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Wednesday 22 August 2018

DCC Campaign Update: Sami's Heart Still Belongs to Space Bear

In our last session the PCs had entered the Death Fortress of the Cyber-Grandma, and had gotten away with their lives and the contents of her vast treasury. But they failed to get the Holy Wafer, which they supposedly need to even the odds with whatever awaits them in the Crown of Creation.


-"Animal summoning is like the really shitty animal-cruelty version of Holy Sanctuary!"

-Blitzkrieg pilots the team through the Cyborg-Grandma's explosive drones, which look like painted birds.

-"We have too many people on this goddamn ship."
"No, I think it's fine. Please?"
"They don't mean you, Lenny."

-"Does the Death Fortress have a self-destruct?"
"Why the hell would it have that? Do you also think it has a tiny exhaust port that would blow up the whole base if you fired a missile into?"

-"Marty, what kind of defenses can we expect when we go for your grandma?"
"Well, there's supposed to be a one-headed dragon.."
"What the hell does that mean? Why would it be called a one-headed dragon?!"
"Maybe the name is meant to give you a false sense of security, and it has several heads?"
"I don't see how that makes a difference."
"If you had to fight a 9-headed dragon, you'd know the difference."

-"You're probably just going waste all your share when you get to Fuck Station Aleph, Marty."
"No! I'm going to invest my money!"
"On what, gambling?"
"Hey, I'll have you know I'm a boss at online Sabacc."

-"Lenny what's taking you so long?"
"Nothing.. it's fine."
"I'm going down there..."
"NO! Just.. wait a second..."

-Lenny slaughtered the orange mutant trader and tried to cover the dismembered corpse with a tarp when the PCs went down to check it out.
"Oh Lenny."

-Meanwhile, on the sun, Sami has been drinking heavily the last couple of days. Roman wanders into the bar and wakes her. He's wearing the Comfy Slippers.

-Lenny contacts Sami.
"Where are you guys?!"
"We're on a ship with a guy named Blitzkrieg."
"Wait.. is space bear there?"
"Did he say anything about me?"

-Sami says goodbye to Mongo, who she leaves in Korean Jesus' office.
"What? No. You can not leave him here! Korean Jesus has too much work!"
"Sorry, I don't speak Korean."
"I am speaking common!"

-"Hey Republican Jesus, do you know where Captain Harry is?"
"No ma'am. I don't really hang out much with him. But not because he's gay or nothing. I ain't got anything against that, more women for the rest of us!"
"Yeah, you're really progressive."
"Hey, Vizi's a queer and he's my friend!"

-"I'm trying to teleport to Larry."
"Sorry, Lenny!"
"The catboy is influencing you."

-Lenny manages to use his saint-power to summon up a large cooking pot, which he plans to use to cook a stew out of the orange mutant's remains.

-Sami teleports onto the Superfly II, and meets Laquanda.
"So how do you feel about matchmakers?"
"Oh I'm a great matchmaker! You need a man, girl?"
"I don't think we'll get along."

-Sami uses some of the cash from the Cyborg-Grandmother's vault to free Catboy from the effects of the Ribond.
"I have to tell you guys, Roman is totally working with the Ribond! That means he must be King Halconlord!"
"I don't think that's right."
"No, it is, because there's a Duke Halcon but a King is better than a Duke!"

-"I'm glad to have you back, catboy!"
"Yeah, I don't dislike you."

-"So I think Roman, Lady Halcon, and Harry are the traitors that BOLT-0 warned us about."
"I propose that we play dumb for now, and then when we've beaten Sezrekhan, I will break my Pacifist vow for just one time and kill them all."
"Just one time? That's so sweet."

-"We'll use the Wafer to bring back the Hippomagus!"
"But what if he's also a traitor?"
"Come on, he's not."
"No, he's not. But we should accuse him of being one when we bring him back, just to fuck with him."

-Sami identifies a shitload of potions, plus the jams and other items. One of the jams is a jam of mutation, another is a jam of diarrhea.
"The catboy gets that last one."

-"This is a potion of levitation."
"That's like a potion of flying's retarded brother."

-Sami tastes Lenny's cannibal soup.
"Just the broth.. it smells delightful."
"You sure you don't want to try a testicle?"

-"Its the tastiest part; honestly, I don't know if I could keep my promise not to eat Vizi's junk when he dies."
"At that point, I don't think he'll really care."

-After a rest, the Barbarian levels up into a Barbarian Wizard.
"I'm trying to pick up Sami."
"The Barbarian Wizard isn't hair enough to interest me."
"Sami's heart still belongs to Space Bear."

-"What does the wafer do, exactly?"
"You weren't here, but the other PCs were given very clear instructions from BOLT-0. They've either forgotten them, or are choosing not to share them. The point is, it's not my problem as GM."
"Fuck, you guys need constant supervision!"

-"Wait, is he Boylord still?"
"No, now that he's not a halconlord, he's just Catboy again."
"Well that was a mistake, wasn't it?"

-"So do we think that Captain Harry is also a Halconlord?"
"Captain Harry has the same kind of aura as the Halconlords."
"I told you  he's a Halconlord! He's a captain, and the Halconlords have Captains!"
"Yeah, and his name starts with an H!"
"You guys are idiots."

