DCC Campaign Update: Are You Laquanda?

In our last session, the PCs had gone far back in time to recover the Comfy Slippers on a sidequest. Along the way they'd met BOLT-0, and invited him to contact them in the present.

Now:

-Heidi wakes up to find Vegomagus reduced to a vegetable.
"What happened to him?"
"We went to the past to find some comfy slippers."

-"I guess the Vegomagus needs to rest."
"We'll put him in the 'Tard Room', with Mongo."

-"It'll take like a week until I'm up to full."
"Don't worry, it doesn't matter to me."

-"Hey Republican Jesus, Vegomagus is really fucked up."
"Yeah, I know man, I caught them doing some weird sex thing with some slippers."
"That wasn't what it looked like!"

-Korean Jesus gives the PCs a potion to heal Vegomagus.
"Thank you very much."
"do you go give it to Vegomagus."
"No, I keep it for my own future use."

-Meanwhile, Catboy/Boylord heads over to his girlfriend Anema's room and knocks.
"Who is it?"
"Cat.. um.. Boy.. I'm just not sure anymore. The thief previously known as Catboy."
"Oh, um, I'm a little busy right now..."
"What? Wait, are you alone in there?"
"Um.."
"Wait... oh crap, not Bort! Is he really more pathetic than me?"
"I'm not pathetic am I?"
"Shut up, Bort!"

-"I'm sorry, Catboy. But you've changed since you've become a Halconlord. You're just more confident now."

-"I leave a bowl of water next to the Vegomagus."
"Like he's an animal!"
"The sad thing is right now he's technically the leader of this party."

-Catboy notices a communication signal flashing in the control room.
"Hello?"
"WITH WHOM AM I SPEAKING?"
"Catboy.."
"..."
"...fine, Boylord."
"THIS IS BOLT-O. MAY I SPEAK WITH SOMEONE ELSE?"

-BOLT-0 has a mission for them.
"IF YOU ARE TO SUCCEED IN THE CROWN OF CREATION, THERE IS A 61% CHANCE YOU WILL NEED TO HAVE THE HOLY WAFER."
"So we have to go get it, I guess. Where?"
"IN THE CYBORG GRANDMOTHER'S DEATH FORTRESS."

-Apparently, the Magic Wafer is a holy item, that was once in the care of the Cleric Grenoble, who died from causes related to Bill the Elf. It has amazing curative and protective powers.

-"WARNING! THERE IS A 90% CHANCE YOU HAVE ONE OR MORE TRAITORS AMONG YOU."
"I'd be amazed if it was just one."

-Catboy goes to get Lenny.
"Should we get the rest of the team?"
"Nah, how hard could a Death Fortress be?"
"Wait a minute.. did you just say Death Fortress?"

-BOLT-0 gives them transmat locations that will precisely teleport them into a passing skyship. They beam inside and are confronted by a hot looking 1970s sci-fi black woman with a blaster pistol.
"Hold it, suckers!"
"Whoa.. are you Laquanda??"
"That's racist. A black female human shows up and you just assume she's got to be Laquanda."
"Yeah, I'm Laquanda but you don't know me!"

-The surprise of meeting someone vaguely referenced as connected to the PC group in an alternate timeline where Mu and Sami had been a couple is only trumped by finding out that they're on the Superfly II, piloted by their old friend Blitzkreig Sakomano!
"Blitzkrieg!"
"Hey, it's Sakomano!"
"Oh shit, not these turkeys again!"

-Blitzkrieg and his partners were heading toward the Death Fortress to steal the wafer, which a client was willing to pay $30K credits for.
"We can pay you $20K for it right now"
"Deal, man. I wouldn't have the Superfly if it wasn't for you guys."
"Plus, we'll join you on the mission; which will make it easier. Or harder."

-Lenny tries to heal the Vegomagus.
"Choke, choke, choke!"
"Stop it Boylord!! You know I'm insecure about my unreliable miracles!!"

-"So how do you people know about me again?"
"Two reasons: we heard about you before, from an alternate timeline; and also boylord is a racist."

-"Man, Blitzkrieg. When you described these guys to me they sounded cool, but they're actually lame. Well, except maybe this guy."
"Heidi? He's a pacifist."
"Oh lord!"

-Lenny keeps failing to heal Vegomagus.
"I just can't control my miracles! I'm a bad saint..."
"No, honey, you just have to believe in yourself!"
"My total lack of self-confidence has always been my biggest personal flaw."
"...not eating people?"
"Oh, yeah. Well, that's the other one."
"Wait... what?!"

-"Laquanda would either totally get along with or really hate Sami!"
"Sami missed her chance to finally get a female friend."

