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Saturday 10 November 2018

DCC Campaign: I Grab my Potato and Run!

Last time, the PCs had defeated the rulers of the Libertarian-Misogynist Free City of Mra, and thus became their new rulers. In the process they'd allowed the hostages of the Duke of Abstinence (and the killer Bot who was guarding them) to slip out of the city and their grasp.


-One of the players tries to explain the Last Sun campaign to our new player:
"It's like a cross between Adventure Time and Rick & Morty."
"So it's like, really intellectual and sophisticated."
"He says that because people who watch Rick & Morty think they're really smart."
"You don't need to explain that to us, we have high IQs."
"The history of this entire campaign proves otherwise."

-The party has Lenny teleport Sami over to Mra, just as she was finally getting to the point of having a heart to heart talk with Queen Zoey, who she was desperate to have as her first true female friend:
"You know, Sami, at first I wasn't sure about you but now, I really consider you a--"
"What? Where am I? Consider me a what?! Noo!"

-"What the hell?!"
"We missed you!"

-"Why did you bring me here?!"
"Well, we lost the hostages."
"And we accidentally took over the city."

-"One of you is going to explain what happened here!"
"I say it's Lenny's time to share.."

-"You know I could find the Duke in a second, but I won't."
"Why not?"
"Because fuck you guys."
"But don't you want to help Queen Zoey, Sami?"
"Ohh, wait, it's because if we stop the Duke we have no reason to stay here and Sami wants to stay with her new friend!"
"Don't ruin this for me!!"

-"Bill the Elf is famous as having caused destruction and misery as an agent of chaos throughout the world."
"What? It's true!"
"Yeah.. but you forgot genocide! I did at least two of those!"

-"Zeke, we appoint you the Deacon of the City of Mra. Go forth and convert these heathens!"
"Amen, my friends. I shall surely try to save their souls!"
"I hope he gets killed."
"He won't. He's got ridiculously stupid Luck."

-"Lenny, you could stay here in Mra too!"
"Why? I don't want to! Did I do something wrong?"
"Then why are you punishing me?"
"OK, OK, you can come with us!"

-"I'm done with leading you guys!"
"I thought Heidi was our leader?"
"Since when?!"
"Since that time you demoted me, Sami."
"I thought it was the Vegomagus."

-"Everyone leave, except you, yes-man."
"Oh, thank you so much your magnificences! It is Wormtoung's greatest pleasure to serve you!"

-"Wait, did we just spontaneously invent a named NPC?"
"I think so."
"Wouldn't be the first time; that's how Lenny happened."

-"Ted the Posh Elf is either in the normal tower or the masturbation room."
"Good. Then when we leave he will stay here in charge."
"You know they're going to murder him almost as soon as we leave, right?"
"I don't care."

-"We need some bodies to hide behind."
"Ah, you need cannon fodder, my magnificent lord!"
"Exactly, Wormtoung!"
"Then they shall be brought to you, your powerfulness! Guards, seek out and bring us three nobodies!"

-The guards return with an Elven Yoga Instructor, a Dwarven Hoarder (with tons of starting junk), and a Pink Mutant Water Salesman (because water is not free in Mra).

-"Congratulations, scum! You are now Indentured Servants in our Free Market System!"
"you know, I think Mra isn't actually all that libertarian..."

-"Lenny is sizing up the newbies."
"Hey Wormtoung, please give these newbies ALL the food they want, especially rich fatty foods!"

-"Please stop hitting us!"
"The beatings will continue until morale improves!"

-Wormtoung gives Bill an enemies list.
"My wily Lord, this is a list of all the people in Mra who wish my.. I mean YOUR destruction! Shall I have them executed?"
"Of course."
"My Lord is wise and prudent!"

-That night, in spite of a now-paranoid bill locking all his doors and windows, he's awoken by one of Jal'udin's assassins.
"Jal'udin wishes for you to go to the Plane of Fire. You must save the Queen of Fire from being assassinated by agents that have been sent there by the Lord of Blood and Fire."
"Sure. Did you bring my backpack?"

