The new and improved defender of RPGs!

Monday 18 April 2016

DCC Campaign Update: Nothing of Value Will be Lost

So at the end of the previous adventure, the PCs had kind of sort of had something vaguely to do with stopping G.O.D. from destroying all life in the world.  Now most of them were still in the sewers of Arkhome, a bit at a loss as to what to do.  All except Bill the Elf who found himself in a new body in the middle of nowhere, confronted by an adorable tiny fluff-person.


-The PCs got to see the Assassin King standing there looking all epic.

-Bill the Elf leveled up, which means he got himself a random spell, which turned out to be the most useless 4th level spell.

-"Assassin king, I would like to hire you to kidnap someone"
"I'm not the Kidnapping King!"
"But it's pretty much just like assassinating someone except without actually killing them!"

-The PCs decide to go with the Assassin King, to fulfill their promise of helping him to take Arkhome back from the Old Families and the Halconlords.  Unfortunately, the moment they get out of the sewers and up to the ground level of Arkhome, they find themselves facing about 90 Halconlords, including Duke Halcon himself!

-Deciding that 8 vs. 90 is not good odds, Chu convinces Sandy the Warlord to defy Duke Halcon to single combat, figuring it'll be an easy way to solve the problem.

-It certainly does solve things pretty fast, when in the first round Sandy loses half her hit points and it's obvious that Duke Halcon is a vastly superior combatant.
"...I've made a huge mistake"

-In the second round of combat, Duke Halcon slices half of Sandy's left leg clean off!

-"Ok.. Sandy's doomed. It's time to get the fuck out of Dodge!"

-"Holy shit! He took her leg off!! I've just failed my morality check"
"do you mean you've failed your morale check?"
"No, I meant morality check, as in I'm going try to sneak back down into the sewers and leave everyone else to be slaughtered"
"I think you all lost your morality check long ago..."

-While the rest of the PCs are throwing out Darkness spells and running like hell, Bill the Elf is somewhere completely different, finding himself the 'prisoner' of a little fluffy warrior, who is going to take Bill to his king.  Along the way, the tiny fluffy person spontaneously reproduces, several times, so that there's 8 little fluffy people by the time Bill gets to Little Fluffy Person HQ, where he notes there's maybe a thousand little fluffy persons, all of them asexually reproducing at an alarming rate.

-"Ok, so at this rate there'll be like a quadrillion fluffy people in a couple of days.. this might be a bigger problem than it first appears"

-"With our bravery, our numbers, and our cuteness we will conquer the world!"

-Bill discovers that the Tiny Fluffy People had been brought to the material plane by the King of Elfland, as some crazy senile-old-man move to try to repopulate the world if G.O.D. annihilates it, and then forgot to send them back.  Now the Tiny Fluffy People have decided they're going to conquer the entire world, and they might just do it through sheer force of numbers.

-Bill also finds he's not the only prisoner.  He meets fellow prisoner Zeke Bodean, who is a world-renowned Scriptural Archaeologist.
"Through my careful investigations and the guiding hand of the Lord, I have been able to miraculously discover a number of the ancient relics that are mentioned in the Holy Book.  For example, I rediscovered the ass-bone that Molosh used to slay 10000 Jebishites, the golden cup of Abanathia the Harlot, and the ruins of the hill fortress of the Zamalekites which was razed to the ground by King Shobazephat!"

(I imagine Bodean looking like this guy)

-While held prisoners in a rapidly-built Fluffy Person wicker cage, Zeke Bodean decides to exorcise Bill of the demon Sezrekhan's hold on him, by praying for him, laying hands, and speaking in tongues.  Bill decides to play a trick on this religious nutso by using his Cantrip spell to simulate the voice of G.O.D.

-"Now look, my friend, G.0.D. is not your enemy. He has a message of peace and love... and terrible wrath on anyone who doesn't listen to it."

-"You fluffy heathens must do what you will, but you will not stand against the power of the Lord. Both my friend Bill and I are ready to die as martyrs!"
"No I'm not! Anyways, I died a few times already... it didn't take!"

-Meanwhile, the rest of the party got split up as they fled from the Halconlords.  Chu and Dr.Theobald the ape scientist got lost deep in the sewers; while Ack'Basha managed to find his way to an Assassin hideout, and they agreed to smuggle him to the city while waiting to find out if the Assassin King himself had survived the battle.

-"Holy fuck, Sandy is dead.. probably!"
"It just goes to show, no matter how amazing you are, there's always someone higher level than you. Well, unless you're 10th level."

-Ack'Basha gets up to the Arkhome city levels, killing a couple of muggers and raising them as his first zombie servants, which will look totally inconspicuous.

-Ack'Basha realizes he's in the Arkhome spire known as "the Slaver's Tower", which once had a large slave market. Today it has a small slave market and a large handicraft market.

-Bill the Elf decides he's sick of the Fluffy People and Bodean, and planar-steps his way a few hundred kilometers away. It's then that he realizes that the general area he's in is none other than the Great Furry Plain. He realizes this when he sees a village up ahead with the surrounding farmland being worked by a number of peasants dressed up in fursuits.

-"Why hello there, stranger! My name is Barksdale! I'm one-half kangaroo and one-half dog. I'm also polysexual! You look like you need a hug.. or maybe some dry humping?"

-"Take these turnips with you on your journey.. they may be useful for multiple purposes!"

-After 10 minutes with the fursuiters, Bill is ready to planar-step the fuck out of there, even at the cost of slicing off 3d4 damage worth of his own flesh to do it.
"Oh my lord!" says Barksdale, "that's horrible! ...And a little kinky!"

