The new and improved defender of RPGs!

Friday 5 October 2018

DCC Campaign Update: Alan Moore is the Vecna of This Campaign

In our last adventure, the PCs had made their way to the Crown of Creation, fought and killed Sezrekhan and Zargon, and reinstalled Nikos the wizard on the Throne of Creation (instead of G.O.D. since he would probably just try to destroy the material world again). Then they all headed back to the Sun.  Meanwhile, with Sezrekhan dead, the Sezrekhan-zombie plague ended, and Bill the Elf woke up, a prisoner of Jal'udin.


-"When last we left off, Bill the Elf was having a little chat with Jal'udin..."
"Little chat? He had me in an Iron Maiden!"

-"Hello, Fuck Station Aleph Comms, how may I help you?"
"Yes, um, you contracted us a couple of days ago to get rid of some Sezrekhan Zombies?"

-"Wait, are you contacting Fuck Station Aleph to try to get paid?"
"well, yes, but I also want to save the lives of all those people trapped down there who aren't zombies anymore.."

-"What is your name sir?"
"Is that the name on the invoice?"
"I don't have any invoice under the name Catabra.."
"Oh wait, Bizzy."
"Is that with a 'B', a 'V' or an '&*'?"
"What's an '&*'?"
"It's a letter in the grey alien alphabet that sounds just like b or v."

-The people at Fuck Station Aleph don't pay.
"Well, that was 5 minutes of our lives wasted thanks to Catboy."

-Republican Jesus doesn't care for Zeke Bodean.
"He's got stupid hair and a dumb accent!"
"He's religious."
"Oh. Well, I respect that but I'm not very religious myself."

-"What do you think, Heidi?"
"Heidi is still an INT 2 vegetable."

-"What happened to him?"
"He literally hit someone so hard it gave him an aneurysm."

-Republican Jesus and Vizi try to use Heidi's armor as a bong.
"Should we get Heidi out of the armor first?"

-"Hey RJ, is there some kind of archive in the Sun?"
"Yeah, Historical Jesus had a historical archive. I guess that's why we called him Historical Jesus."

-"Historical Jesus used a historically sucky filing system."

-"After a night's rest, Heidi is no longer a vegetable. Now he has INT 3 and he's just a moron."

-"Zeke Bodean is just like Republican Jesus without any of the fun parts."

-As soon as he wakes up, Heidi goes and gets his sword, which immediately takes control of him.
"Let's go kill daemons!"

-Meanwhile, Jal'udin talks with Bill the Elf.
"Sezrekhan is dead."
"Dead dead? Or Phylactery Dead?"
"I presume he had a phylactery, but I was not able to find it. I did find another phylactery, however..."
"Oh shit. So, how can I serve you?"

-"So right now Bill the Elf has a Radiation Mutant body?"
"Is it dangerous to stand near him..?"
"Yes! But not because of the radiation."

-"Bill agrees to be Jal'udin's bitch."
"You'll get your things as soon as I am sure you are trustworthy."
"Paranoia, taking my stuff, owning my phylactery... are you sure you're not Sezrekhan??"

-Bill keeps trying to convince Jal'udin that he's actually Sezrekhan in Jal'udin's body with amnesia.
"NO, damn it, I am Jal'udin! I spent years earning Sezrekhan's trust and then I betrayed him and took his place."
"That's exactly what Sezrekhan would do! Are you sure you're not Sezrekhan?"
"Fuck you, Bill."

-"I will send you to where a giant creature wants to kill you, and you must kill it."
"Sure. If it kills me, just bring me back and I'll try again. It's what you.. I mean, Sezrekhan would do."

-In the Sun, Korean Jesus tries to find Bill, but there's no sign of him on the material plane.
"What about Bill's staff?"
"it is found on the surface, there, where there is 60' tall Fire Vampire."
"That must be the Fire Vampire that was once sent by the Lord of Blood and Fire to kill Bill, only  now it's huge!"
"We're going to need a shovel."
"I see you too have studied the way of the Vampire Hunter."

-"Do you guys have fire extinguishers?"
"Yes, but you can't take them. It is pretty important to have fire extinguishers here in the sun."

