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Friday 19 October 2018

DCC Campaign Update: #UnravelTheTruth #CatboyIsACreep

So in our last session, the PCs had managed to both summon and stop a Giant Fire Vampire, which devastated much of the downtown core of the city of Gaga, capital of Coolland. During the attack, a mysterious sniper murdered Queen Zoey's chief guard, the Harembe of the Gorilla Kingdoms.


-"Feather Fall is a spell that is useful in exactly 1 situation, which is a lot better than Ekim's Mystical Mask, which is useful in no situations."

-"The city is in ruins!"
"It's Sami's fault."
"No, it's Bill's fault!"
"No. It's the Fire Vampire's fault, you guys. Sure, maybe Bill brought it here..."

-The posh elf wizard has the Find Familiar spell and he's desperate to get to learn it, but it would take 7 days of ritual.
"We're going to stay here in Gaga for a couple of days."
"Wait, how many days?"
"A couple usually means two, elf."

-"Those wacky elves, huh?"
"Bill, you are an.. never mind."

-"Are we going to wait a week for the elf?"
"Sure, I guess."
"Yeah, we can spend the time catching up on what happened when I was gone."
"Sezrekhan happened."
"OK, we're caught up!"

-"Oh Lord in Heaven who smells like lamb, help Bill serve you better by sending him a scroll of Polymorph so he won't have to risk a shitty random spell!"
"Natural 20!"
"Fuck's sake."

-"Wow! Thank you, Sami!"
"Just remember I'm very useful and it would be a shame if I were to die."

-"Man, I'm so grateful that when I get my stuff back I'm going to give Sami a rope of climbing!"
"But she has a jetpack!!"
"Yeah, I know."

-Lenny and Catboy go find Lenny a victim in Fashion Jail. They decide to just set up shop there.
"You need a cauldron."
"Yeah, I left my old one behind... wait, we're doing this right here?"
"Sure, why not?"
"Oh, OK!"

-"It's the Lenny and Catboy dungeon cookout!"

-"Bill, G.O.D. is your patron now!"

-Bill goes back into the Neutral Zone (by casting magic missile), and then Planar Steps himself and Alambus (the wizard who'd been stuck there for a century) back to the material plane.
"So Alambus, you were stuck in the neutral zone for 100 years... so you've seen everything, right?"
"So you know any of the secrets of the city?"
"Well, I know where all the porn is hidden, if that's what you mean..."

-"Priscilla betrayed me. At first I thought she was funny, but then she turned me against my friend Wendy.."
"Yeah, NPCs are like that; funny at first but then they get annoying."

-Heidi got the money that the Queen owed him, and went shopping.
"So.. did you just buy 8000gp worth of bling?"
"No. I bought 8000gp AND 130000pp worth of bling!"
"He's more bling than man!"

-"The economy recovers, thanks to Heidi!"
"I probably broke the city, actually. An apple will cost 10gp now."

-"Maybe Heidi can replace Harembe?"
"I couldn't do that."
"He's unreliable."
"Really? He seems like the least unreliable ever associated with Bill the Elf."
"That's a very low bar."

-"My ears are burning!"
"You don't have ears, Bill."

-"Hey, I can finally blackmail people now that I'm out of the Neutral Zone!"
"Or, I could start a gossip blog!"
"Just remember to say nice things about Bill, I saved you!"

-"Heidi is wearing so much bling it gave him a 5' movement penalty."
"Hey Heidi, when I get my stuff back from Jal'udin you can use my backpack of holding to carry all your stuff."
"No need, I'm wearing all my stuff now."

-"I'm invoking my familiar."
"Is that what they call Waifus these days?"

-While Bill is visiting them, two castle guards walk into the Fashion Jail and find Lenny & Catboy's House of Horrors.
"We're using the Sunstaff to stir the cannibal stew pot."
"Bill drugs the nearest guard with the Primo Staff."
"The other guard turns to flee, but Lenny comes out of the shadows and outright slashes open his throat."
"What the hell are you doing, Lenny?"
"It's OK, I'm a saint!"

-Sami recommends new possibilities for Guard Captains with Queen Zoey.
"you could get another Gorilla from the Gorilla kingdoms... or maybe a Minotaur from Tholia..."
"Wait, Sami's just trying to find a new boyfriend, isn't she?"

-"Looks like Sami has finally made a friend in Queen Zoey..."
"Yeah, I'm sure absolutely nothing will end up fucking that up."

