The new and improved defender of RPGs!

Thursday, 19 February 2015

DCC Campaign Update: "Kill Bill (the Elf)!"

DCC Campaign Update: "Kill Bill (the Elf)!", or "Treason, Betrayal, and Latinamerican In-Jokes"

In this week's regrettable adventure of double-crosses and betrayals, the PCs:

-Continued to express serious doubts as to whether there was any truth to the idea that just because Marvin the Cleric was "the chosen one" it would in any way mean that he'd get any special protections from G.O.D.

-discovered that at least one chaos cult had ended up kidnapping the wrong cleric, making mistaken assumptions about who the "chosen one" was.

-had the clerics wondering exactly what universe some of the other player characters lived in, where they could assume that G.O.D. was even marginally competent at anything.

-got suckered by a pit trap/ambush by the "Mouth Clan" of berserker hooligans (ultraviolent barbarians notable for their blue and yellow shirts) in the downtown areas of the ruins of Port Goodwind.

-witnessed the unlikely scenario of Bill the Elf getting three corruptions in a single round of combat!

-noted that when accused of being an idiot, Bill the Elf's response was "didn't you know that already?"

-are only saved from the Mouth Clan ambush by the astounding fighting skills of Sandi the Bikini-Chainmail Barbarian, some very strategic use of the Sequester spell, by Dr.Theobald leading several enraged Mouth hooligans into a trap by impersonating a Bolivian, and by the shocking discovery that Jaluddin the Rogue was in fact with the party all along, but is just really good at Not Being Seen.

-decide that the Mouth Clan hooligans having been momentarily dealt with, but the party being extremely wounded, they decide that the best option would be to hide out for the night in the ruins of a fin-de-siecle Cafe.

-discovered that was not a great idea, and that the 'cafe tortono' is really not what it used to be, as the reason there was no sign of Mouth Clan Hooligans around was because of the giant Cafe Ooze that was using the ruins as its lair.  The place still has tourist value, but there's no longer any good coffee to be found there, and the cost of going in is too great.

-choose to run for it, figuring that they're far too wounded to be able to take down a Cafe Ooze.

-discover a series of graffiti wall-scrawlings that appear to explain this bizarre place, with the blood-stained palace and the broken obelisk with a Mouth drawn on it, and the overabundance of fake tango bars: apparently it was once a moderately nice civilization, until the locals began to deify a mad general and his dilettante wife, leading to a mythos-worthy orgy of political, economic, and social self-destruction until nothing was left but a pile of rubble inhabited by delusional madmen still trying to pretend they are a great nation.

-curiously end up finding refuge in a semi-ruined church.

-find said church occupied by the decidedly fake cleric-shyster Reverendo Oswaldo Hijo de Puta (or as his congregants call him, "el reverendo hijo de puta"), and his congregation of mostly gullible old women.

-accept the opportunity to stay overnight at the church for a 'donation', but unsurprisingly aren't interested in purchasing the good Reverend's holy anointing oil, sin-cleansing soaps, or miracle shrouds.  Even in spite of him offering a very favorable exchange rate for the Goodwind Peso from the "gold piece blue" rate.

-remain largely unaware that two of their own party have designs to betray the group and prevent G.O.D. from rebooting from an earlier version; but so far Bill the Elf has been unable to steal the Sacred USB from Marvin the Cleric (being under the suspicious eye of Sandi the Bikini-Chainmail Barbarian Warrior, who's clearly shown herself to be badass enough to potentially kick the shit out of Bill); while meanwhile Rickandra has to deal with a demon-patron that's just not made for these sorts of intrigues, as the Lord of All Flesh's best idea thus far is to have Rickandra draw up a magic circle that would conjure up one of the Lord of All Flesh's Infinite Sphincters as a means to spirit the USB away from G.O.D.'s reach forever.

-Find that the Lord of All Flesh does have at least some use, however, when Rickandra is able to cause a spontaneous orgy among the Reverend and his congregants, as a means to make sure none of them will be able to betray or rob the party as they rest up for the night.

-are surprised to discover the next morning that the Reverend has spinned this church-profaning debauchery as a "miracle"; "of course it's a miracle!", he says, "it would have to be for anyone to want to sleep with most of my congregants!"

-decide, as a party, to get out of Goodwind as quickly as possible, as (much to Bill the Elf's chagrin) they can't even wreck this civilization, since its inhabitants have already done a sterling job of that themselves.

-take advantage of the Rev. Hijo de Puta's offer to have his cousin (Ernesto Hijo de Puta) get them out of town in his Peruvian-drawn cart, for only 30000 pesos (or 12 gp, with the "blue" exchange rate) apiece.

