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Monday 17 September 2018

DCC Campaign Update: The Hippomagus Goes Commando

In the last session, the PCs were abandoning Fuck Station Aleph, with the general plan to get back to the Sun and finally proceed to the Crown of Creation and face off with Sezrekhan. When they got back to the Superfly II, they found a trio of stowaways.


-"OK, let's kill Sezrekhan!"
"That's super-optimistic of you."

-"It's probably more like 'let's get Sezrekhan angry'."
"Let's send Sezrekhan an angry letter."
"Let's send Sezrekhan a respectfully-worded letter strongly suggested he change his policy."
"Let's send him a critical review!"

-"Dear Sezrekhan, just to let you know, we think what you're doing is not the best thing, unless you really think it is."

-"Why don't we just escape to another Sun?"
"What part of 'LAST Sun' is hard for you to understand?"

-"Really it shows the lack of forethought on the part of the Ancients, that they waited until there was only one Sun left to get the hell out of the dead universe."

-"So the Crown of Creation is like the OS of the universe?"
"It's like Linux."
"Given the state of things, it's more like Windows Vista."

-"This campaign is super with it, making jokes about Vista."

-The three stowaways are led by the Posh Elf Pilot, Theodore; they are trying to get out of Fuck Station Aleph because Theodore owes a ton of credits to a loan shark named Borgo the Decapitator.

-"You look like the guy in charge."
"Sami's a woman."
"Sorry I'm an elf, you all look alike."
"No, it's just you. Posh Elves can tell the difference between male and female humans."
"They can tell the difference, but I hear a lot of Posh Elves don't really care."

-"Get out of here."
"No, wait! We could use them. We're about to an incredibly dangero-- um, FUN place, and they could come with us!"

-"Heidi, you do feel better now, but the Superfly II's toilets have been totally destroyed."

-Deciding to avoid having to confront Blitzkrieg, Laquanda and Space Bear over the destroyed latrine, the party teleports up to the Sun, taking the three newbies with them.
"Hey, where's Republican Jesus?"
"In the Hydroponics lab. He's really gotten dedicated to that place."

-"How high are you right now, RJ?"
"Man, I'm so high right now that I think I'm on the Sun!"

-"I'm going to get the three newbies some supplies from RJ's armory."
"Because if there's one thing we need, it's a heavily-armed hobo."

-Catboy heads to Anema's room, where she's been sleeping with Bort. He's trying to act extra-pathetic to win her back. But Bort is super-pathetic too, so it's quite the contest.
"I lie down on my back and show her my belly."
"That.. I think that's just too pathetic, Catboy. Man, I need to re-assess my life. Get out, both of you!"

-Sami tries to use Divine Aid to de-program Lady Halcon to free her from the power of the Halconlords, but the tablet says "Upgrading to All Is Sezrekhan in 30, 29, 28..."
"Damn it! I break the tablet."

-The Hippomagus' corpse was being kept in a cryo-tube in the Resurrection Room. Sami puts the Magic Wafer in the Hippomagus' mouth, and for a moment it looks like nothing's going to happen, until suddenly he bolts up, vigorously alive!
"..can I have my clothes back please?"

-"How's my young apprentice?"
"Well... um..."

-Vizi and RJ are making a huge bong out of a trash can, and the hobo is helping. The Scottish Mutant Sky-sailor and the Posh Elf Pilot sneak away trying to escape wherever they are, suspecting (Correctly) that their lives are in dire peril. They wander into Korean Jesus' office, but he's not there because he went to get spare tablets for Sami. Catboy spots them there.
"What is this place?"
"It's Korean Jesus' office."
"Where's he?"
"He probably had Korean stuff to do."

-Sami and the Hippomagus arrive.
"Is the Hippomagus still naked?"
"I take a picture to add to my Cringe Compilation."

-Catboy gives the Hippomagus back his robes.
"No underwear... the Hippomagus goes commando!"
"I like how he rolls!"

-"The Vegomagus is dead."
"I thought you said he was stable?!"
"Well, he's very stable now."
"I have failed him as a teacher."
"No! Don't think that. You failed him in a lot of ways!"

-Catboy had made the mistake of talking about Roman being a daemon and their plan to thwart him while he was in Bort's presence. Bort goes and squeals to Roman.
"Damn it, Catboy, I told you to kill Bort!"

