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Thursday 22 March 2018

DCC Campaign Update: At Least I Still Have My Vanilla Ice Poster

Last time, Heidi, Sami and Vizi had been sent by BOLT-0 and the Time Dinosaurs to stop the Dimension Bugs from making their way through a pocket dimension into the regular space-time and devouring it all.
The Vegomagus and the Catboy, meanwhile, were busy with Historical Jesus, trying to "find" Chocolate Jesus, who had been eaten by Mongo.

"Hey Historical Jesus, do you guys have a toilet here? Some laxatives?"
"Are you unwell?"
"I'm a catperson. I have so many parasites you wouldn't believe."

(This, according to catboy's player, is how he imagines his character)

-"We have no time for this. We must find Chocolate Jesus. He may have fallen to the dark side."
"I'm sure he has!"

-"Hey Historical Jesus, do you think it could be G.O.D.'s will for me to get a book that teaches me Magic Missile?"

-"By the end of this, Chocolate Jesus won't be chocolate."
"Holy shit."

-While searching for Mongo, the catboy comes across a door marked "Do Not Enter".
"I can't resist! Curiosity..."

-Inside, he finds a Korean Jesus, who's frantically filling out paperwork.
"What you want?!"
"Um, nothing really.."
"Go away. Very busy!!"

-Black Jesus barges in.
"Catboy, get the fuck out of here! Don't you go bothering Korean Jesus; he's the one who gets all the work done around here!"

-The Catboy finally finds Mongo, having forgotten that Mongo thinks of the catboy as his pet.
"Oh shit."

-While being squeezed and cuddled by the giant man-child, the Catboy notices an equally-desperate bunny being squeezed in Mongo's other arm.
"Where the hell did you find a rabbit, Mongo?"

-The catboy's plan is to feed Mongo laxatives to get him to poop out chocolate jesus.
"I guess I better open the bottle for him, because it's probably got a child-safety lid."
"Ok, roll."
"I fail."
"You can't open the bottle."

-The catboy shoots the bottle, scaring Mongo who destroys a priceless statue for no reason and runs away.
The shot also scared the Vegomagus (who's temporarily blinded because the strong lighting in the Sun disrupts his cybernetic eyes); the Vegomagus casts Animal Summoning reflexively.
"Historical Jesus looks at you both as if he's realizing he's made a terrible mistake."

-"Historical Jesus, dost thou haveth--"
"Art thou mocking me?!"
"um.. no."

-"Do you have Restore Vitality?"
"You know he probably does, but he's just an asshole."

-"Art thou saying that Mongo hath EATEN Chocolate Jesus?"
"Well... yes."
"So the laxatives were for Mongo?"
"And thou thought that this would restore Chocolate Jesus?"
"If thou wast eaten by a giant, wouldst thou come back after he evacuated? Or wouldst thou just be a pile of crap?"

-"You're not going to punish Mongo, are you?"
"No. Mongo is an innocent, but he must be handled more carefully... wait, is that a rabbit?! Where did he even get that?"
"He named it Carl."

-"We must take care Mongo commit no more atrocities."
"Yeah. Also, he's about to shit himself."
"Oh no! Take me away from here, please!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot that you're totally blind right now. Does that mean you're sense of smell is like augmented?"
"Oh god!"

-"Your mission here is done. Go in peace, to love and serve others. And fuck off."

-Vegomagus and the catboy were about to go when suddenly they hear weird TARDIS-noises, and find themselves in the Kirbyesque time-palace of the Time Dinosaurs!

"You mean Bolt-zero, right?"
"Yeah, but that's a zero at the end of your name."
"Hey, you're right! He should be called bolt-zero!"

-"Your son is Bolt-1, pronounced 'bolt-one'; so you should be bolt-zero"
"I AM BOLT-0!"
"Heh, we're pissing him off."

-"Look, we were busy doing stuff together. We don't want to go on a mission."
"It's not that!"
"He's just mad about the bolt-zero thing."

-"Are you with Captain Harry?"
"Aren't you violating the laws of time by bringing us here?"

-BOLT-0 has to explain to the Vegomagus that no, you can't use Time Dinosaur parts to summon regular dinosaurs.
"Which one?"

-"I'm trying to annoy BOLT-0 to get him to send us away faster."
"You know that you're probably just making it all take longer, right?"
"Hey, it worked when we did it with Jesus, right?"
"Yeah, true. Go Team Useless!"

-"So the Dimension Bugs are like... dimensions, and bugs?"
"we're getting used to this!"

-"BOLT-O could you write me a book about magic missile spells?"
"He can't write anything, he's just a giant head!"
"Maybe he has telepathic powers?"
"Maybe he has tiny robot hands??"

