The new and improved defender of RPGs!

Thursday 23 March 2017

DCC Campaign Archive: Dutchmen Just Show Up

When we left off, Bill was nerding out in the library, blissfully unaware that many of the other PCs had just survived the bomb implanted in Teal by the Guardian Robots (Teal didn't survive).  Now the secret of the Guardians' plans to kill all humans (and mutants) was out, and the PCs decided to warn the people and gather together the High Council of Wizards.

This was also the 4th anniversary of our campaign.


-"Celebrating 4 years of the DCC campaign escalated quickly into cake-buying!"

-Everyone watches Teal/Mu's player carefully to see if he eats cake as weirdly as he eats pasta.

-Mu's player asks the Pundit to make a ruling on Psychic powers.
"I'm torn. On the one hand, if Pundit gives Mu what he wants, that might someday benefit one of my characters. On the other hand, it would benefit Mu, so..."

-Pundit rules on it.
"I like that ruling! It might someday help my future characters, but it doesn't really help Mu!"

-"It's too bad Teal died.."
"Is it though?"

-"I'm cool, I'm in the library. I don't give a shit"
"Yes, but you need 2.6 more days to actually learn your spell."
"yeah, so?"
"You need the city of Lol to still exist for another 54 hours or so."
"Oh, shit."

-"OK, but technically, Bill doesn't need to be in Lol, right? He just needs the books..."

-Malaprex the Violent and Uncle Roman are whispering to each other.
"It's Ok, I trust Roman, he's family!"

-"Do you really think Bolt-1 and the Guardian Robots could hope to defeat the council's combined power?"
"I have INT 7; I don't really think that much about anything."

-"You see, BOLT-0 cannot perform magic because of his big claw hands. So he made BOLT-1, who can."
"...why didn't he just make new hands?!"
"He has mysterious ways."

-Malaprex confides with the PCs that he thinks Lol is doomed, and he really just wants to steal everything he can and get the fuck out of Dodge.

-The Guardians decapsulate Morris.
"Just relax, man."

"Ok, well, I know he fucked this green mutant witch-queen in the Shithole."

"Well, did you know he only has one testicle?"

-"Why are you lying about me to robots!?"

-The Guardian Robots explain to Morris how Teal was blown to bits when they implanted a bomb in him, but failed to kill Bill the Elf.
"Why are you telling me this?"
"..OK, sure!"

-in all this, Heidi had been on his way to Bellmunster's tower, when he was attacked in an alley by a group of vicious cats with paralyzing bites and the ability to sprout wings. They flew his paralyzed body to a tower, whose inner architecture had the form of an enormous cat-palace.

-Heidi is revived by Fluffy the Cat, archwizard of the High Council.

-He speaks telepathically, through his human, who is held in a human-sized carrying-cage.
"Tell me, Heidi... what do you most desire?"
"To save the people of Lol!"
"Such a selfless desire... this is odd for someone who chooses to travel with Bill the elf!"
"I never really got a choice."

-"Heidi didn't choose the Bill Life, the Bill Life chose him!"

-"I have an offer for Bill, to defeat Sezrekhan and keep his current level of power."
"Not interested."

-Heidi is allowed to leave, through the exit, which consists of an enormous brass door with a large cat-flap.

-Malaprex, Roman and the humans are in the sewers, trying to find another entrance into the turbolifts leading to the spacedocks, because the regular terminal is flooded with panicking crowds trying to escape the city. In the sewers, they run into a blob-creature, which malaprex promptly shoots to pieces.
"You know, that might just have been like, an alien guy."
"I don't care."

-Next, they run into a group of frog-people.

-"I guess you guys can come with us; welcome to the mercenary life."
"We are not mercenaries. We are freedom-fighters."
"well, we fight for economic freedom..."
"Economic freedom is a fundamental Kekistani value!"

-Having failed to use Heidi as a messenger, Fluffy the Cat sends a messenger-cat to Bill, in the Library. The cat explains to Bill that the city is on the verge of total chaos.
"Man, when did things start to go so wrong?"
"I'm pretty sure it was Bill's first adventure."

-Mu was looking for Bill, and gets to the library entrance after making his way past frantic mobs and rioters. There, he meets Grizlor the Library-Receptionist Wizard.
"I'm looking for Bill the Elf. I'm a wizard!"
"Are you his apprentice?"
"I was, until he left me stuck in the Shithole."
"Is that what the young people are calling it these days?"

-"Do you know what's going on out there, Grizlor? Aren't you going to run for it?"
"No. I was born in this library, and I'll die in this library."

-"The library is very large. It's larger on the inside. I'll get a page to guide you to Bill."
"Like, an animated page from a book?"
"No, just a servant."

-The page and Mu walk in on Bill stuffing books into his Breifcase of Holding, having been warned about the eminent potential destruction of Lol.  The cat-messenger was acting as his lookout, but Bill totally ignored his warning mews.

-"Theft!! Theft!!"
Bill Planar Steps out of there.

-Mu is pissed.
"That asshole of my former master left with a bunch of books."
"wah wah my ex is an asshole, he left me in the Shithole... man up, dude."