-With her new Tablet, Sami succeeds in deprogramming Lady Halcon, turning her back into Sandy.
"What... the... fuck?!"
"Heidi runs away from her down the corridor, and then asks if she's OK?"

-Sandy confronts Roman.
"I'm going to tear you to pieces, Daemon!"
"Now hold on... you remember what we have to do, right?"
"I'm thinking of just killing everyone!"

-"Heidi can you put me on speaker phone with Sandy?!"
"No, Sami, that would require getting dangerously close to her."

-"Fuck it, I'm Zargon."

-Vizi and Replublican Jesus have completed their garbage-can-bong when they hear Sami and Roman/Zargon's arguments over the speaker.
"Shit's going down!"
"Do we have to go?"
"Yeah, I think so?"
"Can we carry the can?"
"You carry it, I'll carry this rocket launcher."
"Wait, the hobo can carry the bong."
"The hobo has flashbacks from the war."

-"There's a mexican stand-of between Roman, Sandy and Republican Jesus."
"The hell it is! This is an AMERICAN stand off!"

-"Where's Mongo?"
"Korean Jesus put him in Korean Daycare.."
"You know that 'Korean Daycare' is just a storage container and a pot of kimchi, right?"

-"Grandad, you have to listen to me. I'm really your grandson, and I'm really from the future. And in my future, the world is a utopia compared to this. Zargon wins, and he starts to set the whole world right. People like you and me rule over the people and have brought order back to the world. Well, people like me; you're long dead."

-"You're a dead man too, Harry!"
"You know he's your grandson, right?"
"He's WHAT?"

-"We're only making Sandy more furious! Everyone stop talking, especially the Catboy!"

-"You really are Zargon?"
"And you're really the Hippomagus?"
"Yes I am."
"And I'm Catboy."
"I don't know who that is."

-Anema arrives and stops the Mexican/American Standoff, on the condition that Zargon is leaving to the Crown of Creation. Sandy is convinced to first go with the whole group to stop Sezrekhan and later she can decide if she kills everyone in the party. They head to the teleportation room.
"Well guys, good luck!"
"You're coming with us, Bort."
"Huh? Oh, no I.. I have to stay here, to protect Anema."
"The hell with that, grab him!"

-"OK, Hippomagus, activate the teleporter."
"OK! Planar Step!!...hang on, I'll try again."
"Oh for fuck's sake."
"I missed that!"

-"You guys are flying at incredible speed in astral form through a tunnel of light!"
"For most of us, it's the trip of a lifetime; for Vizi it's Tuesday."

-They fly out of the tunnel, across what looks like a snowy wasteland, and materialize in the basement of a little house in a little town. There's an old bearded guy there at a table, working on what looks like some cartography on squared paper.
"Is this the Crown of Creation?"
"It can't be. We must be at the halfway point, the center of creation."
"Hello folks! My name's Gary and I'm... *rolls dice* glad to meet you!"
"We're in the Plane of Wisconsin."

-After explaining their mission to Gary, he confirms their authorization from the Sun, and beams then on their way. At long last, they arrive at the Crown of Creation!
"Finally.. the Crown!"
"Everyone avoid looking at Zargon's massive erection."

-"Good. We're here. Now let's go kill everything."
"Is it just me, or is Sandy even MORE violent now that she's not a Halcon Lord anymore?"
"I think I made a huge mistake."

-The part of the Crown where they materialize is a place full of ambient light, holy music, and they seem to be walking on misty clouds. They walk in the direction of a pair of Pearly Gates, and there's a strange man guarding the gate. He's got a thick mustache, small wire-rimmed glasses, a sort of cowboy-hat, and riding breeches.
"Hey, I recognize that guy, there's a mountain with his giant head carved on it back in the Shithole."
"It's Teddy Roosevelt, isn't it?"
"Of course it is."

-"My name is Catboy."
"No, Catboy."
"He sounds disappointed."

-"We need to get to the Throne of Creation, to stop Sezrekhan, he's taken over G.O.D."
"Sezrekhan? So that's why everyone has been acting so strange around here lately!"
"Will you help us?"
"You look like a ragtag bunch of lunatics!  You remind me of my Roughriders; so let's go!"
"You're coming with us?"
"Why not? Bully!"
"Do you have weapons?"
"I don't need any weapons; I've got my two fists... and this gun! Let's go!"

-They get past the Pearly Gates, and see a vast field with at least hundreds of Angels, all of them entranced, chanting "All is Sezrekhan"!
"See? Something peculiar is happening here!"
"And you're figuring this out just now?"