-"The Vegomagus and Catboy are comic relief in a party of comic relief."

"We know what you're up to, robot!"
"Yeah.  No deal. Here's where you say 'rats'."

-The rest of the PCs were in an interdimensional hallway with weird gravity, when suddenly they see two figures appearing out of nowhere.
"You realize that it's the catboy and the vegomagus."
"Ohhh. Fire!"

-"Why the fuck did Bolt-0 send you?"
"He thought you were all dead by now."
"He must be wanting to handicap us."
"They can work as cannon fodder, I guess."
"Yes, my porcupines can be cannon fodder!"
"You know he wasn't talking about the porcupines, right?"
"I know, I'm just trying to put up a good face to mask my hurt."

-The PCs move on to a vast grand hall, positioned with weird gravity perpendicular to their point of entry, that reaches down toward a huge energy web on one end, and a distant stone altar on the other end.

-"Vegomagus, do you have a fire spell?"
"No, but I can make light!"
"If I asked if you had a water spell would you try to lick me?"

-"I have a grenade. We could throw that at the web?"
"I could have a porcupine shoot quills!"
"You aren't helping your cause, Vegomagus."

-"So, are we supposed to destroy the web?"
"I don't know."
"BOLT-0 didn't actually tell us anything about how to end this!"
"BOLT-0 told us nothing!"

-"Do I see heat signatures from the web?"
"I forgot you could do that."
"With my cyber-eyes I can see heat, radiation, night vision..."
"But you can't see love."

-The giant energy-web is full of regular dimension bugs plus one really huge dimension bug.
"We should kill them."
"We should kill them in groups... to maximize the experience points we gain."

-"I could get Vizi's laser-sword and fly over to cut the web."
"That's assuming you could take my laser-sword!"

-"Hey Sami, can I wish for more wishes?"
"What? Do you think the Cleric is a genie or something?"
"But we can pay her for wishes!"
"No, that's not how clerics work."
"That was her old job!"

(how Sami's player imagines her)

-"I guess I'm going to shoot the web."
"Me too."
"wait, there's weird magical patches on the ceiling."
"Weird... how?"

-"Can you get me up there Heidi?"
"Me too?"
"Not with your porcupine."
"OK, I'll tell him to stay here."
"Now I just don't think I want to take you. The porcupine was just an excuse."

-"Are there any traps on the floor?"
A moment later, one of the PCs is hit by a spring trap designed to toss him into the gravity well leading to the web.
"Oh, wait, I guess there are traps."
"So, the catboy isn't really a thief at all, is he?"

-With Vizi on the roof (which has its own opposite gravity), the catboy shoots the patch nearest him and it comes to life, turning into a creature of pure darkness like the one that had almost killed Vizi back in gallery earlier.
"Oh shit!"
"Well, Vizi, you could always just step back and fall 60' down..."

-Heidi shoots at the blackness, and ends up hitting Vizi.
"I did 12 damage to him."
"Oh wait... does my deed die count?"
"In that case I did 16 damage to Vizi!"

-The 'darkblobs' try to hit Sami.
"I have Sanctuary!"
"Oh, right! Then it hits Vizi instead and drops him."
"Another Sanctuary casualty..."

-"Guys, help!"
"Don't worry, my balls are coming!"
"For fuck's sake, say Force Manipulation Balls!"

-Heidi grabs the darkblob enveloping Vizi and tears it in half.
"Yeah, I was pretty sure I was going to hurt Vizi too."

-While everyone else is fighting, Catboy starts putting makeup on.
"What the hell are you doing that for?!"
"To look better!"
"Imagine a cat. Now imagine a cat with makeup on. How the fuck does that look better?"

-Vizi gets enveloped by a darkblob again.
"Are you even trying to pull yourself off?"
"hehe, pull myself off!"
"You're trying but the darkblob has a very strong grip."

-"Doing another Force Manipulation, Vegomagus?"
"It's what's working for him, as much as anything ever works for the Vegomagus."
"That's generous of you."

-"If I had Magic Missile I'd be killing them all!"
"I don't think so, they're literally made of Darkness."

-"You hit for moderate damage."
"He's moderately successful!"

-"Yay, I'm only the second most useless party member!"
"It would be really hard to set the bar lower than the Catboy."

-The Vegomagus hits another darkblob with a Force Ball, killing it.
"You're getting dropped by Team Useless, darkblobs!"

-The regular darkblobs having been vanquished, the party ends up getting to the altar and facing the Boss darkblob. It turns out to be a darkblob version of Mu!
"What?! Why?"
"I'm going to fire a forceball at him, that would probably be cathartic!"