-"Hey Catboy, if we end up staying here, why don't you make a thief guild? That's what Jal'udin started out with..."
"Hey yeah... I could call it the Iron Catz.."
"That's a terrible name!"
"No, it's cool because it would have a Z at the end!"

-A new crisis emerges: Queen Zoey is getting a ton of "Dislikes" on Coolland's bluebird-based social media.
"Your majesty, you get 300000 dislikes in the last 12 hours! And if you get 700000 within 48 hours, according to the Coolland constitution you will be deposed."
"Yes, that's our ancient law."
"But if you get deposed, what then?"
"The next in line would become King... the Duke of Abstinence."

-The PCs try to talk to angry crowds outside the Queen's palace.
"Harembe is dead because of Queen Zoey!"
"No, Harembe was killed by an agent of the Duke of Abstinence"
"That's Fake News!"
"Yeah, the Duke would make a much better King!"

-"Your Majesty, I suspect the Duke is somehow helping create these Dislikes."
"In Old Country, we have thing like this. They call them 'Bots'."
"So you're saying we should blame all this political mess on Old Country Bots?"

-"Your Majesty, it has gotten worse! PoodlePoo has sent a post with the hashtag #BringBackTheDuke!"
"Who the hell is PoodlePoo?"
"He's only one of the most influential social media people in Coolland."
"He posts about watching other people playing games."

-"Hey Catboy, we need to make some dude disappear."
"Wait, I'm not sure I agree with this..."
"No, don't worry Your Majesty, we know what we're doing."

-"Wait.. you're going to kidnap me?"
"Yes, Your Majesty. Then we'll blame it on the Duke, and rescue you, and you'll be popular again."

-"So will Bill the Elf's power be guided by someone?"
"By me."
"So you think you can control him?"
"I probably can't."
"Yeah, this is probably the moment that we'll look back at and say that this was when Coolland went totally to shit."

-Zeke Bodean arrives at that moment, having spent all this time distracted from when Bill told him he should investigate some scriptural artifact for them to find together.
"I've got it! We can seek out the Spade of Ashbaphat the Farmer; as mentioned in the Book of Complications, Ch.17.  It's possibly in the mountains north of here."
"So the spade can help me save my kingdom?"
"I'm sorry, what?"

-"I keep thinking that if Harembe was here he'd say that your complicated plan to fake my kidnapping is a terrible idea that will risk ruining the kingdom and handing the Duke the throne."
"Yeah, probably, but Harembe's dead."

-"Bill misses the good old days when the Party's most complex plans mostly involved throwing grenades on the roofs of buildings."

-"We can have Lenny watch the Queen while we do our work."
"I don't know you guys... me watching the Queen? People might think that's creepy."
"Yeah, because Lenny isn't creepy."
"I could do it!"
"No, Catboy."

-"Your majesty, things have gotten worse! Now Jakwee has shared the #BringBackTheDuke hashtag!"
"Who's Jakwee?"
"She's the second most famous social media personality."
"What does she do?"
"She does performances where she pretends to sing popular songs while dressed in the latest fashions."

-After an extremely long discussion about their very convoluted plan to fake the Queen's kidnapping to try to entrap the Duke, Bill the Elf casually mentions his friend Alambus who spent the last century in the Neutral Zone spying on every detail of the city.
"Wait, you know a guy who knows every single secret of this city, and you didn't lead with that?!"
"Well, I guess we can go look for him.."

-They find Alambus in an alley, living in a box, covered in filth.
"I just can't hack it. I don't understand these kids and all their weird memes."
"Alambus is a 30 year old boomer."
"I mean, back in my days, the memes were simple.. like Milhouse!"

-"We need your help to stop PoodlePoo. He is trying to dethrone the queen."
"What? That makes no sense; PoodlePoo really likes the queen!"
"Do you mean, like, sexually?"
"Oh, he means he wants to eat her!"
"No, Lenny."

-"OK, so do you know any secrets we can use against PoodlePoo and Jakwee?"
"Yeah. I mean, Jakwee is bulimic and has a veneral disease. And PoodlePoo secretly dresses up as a sky-nazi. Which is pretty weird because he's a mutant, like most of us."

-Meanwhile, Heidi keeps getting little birds landing on him with "Likes".
"What's happening?"
"Apparently my new look is making me popular."
"Hey, they made a hashtag about you... you're #BlingBae!"

-They report back to Queen Zoey.
"Your majesty, the old plan is on hold."
"Oh thank G.O.D.!"

