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Thursday, 18 April 2019

DCC Campaign Update: I've Killed Closer and Better Team-Mates

In our last session, the PCs had headed back to the material plane, to the island of the Blue Elves, to try to retrieve the fourth of the five great Power Rings, needed in order to purify the now-corrupted Crown of Creation. Unfortunately, the hyper-advanced Blue Elves are not in a communicative mood, and tried to shoot down the PCs' ship. They landed on the mainland some distance from the island, and rested up long enough for the newbs to reach level one.


-"Now I'm a 1st level warrior!"
"And I'm a 1st level wizard."
"Wizards are always more trouble than they're worth."
"Yeah, I remember the Fishman; he totally wasn't worth it."

-"Now that you guys are 1st level, you don't have to listen to the Sky-Mexican Cleric anymore."
"Wait, the Sky-Mexican is still here?"

-"We should try to resurrect the Vegomagus."
"Even if you did, it would have to be the one from his 3rd level character sheet, since the 4th level sheet was burned up when the character died."
"Yeah, he'd be respawning from an earlier save."
"The joke's on you; the 3rd level Vegomagus was actually more useful!"
"It's true, he peaked early."

-"Hey don't you think the demon heart might be able to help here in some way?"

-"OK, let's go talk to the crazy murder-elves!"

-"We need to signal them with some kind of universal symbol of surrender..."
"Does anyone have a French flag?"

-"If the Blue Elves have a transmat on their roof, we could teleport a bunch of grenades there!"

-"Man, you'd think an Ancient would at least have a high INT modifier!"
"Hey, my INT is high, it's my WIS that sucks!"
"There's no Wisdom score in this game!"
"Maybe in your edition there isn't, but I'm an Ancient, from before the Disaster! We used different stats."
"Let me guess, your edition was Advanced?"
"You're goddamn right it was!"

-Rocky offers to help with a banner.
"Are you a bannerologist?"
"No, but I've done some banneronomy!"

-"So is the banner done?"
"Yes, take a look! On this side it says 'We want to kill you', and then on the other side 'is what we would say if we didn't want peace, but we do'!"
"You dolt."

-The party leaves their UFOe, and starts heading back toward the coast. They run into a Fire Elemental!
"Should I do something?"
"Beat it with your hammer!"
"No, that'll burn the hammer!"
"That'll be an extra benefit, yes."

-"Can I have a weapon too?"
"No, use your fists Rocky, you're magical!"
"But I never studied boxology!"

-The Fire Elemental being slain, they get to the coastline where they see some trenches. They find that the trenches are occupied by a tiny group of bedraggled Posh Elf soldiers.
"Oh yay, more people with accents..."
"At least their accents are real. Not like yours, Sky-Mexican!"
"Yes, no Mexican has ever spoken like that."

-The four Posh Elf soldiers are all that's left of an invasion force from one of the Floating Islands.
"We're the last of the last wave. We were part of the 52nd Tiddlywinkers Battalion, 3rd Expeditionary force."
"What happened to the other two?"
"The first expeditionary force was destroyed by the bloody blue elves' artillery. So we landed the second on the coastline, and that one was destroyed by short-range guns. Then Her Majesty  had us use all remaining resources to build another transport fleet and took all remaining reserves to land off in the desert. We marched here and built trenches."
"And the Blue Elves destroyed the fleet in the desert and then slaughtered most of the troops with their power armor."
"You guys suck. So why are you here?"
"We have no way to go back. Also, we lost contact with HQ several weeks ago; their last transmission mentioned something about a Sky-Nazi invasion. I guess in retrospect leaving the homeland defenseless was a bad idea."

-Heidi flies out to scout the Island.
"Hey... I can cast Sequester again!"
"OK, I do it."
"But Heidi is on the other side."
"Tell Heidi that he needs to give the password when he flies back: Bill Salamander."

-"I'm approaching the island."
"The Blue Elves launch 60 high explosive missiles at you.  Heidi is hit and falls in a fiery blaze into the water."
"I regret nothing!"

-"There's a whole battalion of Blue Elf power-armors headed right for you."
"The Wizard casts feather fall, to create the mercurial effect of a massive storm that will last for weeks."
"The Blue Elf power-armor forces are buffeted by the massive winds and start to retreat."

-"You think you see Heidi's corpse flailing around in the hurricane-force winds."
"Someone should go get him when the wind dies down. Wizard, how long will that take?"
"At least a week."

-"Damn, that wizard with his wind!"
"He's suddenly become our most powerful spellcaster!"

-Heidi miraculously survived!
"The wizard tries to take Heidi's sword again, but the rest of the party violently assault him!"

-The party decides to fuck off to Fuck Station Aleph, since the hurricane kind of prevents efforts to approach the Blue Elf Island. Bill casts planar step, but he gets an error, and the party ends up falling from the sky in vicinity to FSA.
"Quick, cast Feather Fall!"

-The party's flyers manage to rescue everyone and a Techno-Walrus shuttle picks them up.
"That was the worst teleport ever!"
"Well, the problem was that I didn't cast it in a bathroom."
"What kind of future is this?!"
"It's the one you created, Roman!"
"It's the darkest timeline!"