-"So is this place defended?"
"Not really, but I trust that the council will take care of these problems shortly."
"You're fucked dude, I'm out of here."

-Morris has been freed by the Guardian Robots.
"Is there any shooting happening?"
"no, though you hear shooting in the distance."
"That's music to Morris' ears."

-"Is my credit still good?"
"Well, most of the city is on fire, so no."

-Morris was left near the library, and he sees Mu coming out, all pissed. A bit later, both see this thing that looks vaguely like The Predator come out of the library.
"I'm betting that's something that's been sent to hunt down Bill for stealing books. Let's follow it!"

-Heidi gets to the outside of Bellmunster's tower, only to run into a crowd of people who have become Sezrekhan-zombies. He manages to bluff them by walking past them with the same blank stare repeating "all is Sezrekhan".

-Bellmunster's Owlbear Butler opens the door to the tower.
"All is.. er, I mean, I need to talk to your master."

-Bellmunster has other animals servants: a duck cook, disney-style animated brooms, and dire-weasel guards.
"Dire weasels are the deadliest predators of Bellmunster's tower!"

-Bellmunster is trying to get the wizards together to do an assault on the Guardian Robots' HQ, now that the Guardians have started to come out and Exterminate people. While Heidi waits, Bellmunster has a platypus in a doctor's outfit give him a healing potion.

-Roman, Malaprex, the frogmen and the humans had originally joined a merchant to get to his merchant ship, but then they set their minds on a much more impressive Grey Realms Transdimensional Mercenary Cruiser. Only, it's got a protective force field defense system that's disintegrated anyone who comes near it. Roman thinks he's figured out how to disrupt it; but to test it, they throw the merchant toward the ship. The merchant gets disintegrated.
"Hmmm... give me a sec."

-They try again, for which purpose the Blacksmith shanghais a random organge mutant. This time, the disruption worked!
"We're good!"
"I helped!"
"Yes, you did. Welcome to the exciting life of a mercenary!"

-"Yes Heidi, for getting past the Sezrekhan crazies, you get 1 XP. Which is more than any of you have gained in the last two sessions."

-"This has been a very interesting adventure, but not big on XP."
"Yeah, we haven't had many fights for the last while."
"Just you fucking wait!"

-Inside the mercenary cruiser, the Blacksmith and the Kekistanis raid the armory. The Blacksmith gets himself a top-of-the-line Exoarmor with a jet pack attachment. The farmer gets aquapants.
"What the fuck are aquapants?"
"They're pants that look like they're made out of water. Grey Realm beings are weird."

-While following the Predator, Morris & Mu find a giant hamster (about the size of a pig). It appears to be someone's pet, who was set free before they fled. Morris feeds it some peanuts, and Mu decides to take it with him.
"What are you doing with that thing??"
"I need love!"

-"I'm going to blow the Horn of Dutchmen"
"One sec, I have to look up just how that works again.."
"I'm pretty sure that Dutchmen just show up."
"...Yup, you're right."

-"You know, we could use this mercenary cruiser's dimensional drive to.. well, no, that would be a bad idea."
"A bad idea, Uncle Roman? Tell me more!"
"Well, we could try to make a short jump inside the dome that covers Lol."
"You really think that's a better idea?"
"Well, define 'better'."

-"If this doesn't work, will we all die?"
"I like those odds!"

-Heidi tells Bellmunster about Roman Beckett. Bellmunster decides that he will find him on his cystal ball, and teleport him over. He finds Roman working on his calculations in the ship.
"Should we take anyone else?"
"Yeah, take those two human guys with him."

-Roman and the humans are teleported to Bellmunster's tower. Seconds later they can see the flash of light in the sky as Malaprex and the Kekistanis take off, abandoning them.
"son of a bitch!"
"Well, there goes the exciting life of a mercenary."

-"I've brought you here Roman, because Heidi says you know a great deal about the Guardian Robots. You may be our only chance to defeat them."
"And why were we brought here?!"
"Heidi felt the two of you might also be useful."
"That's a fucking lie! You KNOW we're useless!"

-Bill gets to Fluffy's tower, but runs into Myla and the resistance. Bill agrees he'll help them to wipe out the Guardians (mostly just to shut the resistance up) but that first he has to go to the tower. Myla insists on going with him.
"I don't trust you!"
"Why not? I love genocide!"

-"I suppose I don't have much choice. But if you betray us, I will get you back!"
"Hey, I betray a LOT of people. But you never know, you might just be the lucky one!"

-Not allowed to follow Bill into Fluffy's sanctum, Myla comes back out just in time to see Morris, Mu, and the "Predator".
"Where's Bill?"
"He's inside."
"I'm here to kill him!"

-The Predator can't seem to enter the Tower, either due to wards, or its magical programming. So Mu steps up to the door and knocks. A cat comes out of the catflap.
"Is Bill here?"
"Can I come in?"
"Can you give him something from me?"
"This pinless grenade?"
"Oh. Ok, then I'll wait for him here."

