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Saturday, 20 February 2016

DCC Campaign Archive: "There Will Be No Consequences Whatsoever!"

We had left of in the last session with our stalwart PCs deep inside the Dungeon of the Wish Parasite; seeking that mythical entity which (when swallowed) will allegedly grant you a single Wish.  The justification the group had for being there was the effort to use the wish to bring Alice, the young Ancient girl, back to life (after she had been brutally accidentally murdered by Bill the Elf). Of course, in fact almost everyone involved had a second wish in mind should they be the ones to get the parasite.

From there, now this happened:

-three new characters were created, that would show up shortly.  One was a Dwarven Ratcatcher, one was a Dwarven Freemason (which prompted "do they run the world?" and the response "its pretty obvious from the state of things that absolutely no one is running this world") and a "mutant" (actually, just a human who feels like a mutant in a human's body) who makes his living as a Fanfic writer.

-The player who ran "Ropework" the Wizard had to quit the group, at least for a while, due to real-life commitments.
"I'm going to miss Ropework.. he was so damn normal!"

-The PCs (more specifically, Chu) had liberated Orgluz the Poop Demon. "wouldn't be the first time someone named Chu released a load of stinking shit". Orgluz is apparently bound to serve Chu, and guides them toward where the Wish Parasite was located.

(do poop demons poop? Is that how they reproduce??)

-The first room they reach features a dead giant spider, with several 9mm slugs in it. They realize at this point that Arturo "Hot Rod" Rodriguez, the sloth disguised as an elf, is still very much alive and ahead of them on the trail of the parasite!

(sloth gangtas are a serious problem in the world of the Last Sun)

-Being aware of the possibility of confusion, Chu orders Orgluz to kill all elves AND sloths.

-There are some giant cave lizards. Chu retreats from the fight almost immediately, letting Orgluz do the fighting (Ack'basha doing his usual trick of casting sanctuary on himself and not giving a flying fuck about anyone else). Unfortunately, Orgluz's attack causes the lizards to flee, right toward Chu!

-Ack'basha casts darkness in the area of the lizards.  The Dwarves, meanwhile, decide they want to keep fighting: "Like Magic Missiles, we will charge at the darkness!"

-cue some debate on whether in DCC, infravision allows Dwarves to see in a Darkness spell-zone.

-The Dwarves speak in high-pitched squeaky voices, by the way, even though no other Dwarf in the entire campaign ever has thus far.

-"Those Dwarves sound like Halflings with Throat Cancer, or something!"

-The three newcomers are accepted into the party. But Ack'basha issues the stern warning that he'll cut the balls off of anyone who gets between him and that Wish Parasite.  Since pretty much everyone wants that parasite, it was probably a necessary alert.

-The party tries to follow it's longstanding tradition of bulking up the equipment of the newcomers, only this time they're very short on supplies.
"What can we give the newbs?"
"I have a dagger.."
"I have nothing."
"I have feces!"

-The group proceeds into what Orgluz warns is called the Chamber of Fire.
"It's basically a chamber, that sets you on fire."

-Luckily, Ack'basha knows "resist cold and heat".  He protects everyone except Orgluz, who is immune to normal fire, but comes out of the chamber smelling like hot shit.

-The Human/Mutant-Otherkin knows Ack'basha, not just because the cleric is already fairly famous, but because he's personally written a slash fanfic of Ack'basha and Bill the Elf.

(actual fanfiction quote)

-The party then enters the Pagoda of Air and Water, where they have to face a flying animated metal warrior.

-They are told that the Pagoda is actually a trap, containing a False Wish Parasite that's poisonous. There, they find the corpse of "Hot Rod" Rodriguez, who clearly was not privy to that information.

-As they're crossing a rickety wooden bridge out of the pagoda and toward the location of the TRUE Wish Parasite, Orgluz the Poop Demon betrays the party! It turns out he was just faking being bound to Chu.

-The Dwarves try to stop him by throwing their melee weapons at him, even though the span of the underground river that separates them guarantees that all their weapons will end up in the water.

-With nothing he can do, the Fanfic Writer starts to write fanfic about the situation, writing himself in as a Mary Sue.

(Shut up, Wesley)

-"These Dwarves are like Village idiots or something!"
"We were exiled!"

-to try to catch up to Orgluz, Ack'basha uses divine aid to part the waters, all Moses-like.