-"BOLT-0 never even told us what to do!"
"Bolt-zero told us nothing!"

-"Can Locate Object locate our reason for being here?"
"Can it locate my will to live?"

-The back wall behind the altar has a strange pattern of non-euclidian geometric designs.
"This seems to form into some kind of a planar gateway."
"So you're saying we should break it?"

-"OK, no one look at me while I cast this!"
"Why would we want to?"

-"Hey you guys, you left me way back here... is anyone going to pick me up?"

-"Heidi it's your turn to pick up the catboy."
"No way, its yours."
"You lose."

-"I wonder what Mongo is doing right now..."
"What the fuck makes you think about that at a time like this?!"

-The PCs go down a side-corridor and reach a room with a pit of trash. While investigating said trash, a real-life living Mu surprise attacks them!

-"Wait... Sami?! Is that you? My love you've come back to me!"
"Oh man it's an alternate timeline Mu..."
"Just a second, let me kill Heidi and then we'll finally be together forever!"

-The Vegomagus rolls a 1 on a spellcheck, and now the corridor has no friction.

-Vizi slips from the frictionless corridor and falls into the trash pile, on top of a bunch of "Boyz 2 Men" posters.

-This alternate-timeline Mu is a Thief, rather than a wizard. He hits Heidi for 3 points of damage.
"Oh no, Sami, quick heal Heidi, even though I'm way more damaged and you can't be bothered to heal me."
"Vizi is butthurt."
"Well, I was 12hp down and Sami said I was fine, but Heidi gets a paper cut and suddenly she rushes to save him."

-"What the fuck, Sami? Suddenly you're on Heidi's side? After all we've been through?"
"We need to kill this Mu and loot his body, quick."

-"Wait, Thief-Mu, what did your Heidi do to you?"
"He was a selfish asshole."
"Well yeah, but I mean, wasn't your Heidi a 'pacifist'?"
"No, he was a Libertarian."

-"so wait, you guys are from a different timeline than me?"
"I don't know this guy..."
"That's the catboy."
"And where's Laquanda?"

-"I guess our team was a lot better than your team, thief-Mu."
"Yeah, ours constantly fucked everything up."
"Oh, so about the same, then."

-"Sami, babe, will you take me back now?"
"Hell no!"
"But I'm your little Mu-Mu!"
"Fuck, he must have come from a really disturbing timeline."

-"We were in love! I gave everything to you. You seriously mean in this timeline we weren't in love? What about when you lost both your arms and I had to bathe you?"
"No, obviously! Look, arms!"
"Well, they grew back!"

-"I think we just need to find Laquanda. She was vital to our becoming a couple in the first place!"
"Man, now I really want to meet this Laquanda!"

-"Hey thief-Mu, can I take some of your posters?"
"Only the Vanilla Ice posters."
"Eww. What the hell, I take one anyways."

-They move on, taking Thief-Mu with them.
"Thief-mu is searching for traps, looking around carefully, he's acting like a proper thief. So it's a totally new experience for the catboy."

-"So were you and Heidi always enemies, Mu?"
"No, Heidi and I were kind of friends at first, then he read that Ayn Rand book and everything went to shit."

-"Wait, you guys call him Bolt-zero in your timeline?"
"Yes we do!"
"hehe, we're teaching thief-Mu wrong as a joke."

-The PCs find the key to the gateway, and end up facing the lair of the chief Dimension Bug Intelligence. It spews out these acid attacks, and Vizi takes massive damage. Heidi also takes a few points of damage.
"Sami, I need you!"
"Coming, Heidi"
"god damn it!"

-In the end, Vizi proves the hero, making a critical hit that doesn't do any damage but following it up with a second crit that kills the Dimension Bug leader.

-With the pocket dimension fading, BOLT-0 teleports the team out of there.
"We made it, Sami my love! And now I'm going to win you back, and make you love me again like---"
"He vanished!"
"Thank goodness."

-"At least I still have my vanilla ice poster!"

-"BOLT-0, return out to our timeline!"
"Wait, he still has to pay us!"

-No sooner have they returned, Anema kidnaps the catboy, teleporting the two of them away.
"While you were gone, the relationship between Anema and Fabritzio has not improved."

-"She has a crush on the catboy! We need to find them, quick!"

-The heroes rush off to try to find the catboy, leaving the Vegomagus (who is blind in the sun) in the hallway alone.
"Guys? Hello??"

That's everything for this session. Stay tuned  next time to see if the PCs can repair the relationship between the spirit of the Sun and the rebel biker-wight so they can finally get to the Crown of creation.


Currently Smoking: Dunhill Diplomat + C&D's Crowley's Best

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