-Bellmunster and Roman set up a plan whereby they'll teleport inside the Guardian HQ and sabotage the Guardian's communications network.
"Well, good luck with that, guys!"
"We should all go!"
"...fuck you, Heidi."
"you can go if you want, dude, but not me."
"We should take them all, Bellmunster. Random cannon fodder was very useful to me last time I was in the Guardian's base."
"'re becoming my least favorite uncle."

-"Don't worry, I've been against worst odds."
"I haven't."
"Oh.. well, in that case you'll probably die."

-Bill meets Fluffy.
"Welcome, Bill the elf! The city of Lol is doomed!"
"That's too bad, the brains were pretty cool."
"Yes, I also like brains."
"Um, I meant in the mausoleum, the brains of deceased archwizards."
"...Yes... that's what I meant as well..."

-"Man, I would have liked for Bill to hang out with Emirikol."
"I think one Bill per era is more than enough."
"Zero is really the ideal."

-"You must see by now, Bill the elf, there is no purpose in serving Sezrekhan anymore. You could serve MY master instead: Rataxes the Imprisoned."
"Could we free him?"
"That is the idea. Together, we could free him."
"Yes! That sounds totally awesome!"

-Fluffy explains that he is not only the diabolist in the High Council, he's also the one who's responsible for the Hippomagus' disappearance; having tricked him into going to get a powerful artifact called the Sunstaff and then imprisoning him.
"But.. you're not going to trick me, are you?"
"Of course not!"
"Ok, cool."

-According to Fluffy, Rataxes (if liberated) could use the Sunstaff to pierce the Crown of Creation itself, kill Sezrekhan, and take the place of G.O.D.
"But then wouldn't we have the same problem as with Sezrekhan"
"No. He would not wish to assimilate all into himself like Sezrekhan does. He would want to rule over the world and plunge it into eternal darkness."

-"So he's a sadist, not a narcissist. Cool!"
"The 'darkness eternal' thing isn't sending any warning signs to you?"

-"So, after we conquer the world, we can still go adventuring, right?"
"... we, the loyal servants of Rataxes, would RULE the world! There would be no need to adventure!"
"But, then what would we do all the time?"
"Torture lesser creatures, eat, sleep, groom our fur, many things!"
"So, stuff cats do all the time..."

-Bill takes a look out the window of the tower, sees that Morris is still down there.
"Hey, Morris!"
"Hey, Bill!"
"Tell the rest of the group... goodbye!"

-"Bill, wait... can I go with you? Look at my puppy-dog eyes!"
"sorry, no time!"

-"So, are we ready to teleport to the Guardian Headquarters?"
"Remember, even if we die, what we do today we do for the city of Lol, and the High Council of wizards!"
"Screw you, you bearded asshole!"

-In spite of the Farmer and the Blacksmith wanting nothing to do with it, they (along with Bellmunster, Roman, and Heidi) teleport into the Guardian Headquarters.
"Now what?"
"We need to get in that room, guarded by two of the robots.  We can use the farmer as a distraction."
"Don't worry, we'll rescue you."
"Why did you just laugh as you said that??"
"It was nervous laughter."

-After the farmer provided a distraction, the rest of the team broke into the control room. While Roman frantically tried to hack the communications system, Bellmunster and the PCs were forced to hold off oncoming Guardian Robots. Bellmunster demonstrates his awesome wizardly power, but he's also quickly taking hits (hits that would have killed any lesser mortal). The blacksmith hides behind a panel. Heidi shoots his gun at the robots, knowing full well his bullets can't actually hurt them, and counting on the robots ignoring him and hitting Bellmunster instead.

-Roman gets control of the Comms, and issues the order that all the Guardian Robots should move immediately to the main entry hall of the HQ. Bellmunster prepares to teleport the other PCs out.
"but... you're staying?"
"Don't fear for me. I will finish them, and survive."
"I wasn't really fearing for him, but I'll let him think I was. I'm actually thinking about looting his tower if he dies."

-Bellmunster teleports the team outside, near the market. In the distance they can see massive signs of damage from the epic battle the rest of the Council members (those who answered Bellmunster's call, that is) had with the Guardians.
"I wonder if any of them are still alive?"

-Just then, the Guardian's Headquarters explodes in a massive fireball! Bellmunster clearly used some serious spellburn to blow up all the Guardians after hacking them to gather in one place... but did he live?

-Finally, Bill and Fluffy teleported themselves to another high-orbit asteroid, a seemingly uninhabited one called Gebo.
There, they see a large black monolith.
"Within, we shall find our destiny."

-"I hope Bill gets the AIDS."

That's it for this session. Who on the council survived? Is Bellmunster alive? Has the threat of the Guardian Robots been stopped? Will Bill and Fluffy free yet another universe-threatening demon?

Stay tuned for these and other exciting developments in our next session!


Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best


  1. You know, reading these reports is like watching a less coherent, more insane version of Adventure Time. Thank you for the many hours of entertainment!

    1. Glad you like them! The adventures are only very slightly more coherent in person.

  2. Barely make sense 😉

    Tnx Pundit for the countless amazing adventures and good times.

    Sez lives!