-discover, in spite of Bill's best efforts, that Bill the Elf also plans to take advantage of the situation, bribing Ernesto and conspiring with him to have the Mouth Clan Hooligans ambush them and kill Marvin.

-don't realize, however, that Bill has also overheard Dr. Theobald exposing his planned betrayal.

-have concluded that trying to figure out where Jaluddin the Rogue is hiding is a bit like playing "where's waldo".

-see the shit completely hit the fan, as the Clerics and Bill race to take each other out first.

-watch Bill make a completely ineffectual 'first strike', managing only to light one of the Peruvians on fire.

-are all pretty surprised when it turns out the Clerics win, and G.O.D. actually comes through, incinerating Bill the Elf with a truly serious Lightning Bolt of Divine Wrath.

-proceed to loot the life's work of Bill's countless misdeeds.

-don't know that Bill the Elf had a phylactery, in Sezrekan's possession, and the restoration of G.O.D.'s authority is the one circumstance which would make Sezrekan not hesitate to revive Bill, rather than forget about him.  Thus, Bill the Elf's mind, soul and power come to reside in the body of Valerius the Human. (technically, this makes him a Human-race/Elf-class character!).

-learn that "Valerius the human", before he was lost to the phylactery, was a rogue known as "valerius the crafty", though he clearly wasn't crafty enough not to fall into Sezrekan's trap, or to convince Sezrekan that he'd be of more use than Bill the Elf.

-suspect that Sezrekan might very quickly have come to regret that strategic choice, as Bill the Elf almost immediately blows the elements of surprise and subterfuge in pursuit of quick revenge; putting the entire party on paranoid high-alert, and then proceeds to murder Rickandra, the only member of the group that shared his goals of stopping the cleric, leaving himself without potential allies.

-are jaw-droppingly shocked to find G.O.D. save the clerics a second time, by teleporting the whole party to safety!

-see Marvin the Cleric start to believe that maybe G.O.D. really is protecting him, as his Chosen One.

-unanimously agree that this means Marvin will probably die very soon.

-note that Valerius the Human (formerly Bill the Elf) failed to effectively play 'where's waldo' with Jaluddin, at the cost of taking a dagger in the lungs, and getting captured.

-finally get to the end of the Pampas of Destruction, in the border of the Vast Southern Jungle.

-get to the moment where it hits them that with Bill the Elf "dead", and without his Planar Step to rely on, they might never be able to get back to Ice Dome Zero.

-also discover that, although Dr. Theobald's Ape Kingdoms are kind of close-by, it might not be the way to go, as Dr. Theobald admits that to his embarrassment (as one would expect from an evolved ape society) they keep humans as slaves.

-decide to keep Valerius (who they have not been able to decisively figure out is in fact Bill, but all agree he's clearly highly suspicious) bound as a prisoner as they enter the jungle.

-quickly discover, and try to make a deal with, a group of suit-wearing Green Mutants with suspicious behaviour.  They seem to know where the "Church of St.Ignatius of File Not Found" is located, and so the party hand themselves over in the hopes of bribing their "jefe" in exchange for being led there.

-overhear the Green Mutants acting quite concerned about the PCs' interest in the Church, and wondering if the PCs aren't actually part of "el DEA", whatever that is.

-Slowly start to figure out that they've stumbled upon a secret base of some kind of drug dealers, who may in fact be using the old Church of St. Ignatius as their warehouse.

-Are led to the palatial jungle mansion/hideout of 'el Jefe', who turns out to be none other than "Slothy" Rodriguez, the Uzi-wielding Vicious Sloth Drug Lord they'd been warned about in the last session! Or as the players immediately dubbed him: "Slothface".

There ended the session.  It wasn't entirely satisfying; Bill the Elf got what he deserved, and because of his Phylactery was able to survive (albeit with shittier physical stats and having lost most of his impressive amounts of stuff), while Rickandra died a permanent death at Bill's hands that the player could do nothing at all to prevent.  Rickandra's player felt it was quite unfair, and it was.  It was in-character for Bill the Elf to do it, but it was still a deeply shitty and frustrating way for him to go, and I felt quite unsatisfied with how it all went down, and thinking I could have or should have made some other sort of call as a GM there.

Now Rickandra's player has come in with a new level-1 graduate, a Purple Mutant Cyclops Thief, which I hope he'll come to like as much as Rick/Rickandra.  Meanwhile, Sezrekan's patience with Bill the Elf will only go so far.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Poker + H&H's Beverwyck


  1. Long this game write up. Do you use the weird dice?

  2. Long this game write up. Do you use the weird dice?

  3. I must admit there is a strange sad feeling bittersweet taste left in Bill's idiot's mind on how shit went down in this adventure.

    Still, all apes will die

    1. "I hate every ape I see..."

      we'll see how this all pans out.