-"We still need to find and kill Priscilla."
"No one is killing Priscilla."
"I could, I've known her longer than anyone."
"True, Bill met her in, like, the second adventure of the whole campaign."
"Will you kill her?"
"I've killed closer and better team-mates."

-"You have to hand over all weapons for safe deposit while you're on FSA."
"What if one of our friends is controlled by his weapon and doesn't want to leave it?"
"Then he can't come into FSA."
"Don't worry, the trans-mutants weapon isn't intelligent."

-"Is a shovel a weapon?"
"Technically no."
"Once again, Ilsa's wisdom is profound."

-The party finally gets rid of their weapons, mostly, and since they arrived without a ship, they go get a room in a hotel. Not just any room, the Presidential Suite!
"It has an interactive holographic toilet!"
"Just like the Shithole!"

-The party starts going their own separate ways.
"Catboy, don't you think you'll be safer with us?"

-"Which way to the magic quarter?"
"Head down the Level 2 gallery, past the Orgasmatron."
"The what now?"

-"Roman can you modify the chameleon cloak to make me look like a human?"
"Catboy puts it on and now he looks like a blond haired blue eyed human."
"He looks like a Sky-Nazi!"
"He also has a sombrero."
"So he looks like the Sky-Mexican!"

-"So, Zeke, going to try the Orgasmatron?"
"No I won't. G.O.D. is my Orgasmatron."

-The party gets to the Curiosity Shoppe, in the magic quarter.
"Do you have... Angel Fluids?"

-Catboy finds a souvenir shop run by a Sky-Mexican, and discovers that this Sky-mexican, and possibly all Sky-Mexicans on the station (other than the Cleric) are secret Sky-Nazi agents.

-"I want to buy a jetpack!"
"Do you have any flying experience?"
"Well, then I'd suggest you get the Junior Flier Jetpack, with Woodland Creature Decorations."

-"Bill wants a jetpack too, but he's morbidly obese."
"Not to worry, we have a 'Gentleman of Measure' Jetpack."

-"I'm going to kill the Sky-Fuhrer myself!"
"Yeah, right.."
"Why not?"
"Nothing in your history indicates you could have that level of competency, Catboy."

-The Sky-Mexican Cleric gets himself arrested as part of a sting operation, and manhandled by a surly female security guard named Jolene.
"Not so rough!"
"You probably like it rough! We're gonna have fun tonight.. I haven't bathed in days!"

-Roman and Rocky had gone off by themselves, and also get in trouble. The PCs see 'Wanted' holos of their images.
"Goddamn it."

-Sami goes to the nightclub where Blitzkrieg Sakomano hangs out, hoping to find Space Bear, but apparently Blitzkrieg isn't on the station just now. But she does run into the blob-creature she'd slept with last time she was here, and she decides to sleep with him again.
"He's not Space Bear, but he'll have to do."

-"The Sky-Mexican is secretly a Sky-Nazi?!"
"Look, either he's an absolute master of deception, or the Sky-Nazis really need to increase the quality of their agents."

-Catboy tried to get help from the security forces to protect him from The Man Who Would Kill Catboy And Then The Sky-Fuhrer, and runs into the Sky-Mexican.
"What are you doing here, Catboy?"
"Talking to the security.."
"Snitches get stitches!"

-Bill's Phylactery is in the Plane of Color.
"What the hell is that? It sounds a bit Diversity-themed..."
"No, it's a demiplane that was connected to mood controls. Zargon lives there."
"Oh, shit."

-The Man is ready to take out the Catboy. He tries to trick the Catboy into spotting him, and then leading him to a bomb trap, but the Catboy evades.

-"Heidi is going to attack The Man."
"Bill, are you going to do something? You're actually an ally of The Man..."
"No, Jaludin said I didn't have to do anything, so I'm not going to do anything."
"Heidi severs The Man's arm."
"He literally disarmed The Man!"

-"After the bomb went off, most of the people in the gallery ran for their lives, except the people in the line up for the Orgasmatron."
"Heh, it's addictive!"

-Jaludin contacts Bill.
"Have you betrayed us!?"
"No, Catboy used Locate.  He had a scroll."
"If The Man doesn't kill the Catboy he won't kill Sezrekhan for us!"
"Well, I don't want that. I'm not a sky-nazi or anything!"

-"The Man draws a gun and fires at you, but the bullet seems to disappear. He screams 'nooooo'."
"What the fuck just happened?"
"Did he miss?"
"Hit or miss, I guess he never misses.."

-The Man tries to escape down a hidden service shaft. Heidi and Catboy fly after him.
"Heidi, fly faster!"
"We're already at terminal velocity.. we're probably all going to die...this is fun!"

-The Man shoots again, and hits Catboy right through the head!
"No! I'm going to kill him!"
"The Man teleports away."
"Oh well, I tried."

-Incredibly, the Catboy is still alive!
"I'm unkillable!"

-"Catboy sends a text message to The Man: 'I live, bitch!'"
"He writes back: 'see you soon'."
"I write back: 'fuck your dog'."

So that's it for today. Will The Man kill the Catboy? Will Catboy kill the Man? Are all Sky-Mexicans really just Sky-Nazi agents? Does Sky-Mexico even exist? Will the party ever get back to the main quest?  All these questions will probably not be answered next session, so stay tuned!


Currently Smoking: Ben Wade Canadian + McLintock's Syrian Latakia

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