-The next day, Bill tells his crew.
"Wait, Bill, are we going to the Realm of Blood and Fire, or the Realm of Fire?"
"It's called the Realm of Blood and Fire."
"Are you sure?"
"Narrator: He wasn't sure."

-"We're going to need something to make us immune to fire."
"Any ideas? Anyone?"
"Zeke, what about you, do you know any artifacts that would do it?"
"Well, there is the Oil of Shadrach. Coating yourself in it makes you immune to even the strongest of flames!"
"Great! Where is it!"
"I don't know exactly, somewhere on the Southern Continent, I believe."
"You're useless, Zeke."

-"We should go get some fire-proof stuff on Fuck Station Aleph."
"Yeah, and while we're there, we can see the Posh Elf's skyship, and not bring it back to him!"
"That would be fucking hilarious."

-"What are the newb's names?"
"The Elf is named Xavier."
"OK, we'll call them Xavier the Elf, Hoardy the Dwarf, and Wimpy."

-"I trust that in your absence, my great lords, the Posh Elf will be able to hold on to your grip on power?"
"...and let's say he can't. What then?"
"Well, you'd always be able to challenge whoever murders him."
"Oh, OK, fine then."

-"So most of the people on that enemies list you showed me were killed resisting arrest?"
"Unfortunately yes, o merciful one."
"But you brought a couple alive?"
"Yes, a couple of minor dignitaries of the city. Of course, they will deny everything, but you must  not believe them."
"I think I'll have them executed in the stadium."
"Magnificent idea, o clever and not-at-all-gullible Majesty!"

-"Why does Mra have a stadium?"
"For the death-duels to determine who gets to be king."
"Yeah, the executions are just extra, like a children's matinee!"

-Finally, the party decides they're going to go see Anthraz the elderly warrior, who they hope will have rings of fire resistance for them.
"Bill fails his planar step, gets corruption, and becomes morbidly obese."

-Fat Bill now tries to recast Planar Step, but the range isn't far enough.
"Hold on, I'll try again."
"Holy crap, he's turning into the Hippomagus!"
"The fatness is the first step!"

-This time it works! They end up teleporting right into the throne room of the ruined castle where Anthraz lives; the old man is sitting on his throne on top of a dragon-sized pile of treasure. As soon as they appear he's up and is ready to attack!
"Wait, Anthraz, it's us!"
"I don't know you!"
"It's Bill the elf!"
"What happened to you boy? You really let yourself go!"

-"Is he going to attack us still?"
"Doesn't look like it."
"The Pink Mutant Water-salesman peed himself."

-"Did you know the Archemaster?"
"Yeah, I knew him. But back then he was a geeky wizard named Timoteus."
"And the Cyborg-Grandmother?"
"Eh? No... wait, did you mean the Cyborg Milf? Man, she was a real looker back in the day!"

-"Now why should I just give you stuff? You kids these days are just trying to get all your stuff for free. It's why the whole world is going to pot these days, you damn millennials don't know the value of hard work!"
"But we're trying to stop the Lord of Blood and Fire!"
"Wait, is the Lord of Blood and Fire trying to come here?"
"Goddamn it! We can't have that. Those demons of Blood and Fire will try to steal our jobs!"

-"So you'll stop the immigrants from the realm of Blood and Fire?"
"And you'll bring back my rings when you're done with them?"
"And you'll sort out all my pills?"
"Yes. The Catboy will do that."

-Catboy goes into Anthraz's medicine closet.
"Holy crap! It's the size of a freaking pharmacy!"

-"Wait, so killing a Daemon is a side quest for us now?"
"This is how you know you're high level in DCC."

-"What the heck are you, anyways?"
"A catperson."
"Oh sure, we have to call them 'persons' now!"
"Anthraz has been watching a lot of Fox News."

-"Could I get a magic dagger off you, Anthraz?"
"Well, you did sort out my pills really well. I'll tell you what, Catboy, clean out my gutters and I'll give you one of my daggers."