-Bill does finally teleport away, getting to the door of the Azure Tower through massive spellburn, but now finds himself unable to say anything other than his true name.  He must now proceed to try to explain the threat of the Tiny Fluffy People through an awkward game of charades with the gender nonconforming wizards of the Azure Order.

-Having been lost for hours in the sewers, Chu and Dr.Theobald end up in the lair of a Fun-Guy, a species of humanoid mushroom-man made from psychedelic substances.  They avoid getting themselves killed by agreeing to buy his wares.

-They then move on to the caves of the Hand Tribe, a species of cursed humanoids with enormous hands where their heads should be.

-"you distract the Hand Tribe guards and I'll try to disarm them"
"there's multiple ways of interpreting that"

-Chu and Dr.Theobald finally make it to the surface, where they find BOLT-0!
"we need to find a more civilized place!"
"Really? This shithole?"

-At the Azure Tower, Bill finally manages to explain what's going on with the Tiny Fluffy People and their plans for world domination.
"We're going to have to immolate the entire Great Furry Plain"
"...nothing of value will be lost."

-The Azure Wizards decide to bring in the rest of the PC team to deal with the crisis.

-BOLT-0 detects radiation from Bill's new body (a radiation mutant)

-The PCs will split up into various groups: Bill will stay behind with the Azure Wizards to help in the group ritual to create the biggest Control Fire spell ever (ironically, with the shitty spell he was bemoaning getting on leveling up). Chu will go into the Fluffy People's camp to rescue the prisoners they've currently captured.  Ack'Basha will also go among them, to provide a distraction and later to act as the epicenter of the massive fireball they're going to create (with the help of a magic pendant to let them channel the spell to him).

-When Chu and Ack'basha arrive, Chu willingly lets himself be captured while Ack'basha pretends to be an ally of the Fluffy People, warning them that their enemies plan to attack.
The Fluffy people have a defensive strategy: "Form the war machine!"
With that, a billion fluffy people combine to form a giant mecha-fluffy person.

-Chu ends up trapped in a wicker cage with a group of furries who greet him in their traditional manner, with a dry-humping "cuddle pile".

-"you know Bill, you're really shitty at this whole 'reformed' act"
"Well, you can't expect me to completely reform overnight!"
"We don't actually expect you to reform at all!"

-BOLT-O is also helping with the Azure Wizard's ritual, using his vast occult knowledge to inscribe a +4 ritual circle of power.

-Dr.Theobald had been sent to try to warn the major Furry settlement of the impending fireball, only a few bothered to listen to him.
"these furries are idiots!"
"Didn't the costumes give that away?"

-Incredibly, the ritual goes off without a hitch, and the Great Furry Plain turns into the Great Furry Plain of Glass.

-"I managed to save about 4 people! I think that's a new record for us!"
"Wait, are we going to start marking our success by how many people we save?"

-In reward for their success, the Azure Order helps the PCs out, relieving them from the geas-bracelets the Archemaster had imposed upon them, erasing that spell Bill didn't like, and in the case of Dr. Theobald, sending him back home to the Gorilla Kingdoms.  He is at most a part-time adventurer, and at this point considers himself lucky to have survived TWO full stints with our PCs.

-"you know, I can't believe we survived that dungeon.. we made a good team, Chu and I".
"Chu better believe it!"
"as far as I'm concerned, Chu and I have a lot in common"
"On the other hand, Chu and I travel to the beat of a different drum"

-Ack'basha decides to give BOLT-O the 'One Ring', in what will no doubt eventually lead to Ack'Basha saying "..I've made a huge mistake" at some point in the future.
(heard from the hallway) "WOO-HOO!"

-the group also gains a new NPC hanger on, as Scriptural Archaeologist Zeke Bodean was one of those who was saved by Chu, and decides that he is being called on by the Lord to accompany the mostly-heathen PCs on their journey, hoping his (probably worthless) scriptural-archeology skills will prove to be of some use to them.


The adventure comes to a close with the majority of the PCs heading off to Highbay, where they plan to figure out just how to take advantage of the power-vacuum that will be happening in the lands of the Warlord Sandy when news of her death at the hands of the Halconlords reaches there.
All except for Bill, who is going to stop off at Anthraz's palace/retirement-home first, hoping the incredibly old super-adventurer might have a way to help him find his lost Primo Staff.

That's it for this week. Stay tuned in a couple of weeks for more exciting DCC adventures!


Currently Smoking:  Lorenzetti solitario oversize + H&H's Beverwyck


  1. I've never been clear, is BOLT-0 a PC or NPC?

    1. BOLT-0, Sandy, Dr.Theobald, & Zeke Bodean are all NPCs.
      Ack'basha, Chu, and Bill the Elf are PCs (the only ones who made it this week).

    2. Other PCs include Bitharion the azure wizard, "ropework", the recently-deceased Fanfiction Writer, and a huge number of more long-deceased characters (Night, Vishal the Brahmin, MC Untouchable, Rick/Rickandra the Azure Wizard, Ted the Elf, and many others).

      There's probably been 20+ players in this campaign over the 3+ years of its existence, because it's a drop-in game.

    3. Drop-in also in the sense that one should be ready for their 0 level PC to drop dead.

      As always, great session by the one and only RPG Pundit, thanks again for the many hours of quality entertainment.

    4. ok, I thought BOLT-0 was an NPC but wasn't sure. Once again I have to say reading the writeups of your sessions is awesome. you have a body count of PCs up there with The Song of Ice and Fire, only with a laugh track (that actually goes off when things are actually funny, not when the writers of the show THINK are funny).