-"I go find the posh elf."
"He's in Palombo's masturbation tower."
"I knock on the door."
"I ignore the knocking!"
"Can I hear if he's in there? You know, making vigorous movements?"
"You hear vigorous movements from his ritual."
"I knock the door down."
"What are you doing? What do you need me for?"
"...I don't know anymore."

-"I have to do the whole ritual in one stretch! Please!!"
"He says he can't interrupt his ritual."
"Bring the little bitch over here."

-"You call Sami and explain, posh elf."
"..she isn't answering me!"
"Ok, well, then I guess you can stay."

-"I'm going to have faith in you, Sami."
"That's probably not the wisest decision but we'll see."

-Catboy sneaks into Poodlepoo's secret sky-nazi dressing room.
"I leave a note there, saying 'I know'."

-In a different part of his house, Catboy observes Poodlepoo, who is acting very strangely.
"Guys, I think PoodlePoo is a Bot!"
"Tell him Lenny says hi!"

-"Maybe Bolt-1 is involved?"
"You know.. Bolt, Bot?"
"They sound alike! That proves it!"

-"Catboy are you still in his house?"
"Spy on him, since you're a Creep."
"Stop that! I'm not a creep! I just snuck into this guy's house and now I'm going to stalk him in secret."

-"So, if he's a Bot, kill him, dress him as a Nazi, and make it look like he hung himself while masturbating in an act of auto-erotic asphyxiation."
"so.. we're trying to make him look like a wizard?"

-Heidi gets a social media account.
"What are you going to say to your fans?"
"I do a post saying #CatboyIsACreep ".
"Isn't the whole 'creep' thing what you guys did to Morris the last time you were in Gaga?"
"And just like catboy, he was a level 3 thief too!"
"I guess that when you get to level 3, you become a creep!"

-"Wait.. Heidi's account is super-popular now. If we can expose PoodlePoo as a bot, and blame it on the Duke, we could make Queen Zoey great again!"

-Meanwhile, Alambus tells the PCs about the two locations he knows of where spies of the Duke of Abstinence were known by  him to congregate.
"Are they in abandoned warehouses?"
"No, there's not really any abandoned warehouses in Gaga. One is behind a Beautician's, and the other behind a Yoga Studio."

-Heidi takes out the beautician, and they go to the back room.
"Try not to kill everyone!"
"That's sky-nazi for 'go fuck yourself'."

-Bill casts magic missile in the fight, and enters the Neutral Zone.
"Man, I forgot how solitary this is normally. I should force Alambus back here so I  have someone to talk to whenever I get stuck here."

-Heidi tosses a flash grenade without warning anyone. Sami gets blinded.
"Why did you do that?! You know what, fuck this, I'm just going to sit down. You guys kill them."
"Lenny saved and he stabs the blind guy right in the kidneys."

-"Eww, Lenny, you're eating that guy's kidneys! They're full of pee!"
"I thought pee came from the balls?"

-They managed to keep one of the spies alive to question him.
"OK, talk."
"I don't know much! I was just the crossbow guy!"

-PoodlePoo is attacking Catboy!
"I backstabbed him and he's still up. I use my jump suit to jump out of there!"
"Yeah, I'm pretty cool."
"Only because no one can see you right now."

-"I hide in the garden."
"OK, you get behind a shrubbery pruned into the shape of a clown."
"I turn into a bag of rocks!"

-"You guys PoodlePoo is a bot!"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean he's a goddamn robot!"
"Ohhh... so that's what 'bot' means!"

-"Our hideout is at the Beautician's."
"Which Beauticians?"
"The Generic Beautician's, on 31st."
"You're welcome. Please don't kill me."

-"So he writes a message on a little bird, and another bird shows up on my shoulder with the message? How the hell does this social media even work?"

-"You need to send a cleverly crafted message, Heidi."
"I write: I'm not here to take the side of the Queen or the Duke, I'm here to find out the Truth. #UnravelTheTruth #CatboyIsACreep"

-Birds are sending out Heidi's message all over the place.
"So do I see any of this?"
"You chose your path, stay in the masturbation tower, posh elf!"

-"Do you get to chose your familiar?"
"I hope you get something really pathetic."
"Like a catboy?"

-"Will the video I took of PoodlePoo be enough?"
"It should be enough to raise awareness..."
"Raise awareness?! What the fuck is with you, Heidi?"
"I saved you from the Shithole for this, Heidi??"