-"Are the spirits of the dead here too?"
"No. Most of the spirits of the dead go to the Nether Regions, while the heroic dead go to Wisconsin."
"I'd like to go to Wisconsin."
"We were just there!"
"Yeah, where we met Gary Gygax, remember?"
"That was Gary Gygax?"
"really, Catboy?!"

-They get to a wall with a golden gate, which leads to the Throne of Creation; there's also a cage, in which Nikos is trapped. Sezrekhan is there, on the Throne, surrounded by six Archangels all chanting 'All is Sezrekhan'. There's a pillar of light inside which is a trapped humanoid figure.
"That's the Libram of the Ten Spheres he has resting on the Throne!"
"We could sell that!"

-Sezrekhan attacks first, starting with a massive spell of conversion to sezrekhan zombies.
"ALL is Sezrekhan!"

-Incredibly, most of the PCs save. He also fires off a couple of other big spells but doesn't do enough damage to drop anyone, in what is an immense stroke of luck for the PCs.
After that, Heidi attacks, making an incredible maneuver to dive past the protective Archangels and straight at Sezrekhan, where he criticals, doing massive battle-rage extra damage in his attack with the special Daemon-killing Sword that they'd found inside the monolith in the floating Island of Geb.
"I do 496 points of damage."
"Well fuck me, you decapitate Sezrekhan in one round."

-Heidi then flies for Nikos' cage, trying to stab Nikos through it, but instead the sword hits some kind of force field, but with enough force to cause the field and the cage to shatter.
"Hey, you free me! Thanks to you very much!!"

-Seeing this, Sandi immediately charges at Zargon, but he evades the same fate as Sezrekhan, and on his turn lets out massive volleys of Magic Missiles that drops both Heidi and Sandi, leaving both potentially dead.
"Your turn Catboy."
"I'm still invisible, and I sneak attack Zargon. I do 27 points of damage."
"Ok, you barely scratch him."

-It's Bort's turn.
"This is the moment that heroes are made of!"
"Bort runs away."

-Captain Harry runs over to Sandi, but she's dead.
"Oh shit, he's starting to fade away."
"Bollocks, I don't feel so good..."

-"Save my future, Zargon!!..."
"I will."
"This is funny.. ahahahahaa...."

-Harry vanishes, and Sami starts to pray to get Zargon off the Crown of Creation.
"Almighty G.O.D. we're really trying to help you here so teleport Zargon to some other plane!!"
"Your tablet crashes in a Blue Screen of Death."
"What the hell?"
"Is the tablet Korean Jesus gave you a Korean knock-off?"
"It's a Somsung."
"Or a FONY."

-Teddy explains things.
"Your tablet won't work little lady! The Throne of Creation is vacant!"
"Damn. Wait, can I sit on it?"
"You could, but you'd explode after a few seconds, it's more than any mortal vessel can bear."
"In that case I won't sit there."

-Just when things are looking grim, the door to the Throne room gets kicked open, and a guy with a bad mullet and a big gun covered in holy sigils walks in.
"Hello. My name is Zeke Bodean.  I'm here to do Scriptural Archeology and kill Daemons. And I'm all out of Scripture."

-Zeke fires his Holy Plasma Gun and almost takes out Zargon in one shot!

-The six Archangels have snapped out of their Sezrekhan-chance now that he's been decapitated.
"Oh shit, anyone who's not human, run!"

-Zargon takes out a couple of the Archangels, and then fires a magical blast at Nikos.
"Hey, I will counterspell you!"

-Roman also fires a blast at Zeke but his blast is stopped by a magical force field.
"Amulet of Jehosafat, bitch!"

-After Nikos' counterspell, he casts spells at random, bringing Sandy back to life (which in turn brings Harry back into reality), and repairing his former cage for no particular reason.

-Teddy Roosevelt has had enough of Zargon, so he beats Zargon into unconsciousness and then shoots him through the head.

-"You guys have to run, or the Celestials will kill you!"
"Um, Sami, remember there's hundreds of Celestials outside too?"
"Oh shit..."

-Lenny stands in front of the Archangels.
"STOP! Don't hurt my friends!"
They run right past him, ignoring him completely.
"Heidi's down and probably dead, so I'm sorry but I'm going to have to be the one to say this: you're useless Lenny!"