-"What about Holy Water, do you have that?"
"All water on the Sun is Holy Water."
"Then we'll need to take some."

-The Posh Elf sky-pilot is trying to convince the party to go get his skyship from Fuck Station Aleph (the one that is now probably in the hands of a crime lord).
"Why the fuck would we do that?"
"We might need it."
"We won't need that."
"Can't you teleport it here? You have a teleporter."
"It's a 12-person skyship! It's too large to teleport here."
"Damn it..."

-"Catboy goes to the armory before we leave."
"What's he going to get? A weapon?"
"No, a headband."

-Zeke Bodean gets to know Lenny.
"You're a saint?"
"I'm honored to be in your presence. Now I feel much more confident of our chances of success."
"You really shouldn't be."

-The PCs teleport down to Gaga, the capital city of Coolland, which is where the giant Fire Vampire seems to be headed. They get to the gates and meet with Harembe, the Gorilla warrior who is head of the Coolland guard and personal bodyguard to Queen Zoey.

-"Heidi, it has been a long time!"
"The Fire Vampire that had faced you the last time you were here left, but now it appears to be back and gigantic. It came out of the Boiling Sea and has been headed straight here ever since."
"Was the sea boiling before the Fire Vampire showed up? Or was it always like that."
"No, it was always like that."

-They meet Queen Zoey.
"Your majesty do you  have a prison full of Sezrekhan Zombies?"
"We did, but now they've all returned back to normal. We've had quite a job trying to sort out which ones are fashionable enough to be set free and which ones to send to Fashion Jail."

-"Have you made any plans to deal with the Fire Vampire?"
"We've called on our expert, who's only just arrived."

-An elderly peasant woman with a thick Old Country accent appears.
"OK, we need big shovel!"
"She's the expert."
"You can tell because she has a shovel."

-Queen Zoey remembers Heidi.
"Is Bill coming? Because we believe he is the both the cause and potential solution to this problem."
"As usual."

-"How long until the Fire Vampire gets here?"
"Two days at his current speed."
"Last time we encountered it, the Fire Vampire could teleport."
"Maybe now he's too large to teleport?"
"Yeah, I got told you couldn't teleport big objects..."
"Quit whining about your skyship, elf!"

-"We need to find the Primo Staff. It could distract the Fire Vampire and lead it away from the city!"
"I'll check with Palumbo."
"Palumbo is making a divination in his tower to try to get information about defeating the Fire Vampire. Don't interrupt him in his ritual."
"Ohhh, it's his masturbation tower."

-Palumbo comes out of his tower.
"From what I've determined there are four ways to defeat the Fire Vampire: first, to kill Bill the Elf."
"So he is alive!"
"Second, to teleport the Fire Vampire out of this plane."
"We don't have a big enough teleporter!"
"Really, that's become the saying of this adventure?"

-"Third, we could find and present him with his soul mate and one true love."
"How the hell would we find his soul mate?"
"Wait! I know of a scriptural artifact nearby that could determine his true love!"
"Wow, Zeke's going to be useful after all. Go get it!"

-"And the last way?"
"To just plain destroy him."
"Gentlemen, are any of you immune to fire?"
"Too bad, that would have been very helpful."

-Jal'udin teleports Bill, Iron Maiden and all, through the air into a forest. The Iron Maiden softens his fall and cracks open on impact.
"Do I have my stuff?"
"Damn it. Do I even have a loincloth?"
"Does bill usually have a loincloth, or does he go commando?"
"The latter."
"Ladies & gentlemen, the most powerful PC in the game, buck naked in a forest."

-"Palombo are you a good wizard?"
"More of a mediocre wizard. I'm a very stereotypical wizard, if that helps?"

-Meanwhile, this whole time Sami was still back in the Sun, having a long final talk with Anema, convincing her to get a pet.
"So you're saying I should get a cat? One that's helpless and needs my affection?"
"Yes. That would solve a need you clearly have."
"And then I could get a real man, a rebel. A macho guy who'll treat me like shit?"
"God damn it."
"Well, Sami solved half the problem with Anema..."

