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Saturday 1 September 2018

DCC Campaign Update: Is There a Hot Topic Anywhere?

In our last session, the PCs had gone on one more side-quest, defeating the Cyborg-Grandmother in her Death Fortress, and obtaining the Magic Wafer from her semi-robotic corpse. Now, they're planning to avoid returning to the main quest by taking a short vacation in the most exciting place in the Upper Band of the world of the Last Sun's skies: Fuck Station Aleph.


-"Why didn't they call it the 'five footed dragon' instead of the 'one headed dragon'?"
"Good question!"
"That would have made people think it was a very small dragon!"

-"Lenny smote the dragon."
"I smoted it!"
"Smoited sounds like lenny is from New Jersey."

-"Heidi has explosive diarrhea."
"Did he eat my jam?"

-"Sami and Laquanda almost had a Sass-off"

-"Vizi, you've been on the sun for what feels like a month"
"Was it a month?"
"No, but you've been high the whole time so you can't say for sure."

-Roman berates Republican Jesus when he finds out that Sami took off from the sun and most of the rest of the party are still missing. But then he gets high and forgets about it.

-Korean Jesus is hysterical with having to do all the work in the Sun now plus taking care of Mongo.

-Catboy tries to get a flying lesson from Space Bear.
"Oh, ok. So I press this?"
"Oh. Sorry."

-"Catboy's gone back to being completely pathetic the second he stopped being a Halconlord."
"Now he's got a chance with Anema again!"

-Sami gives the Barbarian Wizard 10000gp on the condition that he'll stop talking to her.
"That's a lot of money."
"I really value his shutting up."

-The Superfly II arrives on Fuck Station Aleph.

-"Can we please stop talking about the Vegomagus' sex life on Fuck Station Aleph?"
"The point is, don't bring weapons onto Fuck Station Aleph, and don't murder a shopkeeper to steal her magical stuff."
"One would think that wouldn't need to be said but all past experience proves otherwise."

-"Remember, if you get lost, we parked in the Commander Adama Memorial Hangar Bay."

-"Should we leave Heidi here alone?"
" me die.."
"He'll be fine."

- Roman beams Vizi down there, with orders to get everyone together and beam them back up immediately. But...
"We're on Fuck Station Aleph? Aw man, that's great! I remember I had something to tell you guys, but just now I've forgotten it in all the excitement."

-"Who's this guy?"
"I is Chad, Barbarian Wizard. Me Vegomagus' replacement."
"Why do you talk like that? Are you Barbarian Yoda?"

-"We're going to the Sky Soul-Train."
"Great, we'll do some shopping and meet you there."
"I don't know if you're funky enough to get in."

-"While we're here, if a girl tells you to eat her out, Lenny, she doesn't mean what you probably think she means."
"Yeah, I know. That's a thing in the Demon Realms too. And I usually remembered it."

-Getting through the entry area, the PCs get to a large directory-map of Fuck Station Aleph to get their bearings.
"There's the Armor District... and there's the Weapon District..."
"Is there a Hot Topic anywhere?"

-"We were only here once before but we know our way around Fuck Station Aleph better than Lol, which we've been to tons of times."
"That's because we knew Lol wasn't going to survive us going in."
"Yeah, Fuck Station Aleph survived our first visit. Now we're trying again."

-"Hi. Do you want to join me at the temple of the flesh?"
"Sorry, I just finished being a Halconlord. I'm not allowed to join a new cult for at least a week."

-The Barbarian buys an Econo-value Jetpack.
"It's maximum speed is only 90' per round. You know this means you'll all have to either fly only at that speed, or leave the barbarian wizard behind."
"We all know what choice we'll be making."

-Catboy buys a Comm, with Interweb capacity.
"I'm setting up my interweb account. My user name is BOYLORD25. There were 24 other Boylords already, I don't know why."
"You do not want to meet those other boylords..."

-After buying weapons and armor and jetpacks, the party heads to Magic Alley, where they find the Curiosity Shoppe.
"Do you have a scroll of Find Familiar?"
"We do not! But we do have a map to a pet shop!"