-"You know who I miss? Roman."
"Yeah. He was a daemon, and planned to betray us, and to take over the world; but he sure could keep us on track!"
"Yeah, everything's gone to shit since then."
"Heidi's grandson was right!"

-The PCs get to the other spy hangout, called "Generic Yoga Studio".

-Lenny prays to open the locked back door.
"It worked! Maybe G.O.D. approves of me eating more people!"

-Meanwhile, Bill went in the front and murdered the yoga instructor.
"I put the 'closed' sign on the front door."
"OK, but the whole storefront is glass, and people can still see the murdered corpse of the yoga instructor..."
"I don't really care."

-Jakwee finds Heidi, there's a fight, and he destroys her.
"She's a robot!"
"I'm pretty sure the real Jakwee wasn't a robot."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm pretty sure, I mean I watched her from the Neutral Zone for years, and I'm pretty sure a robot wouldn't have bulimia and a venereal disease."

-"I'll address the crowd that came to see me, but you guys can't be seen with me. Especially you Catboy; you're a creep and they know that."
"How do they know that, Heidi?"
"It's the Morris Effect."

-"I'm not a creep!"
"You go into people's homes to film them!"
"You told me to film them!!!"

-"The plaza is full of people with banners saying '#BlingLove', '#UncoverTheTruth', and '#CatboyIsACreep'."

-"I cast Detect Evil."
"You shouldn't do that standing next to me."
"You're all blinded from the glow of Bill's evil."

-"Bill tries to join the crowd, but they publicly shame him."

-"I'm on a roof, and I'm going to do a perception check to look for any snipers."
"OK, you spot ten snipers. One of them is on the same roof as you are, right next to you."
"Oh shit!"
"They all fire before you can do anything."

-"Only one of the snipers manages to hit you, Heidi. In the chest."
"Ooh, right in the nipple!"
"You got hit for 9 damage, and your nipple might never be functional again."

-"Can I backstab the guy on my roof?"
"Well, you didn't spot him until now, and he rolled a 1 so he didn't see you either."

-"You hit him right in the kidneys. That's what we call a 'Lenny' around here."

-"This round only one of the snipers hit you again, again with a critical."
"Don't tell me.."
"Yes. He hit you in the other nipple."
"Sonofabitch! I just had that pierced with a platinum ring!"

-"The hit does 9 points of damage, and that nipple is also rendered useless."
"Now Heidi will have to draw nipples on himself to hide his shame!"
"He can wear armor with nipples, like Batman!"

-"I cast magic missile and get a 1."
"Bill misfires, and kills 5 innocent bystanders."
"Now for my second attempt!"

-Bill takes two critical hits. The first knocks him down, and the second hits him in the kidney.
"They did a Lenny!"
"It's all nipples and kidney shots today!"

-Heidi's jetpack takes a hit and now he's flying out of control.
"My movement is impaired!"

-Heidi gets criticaled again!
"I haven't got any nipples left; what more do you people want from me?!"

-"Heidi is unconscious and possibly dead. Also, his jetpack is still flying, moving away from the center of town, incredibly not slamming into any buildings so far."
"Oh shit! If he dies, no one will believe us!"
"If that happens, then we can just burn down the city."

-Sami, meanwhile, finally gets around to casting Ack'basha's Sanctuary, and gets a natural-20, creating a massive sanctuary zone.

-Lenny was able to summon Heidi back from wherever he was flying to, but his jetpack is still going, and his possibly-lifeless body slams into the side of the Palace.
"At least Alambus managed to feather-fall him!"
"You and I make a good team, Alambus. I'm not going to eat you after all."
"Oh... thanks."

-Incredibly, Heidi turns out to still be alive.

-"Your majesty, Alambus here knows the whole city's secrets."
"I guess I'd better make him my spymaster."
"Yes, your majesty. You'd really better."

-Queen Zoey manages to use #BlingBae's popularity to restore her own, saving the kingdom from a constitutional crisis.
"This was a ridiculous adventure."

-"Now I'll need you to rescue the real PoodlePoo and Jakwee from my uncle the Duke."
"Really? We need to do that?"

That's everything for this session. Stay tuned next time to see if the PCs manage to, or even decide to, rescue two useless social media stars from the Queen's evil uncle who she still doesn't want to kill!
Yes, they saved the world from Sezrekhan, and this is their life now.


Currently Smoking: Dunhill Shell Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best

1 comment:

  1. Alambus seems like he was better off in the neutral zone. Also #Alambuswastherealcreeperallalong