-"I have to say, I was wrong about you kids. You're a really accomplished party for your age. You've hunted the Vegans to extinction!"

-"I see you have the Daemon Killer Sword. I remember we once put it in a dungeon somewhere."
"Yeah, we got it from there."
"You know, I don't think this youngster has the willpower to resist it's influence."

-"Here's a little test: Heidi, if you could kill a Daemon or save your own mother, which would you do?"
" my mother a Daemon?"

-"Heidi used to be a pacifist, but he changed."
"Yeah, I've become a moderate."

-"Catboy, you did a good job cleaning those gutters. Here's a dagger."
"Is it a good dagger?"
"It's a +1 dagger but it also does something else that I don't remember."
"Oh. Well, it'll be interesting to find out!"

-"here's 9 rings. Take care of them!"
"Don't worry, we'll soon bring back the 3 rings you just gave us."
"OK, be careful!"
"Jeez.. taking advantage of an old man like that..."

-The party plans to teleport to the temple complex of the Lord of Blood and Fire in the tangled woods, where Bill had previously been.
"Was this the place where Morris once killed most of the party?"

-G.O.D. only teleports half the party!
"Hang on, I'll try again!"

-There are shadow-undead victims of the Lord of Blood and Fire in the upper areas of the temple. The fight isn't hard but Heidi fumbles and drops his daemon-killing sword into the 200' pit leading to the caverns below.

-"Whoever finds the sword, remember it can control you, be careful!"
"That's not true!"
"It made you kill those guys at Mra."
"No, the sword made me knock them out and then banish them."
"Heidi is justifying his pacifism."
"No, he's creating his own delusion!"

-When the party gets down into the pit, they find themselves surrounded by these blood-blob humanoids.

-"G.O.D. please smite these gelatinous things!"
"Nothing happens."
"You're useless, Lenny."

-Heidi attacks one, fumbles, and falls down.
"Man, Heidi is not making a good impression on the newbies."

-"I'm going to cast Scare on them."
"OK, Bill."
"I got a natural 20."
"Most of them literally explode from fear."

-Heidi and Sami both spot the Daemon-killing sword.
"Heidi no!"
"Roll initiative."
"Heidi wins."
"Damn, so close."

-"Heidi is a psychopath again, now that he has the sword."
"I'm a psychopath without the sword."
"You're really more of a sociopath, Catboy."

-"We still have to stop the Duke."
"Yeah, I like Coolland."
"I like one person in Coolland."
"Let me guess, Sami... Palombo?"
"I like Blingbae."
"You are Blingbae, Heidi."
"I know."

-As the party proceeds through the cavern, they get surprise-attacked by Giant Beetles.
"Lenny gets badly caught in their pincers."

-"Newbies, save Lenny!"
"Yeah, we don't care what happens to you!"
"If you die saving Lenny, it's a sacrifice we're willing to make!"

-They defeat the beetles.
"I'm really hurt, Sami!"
"I give up my resist fire spell to heal Lenny."
"gee thanks, Sami! Hey, now that I think about it I could have healed myself."
"Damn it, Lenny."

-There's another entrance beside the one Bill knows leads to the gate to the Plane of Blood & Fire.
"Catboy goes in there."
"There's nothing there."
"I'm still going to check it out."
"You open the door carefully, go inside searching, find a chest. The chest is empty, it was looted last time Bill's party was here."
"There was nothing there guys."
"Once again, Catboy wasted ten minutes of our lives."

-They step into the room containing an archway to the Plane of Blood & Fire.
"Heidi flies right through the gate."
"Hey, it worked."
"Either that, or Heidi was just instantly disintegrated."

-As the Elf and Dwarf head into the room the Dwarf disturbs as magical sigil on the floor, summoning a major Demon of Blood And Fire that looks like a kind of Skeletal Blood-Drenched Tricera-Wasp.
"Oh shit."
"The elf is slowly backing away from the room."