-Next, Sami takes Mongo to the Wardens of the Citadel, to leave him there where he'll be safe and cared for.
"His bedtime is at 7pm, and don't let him eat too many sweets..."

-Sami teleports just outside the city of Gaga.
"You see that walking toward the city gate is a naked glowing guy with a serpent head."
"Ohh a serpent head? I fix my hair..."

-Bill arrives and presents himself to Queen Zoey.
"You're not Bill! Bill doesn't have a snake head!"
"My body changed."
"You're trans-body? Cool!"
"Bill the elf just get buried in social media bird-'likes'."

-"Don't worry! I'm not a Sezrekhan follower anymore."
"I never even asked that..."
"Bad lines for a first date."
"Yeah it's like 'My name is Jim and I am no longer infected!'"

-Harembe shows up.
"Whoa.. is that a gorilla?"
"Uh oh, we forgot about Sami."
"She immediately stops flirting at Bill."
"Gorilla beats Snake-head."
"Bill lost his shot in 5 minutes."

-"Have you made any plan for dealing with the Fire Vampire?"
"Are you single, Harembe? I'm asking as part of the plan".

-"So what's Jal'udin's deal?"
"Jal'udin controls the society of assassins. They were called the League of Assassins but had to change their name due to copyright issues."

-Zeke returns.
"Good news, my friends! I have found the Paper of Esther, a scriptural artifact which will help us determine the name of the Fire Vampire's soul mate!"
"Wait, is that one of those papers you fold and say a little rhyme to find out who your boyfriend is?"
"Yeah, the holy version of that."

-Bill and Zeke Bodean initially confront each other, but then surprising everyone Bill agrees to be baptized.
"Hallelujah! It's a miracle!"
"Yeah sure. You pour water on me, right? I'm sure that will be really significant."

-Sami identifies some of the items they took of Sezrekhan's corpse.
"This is The Hand of Alan Moore."
"So Alan Moore is the Vecna of this campaign?"

-Also, stuff from Roman/Zargon's corpse.
"His pipe is magical. It's self cleaning and enhances the flavor of pipeweed."
"So... basically it's just a really good pipe?"

-Zeke uses the holy paper-fortune-teller to divine the Fire Vampire's soul-mate.
"The first letter of his soul-mate's name is... P."
"The second is R."
"The third is I.."
"Oh for fuck's sake, it's Priscilla."
"OK, so we're just going to destroy the Fire Vampire, right?"
"Well.. we could find her.."
"NO. NO! We just destroy the Fire Vampire!"

-"Priscilla has been banished from Coolland."
"Yes. She attempted a pathetic and unpopular coup against our Queen."

-Sami lies about the Hand of Alan Moore to stop Heidi from destroying it.
"What's up with him?"
"The sword is controlling him. It makes him want to kill daemons and daemon-related stuff."
"Well, he's still near-retarded."
"I don't even know if it wouldn't just control him even at full intelligence, honestly."

-"So Zargon also had this pipe tobacco that could corrupt Lawfully-aligned characters."
"Funny how somehow he never had cause to use it with this group..."

-"I call Zargon's Cloak of Camoflauge!"
"Catboy, do you even know how to use it?"
"I thump it."
"Nothing happens."
"I think you need to concentrate."
"Oh.. that's hard for me."

-"After concentrating for a long time, the Catboy suddenly looks like Roman!"
"I kill him."
"Heidi, no!!"

-After that, continuing to concentrate on the Robe of Camoflauge to change back to himself, Catboy's appearance changes to that of a short Trent (tree-man), a wimpy-looking peasant, and a bag of rocks.
"Why the hell would one of the forms be a bag of rocks?!"
"I'm more curious about the Trent."

-"If the Fire Vampire is coming for me, I could lead it away from the city."
"That's strangely selfless of you, Bill."
"I have really bad publicity."

-"Palombo, could you find Priscilla?"
"I should be able to.."
"Then what are you waiting for? Go to your Masturbation Tower!"

-"I can use Divine Aid to bring the Primo Staff here."
"Cool, Sami! You're way better than Ack'basha!"

-Sami's divine aid works, but it ends up teleporting the Fire Vampire right into the middle of the city of Gaga!
"Oh shit!"

