The new and improved defender of RPGs!

Sunday, 20 March 2016

DCC Campaign Update: Pandassasins!

So as of last adventure, the PCs found themselves in the Dust Sea, looking for the Archemaster's new lair, determined to get from him the Arrow of Seeking which has the possibility to lead them to a surviving Ancient.  They need to do this, because G.O.D. has woken up from his "emergency mode", and apparently plans to wipe out most life in the world in order to start again from scratch (to make things worse, according to reliable information, the tools needed to remake the world don't actually exist anymore, which means it would be the end for everything)!
G.O.D. has ensconced himself in the highest dimension, the Crown of Creation, which can't even be reached by anyone other than an ancient with the correct control codes.

So here's what happened:

-"Ack'basha might be trying to kill the world, but you're a weirdo!"
"We're not so different, you and I"

-The fanfic-porn-writer quickly gets himself in over his head by getting hired as Sandy the Bikini-Chainmail-barbarian Warlord's 'chronicler'.
"so... I'm guessing you're a 'top', right?"
"...I'm a top warlord!"

-Suddenly, horrific mutant creatures with a hideous appearance come forth out of the sands and attack the PCs!
"Are we seriously being attacked by six-armed Sand-assholes?"

-"I like how Ack'basha still keeps pretending like he's thinking about what he's going to do at the start of combat. Like he's ever going to choose something for the good of the party, and not just cast Holy Sanctuary on himself"

-"This is one fight where no matter who the winner is, it's going to be some sort of asshole".

-Ack'basha fails to cast Holy Sanctuary, and is actually taken down by a deadly grab-and-bite combo that the PCs immediately dub the "sphincter attack".

-"I, Sandy the Warlord, devastated the asshole! I want your chronicle to say that!"
"Oh, believe me, it will"

-"Ugh.. I'm covered in whatever fluids that sand-asshole had inside it."

-The PCs finally find their way to the Archemaster's new base.  A huge, rusted, semi-ruined Ancients' structure in the middle of the Dust Sea.  It is covered in magical runes that the fanfic-writer identifies as being wards preventing access to Daemons and annulling Daemonic magic.
"What a craphole!"

-As soon as they enter, they are confronted by a group of incorporeal undead that seem to be the phantasms of long-dead technicians.
"Look out, Nerd-Wraiths!"

-"This door is sealed, Doctor Theobald, do you know how to get it open?"
"Possibly, but I don't have any tools".
"I have some thief tools!"
" just gave me medieval thief tools to open a super high-tech Star-trek slidey-door."
"Can you do it or not?"

-In fact, the Ape-man academic was not able to open the star-trek door with medieval thief tools.  So Sandy starts working on bashing it to pieces with her axe.  She does this for about ten minutes before the PCs remember they have a super-strong Industrial Robot on their team.

-In the next area, they encounter some highly emaciated Snow-creatures.
"What kind of idiot would stock his desert-dungeon with snow-golems?!"
"Well, remember, the guy used to be based in the tundra..."

-They quickly dispatch the pathetic creatures, who were already on their last legs.
"Anyone actually hurt?"
"No, the only casualty here was the Archemaster's dignity"

-Next they get to an area that has an ancient (now insane) robotic brain, guarded by a few Robo-wasps, which have a decent amount of hit points but pathetic armor and weapons. They too are quickly dispatched.
"What the fuck is this, The Dungeon of Pathetic Creatures?!"

-The Insane Computer demands that all the PCs bow before it, and swear allegiance to eternal Evil!
"That's not even an alignment here!"


"I have a couple of fanfics that start that way..."

-Ack'basha tries to convince the computer
"The Evil that G.O.D. will accomplish is greater than any other considerations!"

-Sandy finally gets tired of the evil computer and smashes it to pieces.

-The PCs move on to a huge chamber that looks like the central power-plant.  As they arrive, they're confronted by more of the Archemaster's Ice Golems, coming in from the other entrance!
These are in slightly better shape than the ones at the start, but with the extreme heat of the room, they start to melt all on their own.

-Chu is a bit impatient.
"If the heat doesn't get them, my flamethrower will!"

