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Sunday, 7 April 2019

DCC Campaign Update: 6th Level Hemophiliac

In our last adventure, the PCs were in the process of recovering the five rings of the Ancients necessary to do a purge of the Crown of Creation and restore G.O.D. to factory defaults, in order to save the universe from the Dark Ones' corruption of the Crown. They managed with some difficulty to obtain the rings of Wisconsin and the Jade Realm, but found that the Grey Realm ring is missing (and probably in the hands of Priscilla the exiled Grey queen). So they tabled that and headed off to the Birthing Slurries of the Stone Realms to find the Stone Ring. Roman the Ancient knew the Stone men to be a gentle and friendly people, but it turns out his information was out of date and they're violent isolationists now. After a very tough fight with a couple of Stone Men, the party figured they might be in trouble.


First of all, this session marked our 6th anniversary of the campaign! We had cake and there were presents.

Now, really:

-"I'll try not to kill you, Sky-mexican..."
"Don't try to kill the Sky-Mexican Cleric! It drives the SJWs crazy!"

-"I'll use my translator to speak the stone-man prisoner's language! Arraogugharaghahh!"
"I speak common, you know!"
"Your accent is terrible!"
"Roman, you're embarrassing us."

-"Do you Stone Men have hearts of stone?"
"Are you trying to make some kind of joke?"
"No, I just want loot."

-"What the fuck happened to you guys? You used to be nice!"
"The Dark Ones have corrupted the planes, so the Stone Men protect themselves by keeping everyone else out!"
"But he's an Ancient!"
"The Ancients are all dead."
"But what if we could prove it?"
"We already know what's true!"
"Oh god, they're East Coast Liberals."
"Oh look, political commentary... yaay."

-"Now listen here Earth Man..."
"I am a Stone Man! The Earth Men are filthy pigs."

-"You'd listen to us if you get it through your thick head that the Dark Ones have attacked and corrupted the Crown of Creation and are now threatening everyone!"
"Wow, Catboy just isn't taking any shit from anyone anymore!"

-"There won't be a Stone Realm if you don't help us!"
"Who are you and what have you done with the real Catboy!?"

-"The Stone Man looks at you with furrowed Tucker-Carlson-like brows."

-"This is Catboy at his least useless!"

-"Guys, I think this is a stupid Stone Man and we need to find a less stupid Stone Man."

-Sami tries divine aid but fails; she tries again and gets a natural 1, and develops a wizard-like corruption.
"Do I still have the divine power?"
"Now we'll have to get the Sky-Mexican cleric to suck Jesus' cock next."
"What? No!"

-"Fuck it, I'll just pacify the Stone Man: You are happy and satisfied. You want to obey me, I am an Ancient."
"I am happy and satisfied... I want to obey you... you can't be an Ancient because all the Ancients are dead."
"Eh, good enough."

-"Where is your ring storage machine?"
"Ring storage machine?! Where did you even get that from, Catboy??"
"Normal Catboy is back!"
"Just ask him where the ring is! Jesus Christ..."
"What, are you going to suck his cock again, Sami?"

-The ring is in the Birthing Slurries, protected by 1000 Stone Men Warriors.
"Yes, OK, let's go!"
"Wait... are you a stone man warrior?"
"No, I'm just a worker. Stone Men Warriors are much more powerful."
"Well, shit."

-"We should rest first."
"Yes, I have a feeling that if we rest we'll have slightly more party members."

-The PCs return to the ship and find that Rocky the Jade Man is talking about installing wood paneling in the ship.
"So he's a panelologist?"
"Oh no, I never got a degree in that or anything. I just practice some basic panelonomy."

-Bill, meanwhile, was teleported into the Shithole, to a Transmat station where he finds Jal'udin and The Man Who Will Kill the Catboy and Then the Sky-Fuhrer.
"Sezrekhan is back!"
"I know he's back. He killed half of my brotherhood. Did you think I'd bring you here if he wasn't back?"

-"Hey 'Man', pleasure to meet you!"
"Thank you."
"Hey, could I add to your list of people you are meant to kill?"
"You'd have to talk to my patron."
"Your boss is a great man! I'm a huge fan."
"On this Bill and I agree."

-"So did you manage to take my phylactery when you escaped?"
"Jaludin hesitated just like Sezrekhan!"
"Does no one have my phylactery?!"

-"So why are you with The Man, Jaludin?"
"We're all going to make a deal."
"Yes. You'll help The Man kill Catboy, and he'll assassinate Sezrekhan for us!"

-"I really like The Man, I think we're besties now!"

-"How are you going to kill Sezrekhan, Man?"
"I have some special magic bullets, that are waiting for me on Fuck Station Aleph."

-"Sezrekhan spared me to save reality."
"So maybe you want to put off saving reality? Because as soon as you save reality, Sezrekhan will have no reason to keep you alive."
"You don't get how much he likes me."
"He has always had a stupid weak spot for you..."

-"Jaludin has a bromance going with The Man."

-Bill returns to the UFOe.
"The Man wants to kill you too, Heidi!"
"Yes, but after he kills the Catboy and Sky-Fuhrer!"
"Oh, well, we'll have to let him do those parts first."

-"Bill, you have your briefcase?"
"With the cocaine?"
"Sure, but I also have my Primo Staff..."
"Yeah, but I'm trying to save the universe... I better just take that pound of cocaine."