-They reach the grotto of the Wish Parasite, finding it to be a small worm-like creature in a jar, shouting as loudly as its little voice allows: "Eat me! Please eat me! I'll grant your fondest wish! There will be no consequences whatsoever!!"

(a little too friendly...)

-Orgluz, injured but still kicking (or stinking) has the jar, but Ack'basha pulls it out of his hand with Jedi-like powers.

-Chu considers a betrayal. "You should totally betray him, he's not expecting it"
"oh, Ack'basha is totally expecting it!"
"Right now Ack'basha is totally expecting to be betrayed by absolutely everyone.."

-Orgluz screams something about 'his precious' and charges the PCs!

-"can I turn the water on him into holy water again?"
"no, he hasn't got any water left on him, only shit; and ironically there's no such thing in this setting as Holy Shit"

-Fortunately for the group, Orgluz was already quite damaged, and the party destroys him. One of the Dwarves tackles him down and pummels him to death with a rock. His dying words are "all I wanted was to be beautiful!!"

-The Wish Parasite is increasingly distressed by its lack of being digested "will SOMEBODY please eat me??!"

-Ack'basha swallows the Parasite, and wishes for G.O.D to be restored.
"But what about bringing Alice back to life?"
"I don't really give a fuck about Alice."

-Shortly after his wish, Ack'basha feels great intestinal distress, followed by his apparently pooping out a rainbow. The rainbow, in the same voice as the parasite, cries out "I'm freeeee!"

-Ack'basha also permanently loses 3 points of Luck. "I lied.. there were consequences!!"

-Ackbasha's tablet suddenly changes screen from the constant "Emergency!" sign to a blue screen saying "Rebooting... installing updates... 5 minutes remaining... 12 hours remaining... 17 minutes remaining..."

-the tablet finally reboots into a screen that says "Initiating Apocalypse Mode"
"well... that can't be good!"

-The group decides to make their way out of the dungeon to see if the world has changed any, and to try to find out just what "apocalypse mode" is. Along the way, they run into a pair of living statues.  One of the dwarves tries to run for it, and is quickly cut down. The other dwarf dies shortly thereafter, thus ending the menace of having to face several more sessions of ridiculous dwarf voices.

-the fight is happening on a flight of stairs. Chu fumbles his attack, trips, rolls down the stairs into the statue, knocking it down and shattering it.
"Best fumble ever!"

-"my fanfiction writer is a pacifist"
"well, that could change"
"no, I'm not going to make him into another Vishal!"
"You know there's a large range between 'total pacifist' and 'psychotic mass-murderer', right?"

-"the Dwarves are dead! What do we do?"
"Loot them!"

-"This is Bolt-0, he's a robot necromancer"

-Bolt-0 isn't sure, but he strongly suspects the "Apocalypse Mode" is going to kill every living thing that doesn't match up to G.0.D.'s criteria of purity, including every last mutant, most monsters, pretty well everything except for probably humans, dwarves, elves and MAYBE halflings.

-"So you've destroyed the world, Ack'Basha... you know, I'm pretty sure Bill is not the asshole anymore!"

-"How could we revive Alice to stop the Apocalypse Protocol?"
"Well, you could use a wish parasite.. oh yeah, I ate the last one!"

-"You're responsible for genocide!"
"Yes, but it's genocide for the greater good"

-The communication scroll to contact the Presbyterian Council is not working; either something has gone wrong with the magic, or the entire Presbyterian Council is dead.  Naturally, the PCs assume the latter.

-"So we're stuck here in the sharp mountains. Do we even have food?!"

-"You have too destroyed the world, Ack'basha! That's what the word 'apocalypse' means!"
"It actually just means 'revelation'".
"That useless factoid brought to us by Chu".

To get out of the mountains, the PCs decide to use magic to contact the Azure Order; who do indeed teleport the PCs out... and right into a magical binding circle.  Their first question to Ack'basha is "What did you do?!!", suggesting they've already heard about the Apocalypse Protocol.

That's all for this time.  Next time, the Apocalypse Protocol!


Currently Smoking: Neerup Poker + Gawith's Winter Flake


  1. Well, that escalated quickly while Bill or I were not there.

    Some Daemon is not gonna be happy.

    I foresee the avalanche of bullshit Bill will have to come up with to get out of this major fuck up.

    Looking forward to next Sunday :)