-Vegomagus visits the cockpit.
"Space Bear stares at you worriedly."

-"BOLT-0 told us there might be a traitor in our group."
"Just one?"
"Yeah, I said that too. I mean, half our party probably follows daemons."

-"The Catboy might try to fuck us up."
"Nah."
"You didn't see how much he fucked things up when we went to the past."
"Yeah, but that's just him fucking things up in the usual way."

-"I'm a way better mage than I used to be."
"Oh yeah, you sure look like magic has served you real well, Vegomagus..."

-"The traitors will probably help us get to the Crown of Creation but will turn on us there."
"So, kind of like in Civil War?"

-"Laquanda don't you go shooting my friends."
"Your friends are jive-ass motherfuckers."

-"I back away from Laquanda"
"you go to the back near the bathroom. You hear Lenny inside, sobbing."

-"Are you OK, Lenny? Do you want me to rub your ears?"
"What? No!"
"I'm not being sexual or something. It's just a cat thing."

-"I just want to be helpful! But I'm not good at anything."
"Don't worry Larry, you're going to be fine."
"My name's Lenny!!"

-"Vegomagus is going to sleep to heal, down in the cargo bay."
"Hey Vegomagus?"
"Yeah, Blitzkrieg?"
"Don't touch the boxes down there. They have some feral sky-pandas I've been smuggling."

-"The Superfly evades the Death Fortress' defensive laser satellites with maneuvers in a stunning action scene produced by Industrial Light & Magic."
"You're such a descriptive DM."
"Yeah, this campaign has now reached new levels of immersion."

-Lenny spent all night in the bathroom.
"I um.. i had diarrhea. I wasn't crying."

-They break into the Cyborg Grandmother's Death Fortress, and into a hallway full knicknacks clearly bought in the Home Shopping Network.

-"Vegomagus is going to cast Locate Object"
"What's wrong? You look funny."
"He's about to masturbate."

-Suddenly, the party is ambushed by Robot Kick-Ninjas.
"Kick Ninjas? I had those toys when I was a kid!"
"When I was a kid I played with dirt. We were really poor."

-Lenny finally manages a miracle, firing a Blessed bullet at a kick-ninja.
"Wow Lenny, you Constantined that bitch!"

-Unfortunately, the Vegomagus, already in a weakened state, is kicked to death.
"His luck has run out."

-"He looked like death was probably a sweet release."

-"We could use the Holy Wafer to bring him back."
"..nah."

-Vegomagus' player starts to roll up some 0-level characters.
"Roll for your random language."
"I got 'Neutral'."
"Nah, I hate alignment languages, roll again."
"Same roll."
"Well, fuck it then, you speak Neutral."

-"How do you say 'Yes' in Neutral?"
"Maybe."

-Lenny looks down at Vegomagus' corpse.
"It's so sad. I can't even eat him."

-Laquanda has naninte healing-shots, but she's stingy with them.
"I'm still badly wounded."
"You're a saint, Lenny. Can't you heal yourself?"
"That would require believing in myself, which is the hardest thing of all!"

-They all get together for a prayer circle to try to help Lenny.
"Let's hold hand. Now that the Vegomagus is dead we can do that!"

-In spite of all their efforts, Lenny fails to heal.
"I'm useless!!"

-"OK, let's just keep going."
"Wait, what are we going to do about Vegomagus' corpse?"
"We already looted him."
"No, I mean, are we going to bury him?"
"Hmm. Oh, I know, pile some robot corpses on top of him."
"We're burying him with the same thing that killed him!"

-"Vegomagus died doing what he loved: nothing."

-"Vegomagus' epitaph: He died."

-"Vegomagus' epitaph: He was... a wizard?"

-They find a turbolift; as they go down it, the lift plays nursery rhymes.
"This is even more disturbing than The Girl From Ipanema!"

-They get to a door, which catboy manages to unlock. But the moment he opens it a pair of Giant Cyborg Poodles burst out, knocking him down.
"Heidi attacks with a critical, doing battle rage, +6d12 damage!"
"Those furious bulging eyes as he slaughters the poodle sure makes Heidi look like a Pacifist."

-They enter an insane looking dungeon/nursery, with adult prisoners trapped inside what look like giant titanium cribs. Only three are occupied: by an Orange Mutant Trader, a Human Sky-Sailor, and a Human Barbarian Glider.
"We found the Vegomagus' replacements!"
"They don't look promising."

-The party moves on to an old storage room, filled with old granny dresses, piles of old board games and puzzles missing pieces, stacks of decades-old magazines and news papers, and a portrait of a sad clown.
"Anyone find anything useful?"
"I found a box full of expired grocery coupons."
"I found a vinyl record of Burl Ives' Greatest Hits."