-"Run, Hippomagus!"
"No, wait, I have to free G.O.D., he must be in that column! Dispel Magic!!... hold on, I'll try again!"

-Nikos teleports himself onto the Throne of Creation!
"OK, now thank you very much for saving Nikos and for the kill of those two assholes!"

-"I think we should probably just let Nikos stay on the Throne of Creation."
"But... I have come all this way to restore G.0.D. to his glory."
"The last time someone tried that he tried to wipe out all life on the material plane."
"Yes, but, you're a great and wise cleric, ma'am, surely you can supplicate him to ease his wrath?"
"Let me try to explain some things to you, Zeke..."
"OK, ma'am, I'm listening, but I should note that your arm over my shoulder is causing sinful thoughts in my heart."

-"You are a good and holy cleric, and I have always trusted good and holy clerics."
"Um... sure..."

-Bort has survived, spending most of the fight hiding on the floor.
"I can't believe I defeated Sezrekhan!!"
"Catboy backstabs Bort."
"Everyone sees it, and none of us do anything to stop that."

-With some help from the three newbies (who are doing it for the XP), Catboy murders Bort after a short bitchfight.
"You very heroically killed Bort."
"Don't tell Anema!"
"I absolutely will."

-"I feel terrible for being so useless in this fight. Also, I wonder what would happen if I ate a daemon?"
"I was wondering the same thing!"
"Whatever you do, don't eat his dick!"
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Vizi?"
"I think that's obvious."

-Harry is alive, but not happy.
"My future was a utopia compared to this, and you destroyed it!"
"Eh, Law is overrated."

-The party leaves Nikos on the Throne of Creation to keep the status quo as it is. They head back to the Sun after saying goodbye to Teddy Roosevelt.
"Good luck youngsters, Bully!"

-Back on the Sun, the crew starts to make plans.
"Well, Sandy, are you going to kill us all?"
"No. I'm going to go back to my former territories and kill all the Halconlords I find, and once more become Queen Sandy the Destroyer."

-"Hey, what happened to Pertinax?"
"He's here in the Sun, but he's completely insane."
"They probably put him in Korean Daycare."

-Sami uses Divine Aid to heal Pertinax, sort of. He's still deranged but just barely functional at least.
"What will we do with him now?"
"I will take him with me, to Highbay. The wizard may prove useful to me in reconquering my territory."
"OK. Good luck! Maybe we'll visit you sometime."
"I hope I never see any of you again."

-Once Sandy and Pertinax are gone, there's the question of what to do with Captain Harry.
"I have no purpose anymore. My future is gone."
"We'll give you a gun with 1 bullet and you do the rest."

-The Hippomagus is going back to Lol, to try to set things right there.
"Captain Harry you could come with me! You want to make the world better, and Lol was a good place once... maybe you can try to make this world better."
"Alright, I'll go with you Hippomagus."
"I might call on the rest of you for help sometime."
"And we might not answer, Hippomagus!"

-"Zeke, where are you going to go?"
"Sezrekhan probably still has a phylactery. I am going to try to destroy it. And, I'm going to kill Bill the Elf."
"Oh, well, then you may want to stick around, because we're going to try to find Bill and maybe use him to get to Sezrekhan's Plane."
"Alright then, I'll stay with you, and put off killing Bill if he's useful to us."

-"Well... I guess it's time for you guys to send me away now, huh?"
"Never, Lenny! You're part of our permanent group!"
"Really? Oh gee, that's great, thanks!"
"Besides, who else would want you?"

-Anema wants the PCs to leave the sun immediately, but Sami compromises all of her own values by hooking her back up with Catboy, so they can stay on the Sun and heal for a week.
"This is why I don't have any female friends..."

-Meanwhile, in some unknown location, Bill the Elf regains his senses, completely restrained inside a dark jail cell.  A figure approaches him through the shadows.
"Bill the Elf..."
"Yes. We have much to talk about..."

And on that bombshell, we conclude this session. Stay tuned next time to see what happens, what the PCs will do now that the quest that has consumed almost the last two years of the campaign is concluded, and whether Bill the Elf will really return. Stay tuned!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Poker + Gawith's St.Jame's Flake


  1. They should have had Teddy take the Throne!

    (or maybe Bill will take it? :P )

    1. Teddy being a Celestial makes that impossible, even if someone was insane enough to make Bill god, he would luckily explode a few seconds later.

    2. Especially with his low inteligence