right, Anema."
"You should stand up to them!"
"Yes dear!"
"You shouldn't care what they think and just do what I want!"
"Yes dear..."

-"So what sort of things can you kobolds do with your supertechnology?"
"Well, for example, our primitive lifespans were about 15 years; but now we use nanites to extend our lifespans to centuries."
"Really? Can you use those on me?"
"Certainly.. stand there."
"Wait.. you're not going to probe me, are you?!"
"No, that beam of light was the whole process."
"Yes, we have long since moved beyond both the technological need for probing and the sense of humor that would find the probing of others to be funny."

-While Anema is being praised by all the Kobolds, someone sneaks up on the catboy and threatens him with a pointed stick. He immediately surrenders and lets himself be taken into an alley. His kidnapper is a scruffy-looking antisocial kobold.
"Alright, don't try anything, I'm going to search you."
"I don't have anything of value!"
"You have a machinegun, a laser pistol, and I can see at least a half dozen other weapons."
"Oh, yeah those."

-"And just to review, the catboy was armed to the teeth but let himself be kidnapped by a guy who just had a pointed stick?"
"A guy about half his size, yes."

-"My name is Jezzro. I'm a Kobold traditionalist. We have become decadent and weak because of our technological advancement. We can only return to greatness by rejecting everything that has made our world a utopia!"
"Sure, that makes sense."

-Jezzro leads Catboy into a building and then down into a concealed bunker.
"Sit on this chair."
"It's a tiny kobold chair."
"Ok, then sit on the floor."
"Do you have a bed?"
"Beds are for weak men who prize a soft society. I sleep on straw. Well, nanite-generated straw, but it's still straw!"

-"So are you guys terrorists?"
"There's really just me. Well, me and a few other people who sympathize with me. We talk a lot about old stories on a communication network."

-"If you let me, I can call up some people who'll totally destroy your culture just by showing up here."
"Really? An external enemy... yes, that could work!"

-"We're calling this place Kobowanda."

-Jezzro contacts the Utopian (Kobowandan) Leadership and reveals his terms.
"The Catboy has been kidnapped by a malcontent named Jezzro. We thought of him as troublesome but incompetent."

-The Catboy is allowed to speak by radio with Anema.
"Anema, can you call my friends to get this guy?"
"You.. you need all your friends to save you from one kobold?"
"Oh.. um.. yeah."
"OK.. no I mean it's ok, I don't want you to get hurt. I'll get your friends, and they'll save you... since you can't save yourself."

-Sami uses divine aid to find Anema. It works! But then moments later Anema contacts them anyways.

"Quick, I need you to save the Catboy!"
"What? No!"
"Too late! I'm teleporting you."

-Fabritzio immediately wants to overthrow the Kobold Utopia.
"Anema doesn't want the overthrow, though."
"Anema wants a lot of things, but she was the one who brought us here, and she should have known the second she did that, this whole civilization was doomed."

-"I think Anema is actually a bit tired of the Catboy."
"Well yeah, she's been with him for almost an entire day."

-While the PCs are busy chatting, Anema and Fabritzio take off, assault a flying car, and head to rescue the Catboy.

-"So, science kobold, where can we go assault someone for a flying car?"
"Please, you don't need to assault anyone! We can just give you transport."
"Oh.. OK."
"Hey, I just remembered we can fly with the jetpack!"
"You just wanted to assault someone."

-"I don't know if it's a good idea to leave Republican Jesus unsupervised."
"Well, Roman is with him."
"That's worse!"
"Well, Captain Harry is there."
"That's worse!"
"Well, Vizi is.. you know, never mind."

-Catboy was tied up in the bunker, but then he hears shots upstairs. He manages to break out, only to find some kobolds dead, and Jezzro missing. At that point, Heidi & Sami arrive.
"What are you doing free?"
"Yeah, you need to be captured again to make Anema sick of you!"

-The Catboy sneaks away while Heidi & Sami debate on how to force the catboy back into imprisonment.

-"Get back here catboy, or I'll throw grenades at you!"
"Get back here, Catboy, or I'll have you fixed!"
"the Catboy is cat-hiding."

-Heidi catches the catboy and they throw him back into the bunker and seal it.
"Remember, you never got free."
"Remember, snitches get stitches!"


-"So for us to get to the Crown of Creation, Anema and Fabritzio have to bone, while in love, in the Sun, while we have the sunstaff attached to open the gate to the supernal triad?"

-"We should have Fabritzio cuck the cat right in front of him so that Anema loses all respect for him."
"Hey, I'm right here, you know!"
"Yes, we know."

-By the time the PCs catch up to Fabritzio, he's helped the Kobold Jezzro put together a whole revolutionary brigade!

-Heidi & Sami force the catboy to act like a wimp in front of Anema.

-Seeing that Fabritzio and Anema seem to be doing well, Heidi, Sami and the Catboy decide to leave them alone and go back for the others.

-The Kobold authorities are still not convinced of any real danger. They also don't have any kind of real police force, much less an army. They're thus likewise unwilling to give the PCs any nanite augmentation that they might want to use for violence.
"We will simply send some probes to find Jezzro, disable him, and then take him in for mental alteration to fix his obvious instability."
"Oh, sure, go ahead. I'm sure that plan will work..."
"Good! We shall proceed."
"In addition to violence and humor, they appear to have evolved past sarcasm."