-Having thus far been unable to find the treasure vault of the Cyborg Grandmother, the PCs come up with a plan when the three newbies inform them that a trio of robot nannies were coming into their dungeon/nursery once a day to feed them.
"Man this is a fucked up place."

-They plan to ambush the robot nannies, most of them are hiding in the nursery when the nannies arrive, except Heidi who is hiding on the ceiling of the corridor.
"ALERT ALERT CHARGES HAVE ESCAPED THEIR CRIBS!"

-The PCs are fighting the three robot nannies, but want to capture at least one with its robot-brain intact, to hack the location of the vault.
"The orange mutant is hit with the nanny's stun ray. He's knocked down and loses control of his bowels."
"A standard start for a new PC then."

-"I'm going to try to destroy the last nanny without damaging it's head unit. I fail my Deed die, but get a critical on the attack roll."
"OK, according to this you hit it right in the head for extra damage."
"Fuck."

-With all three nannies ruined, they go back to just searching randomly. They find a huge room that they hoped would be the vault, but in fact it's a gigantic wal-mart sized pantry, filled with all kinds of jams, preserves, dried goods, and hard candy.
"Are they just... jams?"
"Yes, and other grandma-style stuff, like hard candies."
"Are all the jams normal?"
"No, there seems to be one shelf of some weird colored or glowing jams."
"So, you could say...space jams?"

-"Wait... are you just basing this dungeon on your grandma's house?"

-After raiding the pantry, including taking most of the weird space jams, they find another door.
"I listen at the door."
"You hear the sound of someone rocking out to Queen."

-They open the door and find a late-20-something in the bedroom of a superannuated teenager.
"Wait, we're in the bottom floor of the Death Fortress, right? Like, the basement?"
"Oh shit, this is her useless grandson."

-Indeed, the person they find is the Cyber Grandmother's grandson, Marty.
"Hey, like, if you're robbing my grandma, I can take you to the Vault. BUT, I get a cut, and you  have to make it look like I had nothing to do with it."
"Oh, you're that kind of grandson. A terrible grandson."
"Hey! It's not like it's my fault! The old hag hardly even gives me an allowance. I can't earn my own money because I took a degree in communication. It's worthless!"
"Why the hell did you study communication?!"
"Me Barbarian and even me know that stupid!"


-"What can you tell us about these jams?"
"They're grandma's experimental jams."
"So, like the grandma version of experimental jazz?"

-"Ignore the barbarian. He's Level 0, he doesn't count for anything."

-"The vault is guarded by a Cyborg Eye-Tyrant!"

-They surprise-attack the Cyborg Eye-Tyrant. Heidi misses, but Boylord hits, and they take it out before it can use any of its death-rays.  Then Boylord disables the security systems and cracks the complex lock of the vault.
"He's actually useful!"
"Wow, hey, I'm actually a Thief, pulling off a heist!"

-They get inside, and the vault is full of treasure! Unfortunately, it's also full of Cyborg-Mummy.
"Hey, that's grandpa! And Grandma's three other dead husbands!"

-"Our guns can't hurt it! We need someone with some kind of divine power!"
"You're a saint, Lenny!"

-Half the party is frozen in fear at the sight of the mummies.
"Am I frozen in fear?"
"No, you have a bonus because you're a Halconlord."
"Can I pretend I'm frozen in fear?"

-"I'm doing really good today."
"With Vegomagus dead, Boylord is our new leader!"

-"Pray harder, Lenny! Smite them!"
"I'm trying my best!!"
"Stop crying, you baby!"

-"You didn't give me a gun!"
"I'd rather Laquanda have it! She's already killed one of these things."

-"I shot the shortest, baldest mummy!"
"You didn't kill it."

-They finally kill the mummies, and loot the treasure room. But the Holy Wafer isn't there!
"Hey, I know! Maybe the Wafer was inside us all along!"
"Again, me barbarian and even me think that stupid!"

-"Wait, you guys are looking for the wafer? It ain't here man."
"Well where is it, Marty?"
"It's in Grandma. It's what's keeping her alive!"
"How come?"
"It's really powerful, and she's really really old."

-Being down on health and resources, but laden with treasure, they decide to get back to the Superfly, and then try to get back into the Fortress to face the Cyborg Grandma. Lenny actually manages to finally pull off a major miracle, and teleports the whole crew and all the massive amounts of treasure onto the ship.
"Well, you were finally useful when it really counted!"


That's it for today. Stay tuned next time to see if the PCs will be able to face the deadly Cyber-Grandma!


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