-"So the Staff is inside the Fire Vampire!"
"If only we had a skyship, right guys?"
"Shut up, elf!"

-"RAAARGH! Blah!"
"He's half-kaiju and half-vampire!"

-"The Fire Vampire is enraged and starts to bash buildings and people are being set on fire."
"Well, we fucked Coolland."
"Damn you, bill!"
"See? This is why I have a bad rep!"

-"So I see the Fire Vampire wasn't too big to teleport.."
"Goddamnit, Elf..."

-"I move 200ft back with my jetpack."
"If you see fire, fly the other way!"

-"Please G.O.D. make holy water!"
"A tiny puddle appears."
"You're useless, Lenny!"
"I'm level 0 and even I agree!"

-Harembe is trying to help evacuate people, suddenly, he sees a lost toddler right in the path of the Fire Vampire.
"That child is in danger!"
"Harembe's head explodes."
"Someone just did a surprise attack on him with a high-powered sniper rifle."
"Harembe, noooo!"
"Oh, I get it."
"Yeah, it runs in the family."
"I was waiting for literally  years of this campaign for that to happen."

-Elsa the old peasant-woman vampire-hunter charges and swipes across the Fire Giant's shin, knocking it down with a critical hit!
"Bah, Elsa still will need bigger shovel."

-"Everyone attack now, it's movement is impaired!"

-One of the 0-level newbs checks on Harembe, catching his dying words:
"I have... important.. information.. about... Hillary..."
"He's dead."
"The Sky-Hobo loots him."

-"Zeke's pep talk hasn't helped Lenny, he keeps failing all his saintly divine aid rolls."
"Lenny, I'm going tell people I don't know you."

-"Sami, do something!"
"I'm busy!!"
"No, you're Sami!"
"I hate you all!"

-"Did Harembe have anything valuable?"
"A seal celebrating his 1 million subscribers."

-"After repeated encouragement from Zeke, Lenny finally creates a light shower of Holy Water."
"I always believed in you, Lenny!"

-"Lenny actually pulled off a Divine Aid before Sami!"
"Not true. I pulled mine off first by accidentally summoning the Fire Vampire right into the middle of the city!"

-"Catboy is following Harembe's assassin and will try to shoot him amidst the fleeing crowds."
"Do you take a penalty to avoid hitting innocent bystan...  aw shit, I can't even ask that with a straight face."

-Catboy manages to shoot the assassin dead, right through the head, just like he did to Harembe.
"Good job!"
"Too bad none of the other PCs saw that."
"Yeah, that's because I was being competent."

-"Sami, Harembe's dead."
"Sami can't get a female friend OR a boyfriend!"

-"When Queen Zoey finds out that Sami summoned the Fire Vampire right into her city, and that led to Harembe's death, she probably won't want to be her friend either."
"I'll just say Bill did it."

-"Catboy changes to the form of a Trent."
"So now he's a tree with a catboy under it, instead of the more usual opposite."
"I'm not sure that makes sense..."

-"Heidi grabs the Primo Staff."
"Here Bill, but first I want you to swear"
"Fuck yeah!"
"No, I mean I want you to swear that you'll help us to go to Sezrekhan's lair to get his phylactery."
"It's not there, Jal'udin looted the whole place and he said he didn't find it."

-"I just spent 5500gp and didn't get one damn Divine Aid."

-Queen Zoey comes out of her castle.
"How did this happen? How did they Fire Vampire get here so fast?!"
"It.. it teleported.."
"Fire Vampires are known to do that."
"yeah! That!"

-"I thank you for avenging Harambe's death."
"You should know he's really just a bag of rocks disguised as a Catboy."

-"Do you want to see my staff, your majesty?"
"No don't touch it!!"

-"Is Bill the Elf's last name 'Cosby'?"

-"It's good to have Bill back, sort of."
"On the plus side, he's really fun. On the down side, you're all going to die."

That's it for this session. Stay tuned next time to see how long the rest of the party can avert a Total Party Bill.


Currently Smoking: Neerup Billiard + Image Latakia


  1. Bill hasn't killed any of the last few parties, this is just bad PR management.