-Catboy gets himself an amulet of protection from mental danger.
"How does it work?"
"Well.. it protects you... from danger.. mental danger."

-"Do you have a ring of protection?"
"Do you have an amulet of protection?"
"Do you have a hat of protection?"

-"I'll get the hat of protection for you, barbarian wizard, but you owe me one."
"OK, thank you Catboy!"
"I should just keep the hat..."

-Vizi, meanwhile, trades a demon's horn for a 'cool cloak', covered with sequins.
"It looks like something Liberace would wear."
"This doesn't seem like it was a good trade."
"Yes it was!"

-"What about you Lenny, don't you want anything?"
"Well, it would be good if I could have something to help with my miracles. Do you have anything that could help me with my miracles?"
"Why don't you ask him for something that could multiply your meat?"
"That would be like cheating!"

-"Do you have some kind of really decent cleaver?"
"YES! I have this Japanese cleaver which can cut through almost anything. Witness how it chops through this Staff of Wizardry like it was nothing!"
"Oh god!"
"What a waste!"

-"We got Lenny the cleaver."
"Yeah, it's Japanese, apparently."
"What's 'japanese apparently'?"

-"Sami can me get another loan?"
"What? I just gave you a bunch of money!"
"Yes but you give Vizi more!"
"Yes, but I actually like Vizi."
"Oh. Me understand."

-They visit a new-age bookstore.
"Do you have scroll of find familiar?"
"We have a book called Communicating With Your Spirit Animal by someone named Tobias Greybeard."
"From his picture in the back cover he looks like an extremely white dude dressed up as a native american."

-"Do you have any actual magic books?"
"We have a book called A Womyn's History of Feminist Witchcraft."
"Does it say anything about a daemon named Zargon?"
"I doubt it, it's mostly about your vagina."
"But I don't have a vagina!"

-"This place is useless, let's leave."
"At least this time no one killed the shopkeeper."

-"I can't believe the catboy really gave the Barbarian Wizard the hardhat of protection."
"I had a moment of altruism; or as we call it in this campaign, 'weakness'."

-They move on to another bookstore, run by a grey-folk hippie.
"Welcome to this bookstore, and I apologize for my extraplanar grey privilege."
"Can I just take this book?"
"Well, yes, if you would consider that reparations."
"I'm probably going to go broke from doing this all the time, but at least everyone will know just how woke I am."

-The gang get down to the entertainment district, where they find the Sky Soul-Train nightclub; they're about to be stopped by the bouncer but he's convinced by Vizi's Liberace-cape and star-shaped sunglasses. They find Blitzkrieg and Laquanda, with another large dude, and a blob creature.
"Hey, you made it. This is my friend Bizzy."
"I'm Vizi!"
"No, he's Bizzy."

-"Do you guys have any whiskey here?"
"No. Courvoisier."
"They'll all have some Courvoisier."

-"What's your name?"
"*uningelligble warbling*"
"He's xrolzytz, a blob creature. Xrolzytz, this is Sami."
"So.. um.. you come here often?"

-Sami is quickly hitting the dance floor with the blob creature.
"Hey, don't judge me! The thing with Space Bear was obviously going nowhere."

-Catboy and the Barbarian Wizard, meanwhile, had been trying to find a real magic vendor, and they end up in the Kekistani District, in search of an enigmatic wizard named "Q". On the way there, they get held up by a group of Kekistani thieves, and at the same time attacked by a group of hookers that seem to belong to the Sex Cult that tried to recruit Catboy earlier in the session. They escape thanks to the econo-jetpack, and get to Q.
"So, we'll trade you your scrolls of Runic Alphabet Mortal and Runic Alphabet Fey for our three random scrolls, 1700gp, and the barbarian's pants."
"But only if you include a meme."
"What is meme?"
"He gave me an image on my com of some guy saying 'you can't get fired if you don't have a job'. For some reason, that's awesome!"