-"All our probes have been destroyed!"
"Oh no, we totally couldn't have predicted that!"
"If only we could help, but we're not strong or fit enough, without nanites..."

-"We do not understand. Why would Anema herself be helping to destroy the culture she was partly responsible for creating?"
"She might be controlled!"
"How could an entity as powerful as Anema be controlled?"
"Seriously, have you guys not spent at least 5 minutes with her?!"
"Yeah, she's not the brightest entity in the bunch..."

-"How do we know you will help us?"
"Trust me, we promise we want Anema and Fabritzio back on the sun more than anyone."
"How will you accomplish this?"
"By Any Means Necessary!"

-"Don't you trust us? We're heroes."
"Yeah, did you hear about the Evil Overlord of the Badlands?"
"You're welcome!"

-"We'll be able to do this, but you'll need to enhance our strength, or speed, or endurance, or whatever..."
"It sounds like you're just using us because you want stuff."
"Yes! Exactly."

-The Kobolds relent, and use their nanite beams to increase Sami, Heidi and the Catboy's strength, Agility and Stamina.
"OK, let's go!"
"Wait... could the kobolds be monitoring us?"
"Why would they?"
"You know if they were concerned that we plan to betray them.. not that we were going to of course!"
"You're talking out of character there, right?"
"Then why are you lying? I'm the GM, I know you're planning to betray them."
"We're not lying to you, we're lying to ourselves."

-The PCs, with their newfound enhancements, just head back to the Sun, leaving Fabritzio and Anema to bond by destroying the entire kobold civilization in a savage uprising undoing thousands of years of social development.
"It was hard, but we did this to save the world."
"You did this to get stuff!"
"Well, yeah, at heart I'm still a hooker."

-Sami is wracked with guilt to learn of the destruction of the entire utopian kobold culture. She goes looking for Mongo and finds him in the (non-hydroponic) garden, with Mexican Jesus.
"Has he behaved himself?"

-Heidi, the Catboy and Roman go looking for the Vegomagus, who has been missing all this time, lost and blinded in the enormous labyrinthine corridors of the Sun.
"Why do we even want to find him?!"
"He has the Sunstaff."
"Oh. Shit."

-After a few hours of searching around, they find the Vegomagus splayed on the ground, unconscious, and badly dehydrated.
"Is he alive?"
"Let me kick him."
"Yeah, he's alive."
"Ok. So should we take the sunstaff and leave him?"

-"It seems to me that the more advanced a civilization is, the more vulnerable it is to be utterly ruined by you PCs."
"Well, no, I mean, Lol is fine."
"How is it fine?! It's much, much worse than it was when you found it, and had an attempted robot extermination and two violent revolutions!"
"Well, I mean, it's still as fine as it could possibly be after encountering us."

-"How did you like the destruction of the Kobold civilization, RJ?"
"Hell, we did what we did to protect democracy, and make kobolds great again!"

-"On the plus side, Anema and Fabritzio seem to have totally rekindled their attraction."
"Yeah, Anema is attracted to Fabritzio's blind brutal spirit of action, compared to the wimpier and less manly nature of certain others..."
"oh shut up!"

-Sami finds the Sun's bar, and has a somewhat disturbing talk with Roman. She can't get him to admit what his real agenda is, but it's glaringly obvious to everyone he has an agenda.

-"Yo, Anema's back!"
"With Fabritzio?"
"Yes. It looks like they were getting it on."
"Quick, drag them into the sunstaff chamber!"

-"So now that we're headed to the Crown of Creation, I should get the demonslayer sword, right Harry?"
"Well, yes, but be careful, Grandpa!"
"What are you worried about?"
"Well, unless grandma was very naughty, if you die fighting Sezrekhan I'll cease to exist."

-"I want to see if Harry vanishes. If not, it means Heidi was being cucked! You know, like me."

-"Hey Republican Jesus, can you bless our weapons?"
"Sure, put them in a pile."
"Sami, are you going to put your Sanctuary spell in the pile?"

-"Wait, before we go, should we try to get allies?"
"Which ones? We've killed almost everyone we know."
"Well... what about Blitzkrieg and Space Bear?"
"They wouldn't really be useful without a skyship."
"What about Max the bard?"
"Come on! Max is living out his dream in the warden's citadel. Let's try to leave ONE person better off for having known us!"

-Everything is set up; Anema and Fabritzio are in place, the sunstaff is active... and then the party gets an ERROR message.
"Oh what the fuck?!"
"Its ok, I can bone Anema like three or four more times still!"

-"What happened?!"
"Apparently there's a safeguard in place. If there's an open gateway from the Qlippothic Realms in the material plane, then the gateway to the Crown of Creation won't open until it's closed."
"Well where the hell is there an open gateway to the Qlippothic realms?!"
"Oh crap... I know where. In the kingdom of the Demon Zozzsz."
"goddamnit. Another freaking side quest!"
"Told you so."

So on that bombshell, we ended the session. Next time, the PCs are going to have to go into a whole kingdom of demons to somehow disable a permanent plane to the infernal underworld. Expect hilarity to ensue.


Currently Smoking: Castello 4k Collection Canadian + McLintock Syrian Latakia

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