-Instead of taking them to Fuck Station Aleph like they'd promised, the team stuffs Marty and the sky-sailor into an escape pod and dumps them on an isolated flying island.

-The team sneaks back onto the Death Fortress, with its hallways full of grandma-style knicknacks.

-"I tried to cast Force Manipulation, but I failed."
"Congratulations, you blew your first spell!"

-The Barbarian Wizard loses Enlarge too.
"You're down to just Ekim's Mystical Mask."
"And comprehend languages!"
"You've already made yourself useless as the wizard."

-They run into a group of Robot Power-Walkers.
"Catboy shoots one."
"It would be funny if Catboy sucks again, now that he's not a Halcon Lord."
"Natural 1."
"Told you so!"
"Sami made a huge mistake."

-Laquanda gets shot with a critical and breaks a rib.
"Oh Black Jesus help me!"
"He's dead."
"Yeah, and Lenny ate him."

-Heidi destroys the robots, and Sami heals Laquanda and Blitzkrieg, who were both injured.
"Aright! Now we've got some miracles happening!"
"You're useless, Lenny."
-Two robots guard two doors.
"Hmm, OK, let's think abou this..."
"Laquanda shoots one dead with her ion gun."
"What?! No!"
"Hey robot, did I just kill this motherfucker?"
"This one's the liar!"

-"You know I have Detect Evil, right?"
"Now how was I supposed to know that?"

-"One more question, robot: is the cyborg-grandma an asshole?"
"A second after the robot answers, it spontaneously self-destructs."
"Was that really necessary, cyborg-grandma?"

-The party gets to a room with a game of Death-Bingo. The robot bingo-master explains.
"Barbarian wizard not like these odds!"
"Fuck it, I shoot the robot."
"Now what? There's no exit!"
"G.O.D., please teleport us further along to the Cyborg-Grandma!"
"You are teleported into a large bathroom with a gigantic medicine cabinet full of old-person pills."

-They get to a door.
"The dragon is probably past this door."
"Let's just empty a magazine into it."

-They encounter the One-headed Dragon! It has two necks; at the end of one of them is a head, at the end of the other is a giant foot.
"Ohh, so that's why they call it that!"

-"It's a cyborg dragon."
"Aren't they extinct?"
"No, they never existed in the first place."
"No, those are Cyber-Dragons. This is a Cyborg Dragon. Totally different."

-The dragon fries the catboy with its electric breath weapon.

-"Heidi throws a grenade at the dragon!"
"You fumble and the grenade lands 1 foot away from you. Make a reflex save."
"Natural one."
"You throw yourself onto the grenade."

-The one-headed dragon breathes lightning again, this time dropping Sami and Laquanda.
"The Barbarian Wizard runs away!!"

-Lenny resorts to prayer.
"Smite this fucking dragon!!"
"Natural 20. Lenny immolates the dragon."
"You are powerful. Let me tell you of barbarian ways."
"Shut up Barbarian, you're useless."

-"Laquanda's alive. So are all the PCs."

-"Your barbarian did nothing."
"You're a worse wizard than I am a saint, plus you ran away so you're a shitty barbarian!"

-"When I REALLY need it, prayer works! First the cooking pot and now this!"

-They reach the command center and quilting room of the Death Fortress. It's occupied by a number of old cyborg ladies, and the Cyborg-Grandma, who is a badass cyborg.
"Hey, are those Guardian Robots on that screen there?"
"Yeah. Oh shit, they're attacking the Death Fortress too!"
"It must be BOLT-1, wanting the wafer!"

-"I will self destruct if you all attack me, dearies."
"So she does have a self-destruct!"
"Ha! Everyone thought Chad was dumb but now everyone else is dumb, and Chad am also dumb!"

-"However, I am a warrior Granny, so if one of you faces me in single combat, you can have the wafer if you defeat me."
"Ok, go ahead Chad."

-After some joking, Heidi is chosen as the obvious candidate to fight the Cyborg-Grandma, but first Chad the Barbarian Wizard casts Enlarge on him to grow him to triple his normal size!

-"Any last words before we fight, warrior?"
"Oh, yeah one more thing: your grandson Marty helped us!"

-The Star Trek fight music starts up as Cyborg-Granny lunges at heidi with a battle gauntlet and a vibro-blade.

-"Isn't Heidi a pacifist?"
"This is a robot."
"No she isn't!"
"Let's not remind him."

-After a moderately tough fight, Heidi manages to defeat the Cyborg-Granny, and gets the Magic Wafer. But the Guardian Robots are coming, so Sami teleports them all back to the Superfly II.
"Heidi is still giant sized! He's currently crushing all of you under him."
"Shit. I pray to reduce his size."

-"We did it! Now let's go to Fuck Station Aleph!"

-"Granny's mistake was giving Heidi time to buff."
"Yeah, she spoiled him... like a granny."

That's everything for this session. Will the PCs continue to fuck around while the fate of the world is at stake? Or will they actually go back to the main quest? Stay tuned to find out!


Currently Smoking: Castello 4k collection canadian + Peterson's Wild Atlantic


  1. that last pic is bullshit. I've been following along and there have been no signs of this campaign being 'carefully crafted'.
    This is the platonic ideal of an "I have a rough idea, let's see what bullshit the PCs can get into" campaign.

    still a riot to read tho.