-Bizzy recruits the team to join him in a job, to kill a bunch of Sezrekhan Zombies that are infesting the lower levels of Fuck Station Aleph.
The team meets up back in the hangar bay.
"Catboy, did you join a cult?"
"Why did you hesitate?!"
"He wanted to."
"What about you, Sami? Did you have sex with a blob creature?"
"Yes. Yes I did."

-"So this is the guy who hired us?"
"Yeah. His names Bizzy."
"No, that's Vizi, there."
"No, he's Bizzy."
"Yo man. Ding dong?"

-"I'm checking on Heidi. I knock on the door of the toilet."
"For G.O.D.'s sake don't come in here! Save yourself!"

-"So just checking, we all agree that when the black guy dies, we bail, right?"

-They head down the turbolift shaft, into a large chamber filled with Sezrekhan Zombies.
"I shoot at a sezrekhan zombie!"
"You hit and kill that one. It died so quickly because it was a child."
"Congratulations, you killed a child."

-Bizzy was hit by a Sezrekhan zombie, and turns into one of them. Vizi murders him.
"Sorry, dude. But there can be only one!"

-"Lenny had some kind of a seizure when he tried to use the power of G.O.D. to liberate all the Sezrekhan zombies."
"I heal him."
"I'm sorry, Sami, I failed again."
"It's not really your fault Lenny."
"Yes it is, Lenny. You're useless!"
"Don't say that to him right now, Catboy!"
"Why you mean to me but not mean to Lenny?"
"Again, Barbarian Wizard, because I like him."
"Oh, yes."

-Vizi gets hit and turns into a Sezrekhan Zombie too! Then he hits the Barbarian Wizard.
"Vizi hit me, I might turn into a zombie too. Can I prepare myself somehow to resist it?"
"Well, there's Divine Aid."
"OK, I'll move over next to you Sami."
"No, I meant you could try to get divine aid."
"But I can't do that.."
"Not my problem."

-Sami does manage to use Divine Aid to cure Vizi of SezerkAIDS.
"The barbarian is heavily wounded."
"OK, I heal Vizi."

-"Man, that healing felt really good. But not as good as when all was Sezrekhan. I can really see the appeal now."

-"I concentrate really really hard on  not turning into a zombie"
"He looks like he's trying really hard to take a shit. He should eat more fiber!"

-The Barbarian Wizard turns into a Sezrekhan Zombie!
"The concentrating didn't work."
"Sezrekhan is all..."
"You can't even say the Sezrekhan Zombie phrase right, you useless fuck!"

-"The Barbarian Wizard is so stupid he's probably corrupting Sezrekhan!"
"It's like that scene in Independence Day where they download the virus on the alien mothership!"

-"Should we just put him on a leash?"
"Or we could cover ourselves with his blood and then that might confuse the other Sezrekhan Zombies into thinking we're one of them."

-Vizi gets turned into a zombie AGAIN! And he attacks Lenny, but misses.
"Lenny has good armor class."
"We should all have eaten some Jesuses."

-Sami tries to restore Vizi again.
"Damn it G.O.D. this is what I pay you for!"

-Vizi-zombie hits the Barbarian Wizard, and the Barbarian Wizard dies.
"At least he didn't turn into a zombie!"

-"Lenny, do you want to butcher the Barbarian Wizard?"
"No, I don't think I should. He might still be infected with Sezrekhan."
"And besides we don't really know where else he's been."

-"Should we keep trying to fight the zombies?"
"No, fuck it, let's get out of here, we need to go back to the Sun."
"Oh yeah, that's what I was supposed to tell you guys!"
"But I still wanted to go to Hot Topic!"

-When they get back to the Superfly II, they find that a trio of newbies have broken in! It's a Posh Elf Pilot, a Scottish Mutant Sky-Sailor, and a Human Sky-Hobo.

And on that bombshell, we leave you for today.  Stay tuned next time to see if the PCs finally get to the Crown of Creation, with newbies and all!


Currently Smoking: Italian Redbark + C&D's Crowley's Best

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