-They move on into a room where a Dark Elf is sitting meditating.  It turns out he's a sinister Dark Elf warrior/wizard, who like most Dark Elves looks totally badass but has a stupid name and a squeaky little voice.
In this case, he is "Darth Tobias" and came to this complex to try to control some ancient artifacts, giant statues, in the other room.  The PCs try to recruit him but he's not interested in joining their quest to save the world, only to gain the awesome power of the God-statues.

-"So, he's trying to control superpowerful ancient artifacts that have dark power?  Yeah, boys, I'm pretty sure this is a problem that will solve itself..."

-Instead of fighting him, the PCs just go past him, and then seal him in the room with an extra-powerful Ward Portal spell, just to piss him off.   There's nothing more fun than pissing off Dark Elves. They deserve it.

-The PCs are nearly at the Archemaster's chamber, when suddenly, Pandassasins attack!
Yes, those are Pandas who are also assassins.

-They also have some magical abilities.  Unfortunately for the PCs, one of them involves mentally dominating Sandy the Warlord, and having her start to attack the PCs. Somehow, they've managed to turn the most pathetic dungeon they've been in into the deadliest encounter they've had in ages!

-Bill the Elf tries to use a Planar Step to get out of Dodge, misfires, and ends up making all the PCs switch places.  Suddenly, most of the party is left out in the statuary room with the Pandassasins, while Bill and Chu are left stuck with a still mind-controlled and murderous Sandy!  Well, she's ALWAYS murderous, but usually its toward people other than the PCs.

-"Chu, do you have anything that can stop Sandy?!"
"Only my spear, and a desperate will to live!"

-Chu impressively manages to disarm Sandy!
"That gives us a chance!"
"She'll probably just start punching the shit out of us.. please please just punch the shit out of us!"

-Bill tries to counter the mind control with magic, and this causes a Phlogiston Disturbance, which leads to a "bullet time" confrontation between him and the Chief Pandassassin-wizard, while everyone else is moving in ultra-slow motion.

-Bill takes advantage of "Bullet time" by touching Sandy with the Primo Staff, leaving her stoned out of her mind.  Then he goes and kills the fuck out of the Pandassassin boss.

-When ordinary-time comes back, Sandy is tripping balls next to the panda corpse.
"This dead panda is soooo fuzzy..."

-The remaining Pandassasins are made to flee, but not before the fanfic-writer was tragically slain.  His last request is that his final erotic fanfics be published.  Ack'basha immediately burns them all instead.

-The party finally encounters the Archemaster, in a room filled with treasure, and a Sand Elemental, and a couple of very sickly looking dire snow-apes.  Just by looking at him, the PCs can tell the Archemaster is bugfuck nuts.

-Everything else in the world of the Last Sun may be facing extinction, but there's no risk of running out of crazy wizards any time soon.

-"what the fuck happened to you, man?"
"I'm having a temporary staffing problem!"

-The Archemaster is willing to peaceably part with the Arrow of Seeking, but he demands one of two conditions: he must either be given a "perfect human girl of marriageable age", or the death of the Council of Really Old Wizards (who drove him away from the Tundra).

-The PCs use the Arrow of Seeking, and it teleports them all to a half-collapsed deep underground chamber with a single Cryo-statis Tube.  Inside, there is a healthy-looking adult male Ancient wearing the uniform of the Command Staff.  Exactly what they need to get to the Crown of Creation and have a chance to stop G.0.D.'s insane plan.

-The second they free him, the Wizard Nikos teleports in from nowhere, grabs the Ancient, and teleports away!  He was playing the PCs all along.  Unable to get into the Archemaster's warded lair, he manipulated Bill and later the whole party to get the arrow and lead him to the Ancient he needed, presumably to go to the Crown of Creation himself.

(crazy old Greek wizards are the worst of all!)

"What a fucking asshole!"

So, we stop off there, once again finding that the PCs have potentially fucked up the world even worse than before.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario + Rattray's Old Gowrie


  1. so which condition did the PCs choose?

    1. They ended up agreeing on either/or. That is, whichever they can manage to accomplish first. I suspect they were really just willing to say anything to get their hands on the Arrow.