-"After snorting half a pound of cocaine, Roman is spazzing out on Dance Dance Revolution."

-Jaludin gave Bill an amulet that allows them to communicate.
"Jaludin, I know the plan..."
"You don't have to whisper, you're communicating telepathically."
"Oh, yeah."

-"So wait, it's technically your fault that the universe is about to end?"
"Well, yes."
"I'm not surprised."

-"Heidi levels up.He's finally level 6 and gets a custom title; he's a bruiser now!"
"Does that mean he bruises easily?"
"Heidi, the 6th level hemophiliac!"

-"The birthing slurries have no roof, so we can't just throw grenades on it like Catboy planned."
"What? That's MY plan! He copied it!"
"He's a copy-cat!"

-"If Heidi uses the Demon Heart, will he try to kill himself with his sword?"
"No, it's a Daemon-killing sword, Daemon, not Demon."
"I can't state enough that I  have no Daemon parts!"

-"The Stone Men used to be nice, but not anymore."
"They're still in the Stone age!"

-"If you just throw grenades on a roof, then a cleric dies."
"Well... which one?"

-"The Stone Man is still here!"
"Come with us, we need you to vouch for us."
"They probably won't believe me, I'm just a worker and they hate interlopers. It would be different if you really had an Ancient with you."
"God damn it!"

-"What about Earth Elementals? Any of those?"
"NO! They are garbage. They're the gypsies of the elemental world."
"Wow, I never knew elementals were so prejudiced."

-"OK, whatever you do, stop listening to the Sky-Mexican Cleric!"
"Thank you!"

-"Do your superiors look like humans?"
"So all Stone Men look the same?"
"That's racist; but sort of, yes."
"Oh, sorry."
"You're an elementalist!"

-"Roman, can you also order me to ignore the Sky-Mexican?"
"He's not controlling you, though."
"Yes! Everyone ignore the Sky-Mexican! Except the newbies; they don't deserve that privilege yet!"
"Si, finally I have power over others!"

-"God damn it, Sami, stop trying to shoot our newbies! They're our first line of defense!"
"Yeah, killing them is the monsters' job!"

-"Will the Stone Men understand me? I don't speak the language... will they understand common?"
"It will seem weird, but yes."
"I could tell them I'm practicing it..."
"That's believable."
"He's doing Rosetta Stone!"

-"Do the rest of us have a place to hide around here?"
"That corridor, it's a dead end and no one goes there, except teenagers."
"For hijinks."
"They go rock there!"

-"OK, let's get going Rockman!"
"How did you know my name?"
"Just guessed."

-"I have no cleric spells now. I'm basically just a 5th level AD&D fighter."
"You're a level 5 whiny bitch, now."
"Shots fired!"

-After lengthy attempts to try to trick the Stone Men into letting him into the Birthing Slurry, the disguised Catboy just decides to tell the Stone Men that Bill the Elf has been spotted in the Stone Realm.
"Bill the Elf!"
"We have long prepared for the arrival of this most dangerous interloper! The entire plane will be mobilized to destroy him!"

-"Catboy has a +2 Personality bonus and these guys are all idiots, so the plan is actually working!"

-While the guard commander is off hunting for Bill the Elf, Catboy sends the charmed Stone Man into the Birthing Slurry to get the ring.
"Did you get it?"
"Yes. Also, I will soon be a father."

-"Sami shot the trans mutant."
"Damn it, Sami!!"
"Seriously, are you going to let any of my 0-level dudes live?"

-The party hightails it out of the Stone Realm and back to the Material Plane.
"Jaludin, it's Bill!"
"We're going to the island of the Blue Elves."
"You know they're assholes, yes?"
"Then I should fit right in!"

-As the UFOe flies in, the Blue Elves start firing on it!
"They've got particle beam cannons!"
"So does that mean that they'll probably be able to recharge my gun's energy clip?"

-"Are we jumping for it?"
"We're thousands of feet up in the air and being fired upon by artillery!"
"So are we?"
"You should totally jump for it, Sky-Cleric!"

-"I'm sure the blue elves are followers of G.O.D.; you should try to preach to them Zeke!"
"Stop trying to kill Zeke, Sami!"

-"Hey, I could talk to them! I just remembered I speak Elf!"
"Wow, you think, Bill THE ELF??"

-Evading the bombardment from the Blue Elf Island, Roman steers the UFOe to the mainland and lands in a desert. The party starts to walk toward the coast. Along the way, Heidi spots something.
"There's something moving under the sand!"
"Holy shit, what is that goddamn animal?!"
"Ha, the real Roman actually said that too!"

-The creature turns out to be a giant scorpion!
"How big is it?"
"Largest than the biggest dog you can imagine."
"So, like a rhinocerous?"
"Huh? No!"
"Very small rhinos?"
"Just shut up!"

-"Right, the giant scorpion is dead."
"OK, change of plans. Everyone back to the UFOe."
"To level up the newbies!"

Unfortunately, this is where we had to stop, earlier than usual, because Heidi's player was tired, because he's sort of a pussy.

So, on that terrible disappointment, we'll have to see you next session!


Currently Smoking: Dunhill Amber Root Bulldog + C&D's Crowley's Best


  1. Heidi's player...We are done when I say we are done...[Insert Walter White image here]