-While the party is fighting the Tricerawasp, an assassin-agent of Jal'udin shows up out of nowhere.
"Bill the Elf! What are you doing?!"
"Oh hey, do you have my backpack?"

-Heidi, meanwhile has ended up in a cave on another plane.
"It's a large cave with multiple exits aside from the Gate."
"Oh, Ok."
"There's also 4 obvious demons of Blood and Fire here, rushing toward you."
"Oh shit!"

-"You idiot, Jal'udin wanted you to go to the Realm of Fire to save the Queen of Fire, not to go to the Realm of Blood and Fire!"
"No, but we were supposed to go kill the Lord of Blood and Fire..."
"NO! You absolutely were not supposed to do that!"
"Well, I think we're probably going to do this anyways."

-"The 4 Archdemons are attacking Heidi."
"Wait, did you say Archdemons??"
"They bite you three times and you don't feel well at all."

-"Cleric, though the demon can't hurt you, he can hurt me because I fired on him to try to save the newbies."
"That sounds like a Zeke problem to me."

-Meanwhile, in the plane of Blood & Fire, Heidi collapses from blood poisoning, possibly dead.

-"No, listen to me you idiot, you have to save the Queen of Fire. That is your mission!"
"I think you should explain this to me."
"Yeah, tell Sami this stuff. From now on she's my intermediary."

-"I cast magic missile."
"No! Don't leave me alone with these people!"
"I cast it."

-The Tricerawasp is defeated, and the party goes after Heidi.
"OK, Zeke you go through the portal first, then the newbies. The catboy, Lenny and me last."
"You're doing this in the order of people you dislike."

-There's a big fight with the Archdemons; the elf drops. 
"Everyone fall back! I'll save Heidi."
"I'll save the elf!"
"Why would you do that Zeke?"
"I just thought we were saving people?"

-"The Archdemon tries to hit Sami, but the power of Ackbasha's sanctuary stops him."
"Good old Ack'basha."

-"Is Sami higher level than Ack'basha?"
"Soon Sami will be, and then Bill will probably be responsible for her death."

-Zeke collapses from blood poisoning. But then he recovers.
"It's alright my friends. By the miracle of G.O.D.'s grace, the poison did not kill me."
"Son of a bitch."

-When Catboy stabs a demon with the dagger Anthraz gave him, a baked potato (wrapped in foil and everything) pops into existence out of nowhere.
"What the hell?"
"I guess that's its special power."

-"So you realize whenever Anthraz wanted a potato, he'd just stab someone, right?"
"Well, if it works with any living thing, he could have just stabbed a racoon."
"Yes! Roadkill and potato, that's good eating!"

-"You hear more demons approaching."

-"Catboy, what are you doing?"
"I grab my potato and run! I never thought I'd say that in a game."
"Mission accomplished."

-"So is this potato I got when I stabbed the demon of Blood & Fire all bloody? Or Firey?"
"Neither. It looks like a normal potato. It's even buttered."
"Awesome. That is the greatest discovery of the day!"

-Lenny is holding the line having invoked his Saint Power to keep the demons at bay. When everyone is through, he jumps backward through the gate, falling flat on his back.
"Why did you do that?"
"I thought it would look cooler than it did."

-Heidi managed to survive. The Dwarf and Pink Mutant are dead.
"Well, the Elf is leveling up!"
"We're now an elf-heavy party."

-"Aw man, after all this the Lord of Blood and Fire is sure going to send another fire vampire after me."

-"Hey, wasn't Pertinax bonded to the Lord of Blood and Fire?"
"Yeah. He went off with Sandy."
"We should check on them."
"A mentally broken archwizard and a pregnant psychotic murderer. What could be going wrong with those two?"

With that, the PCs initially decided to camp out right in the caves, but then thought better of it, and took off through an underground river, until they came out in the forest, and camped out there. Now they'll have to figure out how to get to the Plane of Fire, assuming Bill ever wants his backpack back.

Stay tuned next time to find out if he does!


Currently smoking: Masonic Meerschaum + Dunhill Elizabethan Mixture

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