The new and improved defender of RPGs!

Friday 9 March 2018

DCC Campaign Update: It Was Probably Alan Moore

In our last session, the "heroes" were going through a dungeon, on the advice of Captain Harry (who turned out to be Heidi's grandson, from the future). He thought that the death of the Hippomagus could be made up for if Heidi obtained a very powerful Chaos sword that could slay Daemons.

They'd made their way through the whole dungeon, and got to a black door with some dangerous spells on it.


-Vizi was still up on the Sun, engaging in some couples counselling between Anema (the Spirit of the Sun) and Fabritzio (the rebel biker wight from the Zombie Empire, Anema's ex-boyfriend who had eaten her soul).
"OK you two, so the first thing to do would be for both of you to smoke a little weed!"

-Anema is a Celestial, Fabritzio is undead. Weed won't actually affect either of them.
"I would need some kind of undead weed."
"There's undead weed?"

-"Well, I'm basically out of ideas. When I was a shaman, weed would pretty much fix everything."

-"Do you have food here?"
"The Jesuses... Jesi... can make food. It's one of their tricks. Our whole pantry is pretty much just one loaf and one fish."

-"Hey Black Jesus, could I get some vanilla ice cream?"
"Seriously, motherfucker?"

-The ice cream solution doesn't work either.
"Anema doesn't really care for cold foods, and Fabritzio only eats souls."

-Vizi tries to get Anema and Fabritzio to make a list of their 'cons' about their potential relationship.
"Ok, let me see... Fabritzio's con is that he wants all the sexy ladies... Anema's con is that she's got a crush on the catboy."
"Oh for fuck's sake!"
"She even drew a little cute picture of a cat and some hearts."

-Vizi decides he needs backup, so he gets Sami summoned to the Sun. Fabritzio immediately hits on her.
"You're not  my type. You're poor."

-Historical Jesus takes the Catboy and Vegomagus on a quest to find Chocolate Jesus, who he thinks has betrayed them. In fact, Chocolate Jesus was eaten by Mongo.

-Vizi and Sami are sent back the others in the dungeon, since none of their relationship advice is really working anyways.

-"If that door doesn't have a magic lock, it should blow up when I shoot it?"
"I don't know."
" you're saying I should shoot it..."

-"RJ could summon a lobster!"
"Man, Vizi is so high right now!"

-Sami thinks her divine aid has dispelled the dangerous spells, but she's not sure.
"Sami is walking back into the hallway."
"You're not filling us with confidence here..."

-After some time, Sami actually makes certain she has dispelled the dangerous spells. Vizi breaks open the lock with his laser-sword, and Heidi kicks down the door.
"NYPD! Nobody move!"
"...I just always wanted to say that"

-There's a bigass classic-looking Demon in the room, guarding a badass heavy-metal-style black rune-covered sword.
"Orobaz is bound to stop you, underlings!"

-"Orobaz was bound here by a Daemon."
"Was it Alan Moore?"
"I am bound not to speak his name."
"It was probably Alan Moore."

-"Why don't you just leave?"
"Orobaz is bound to this room."
"Man, you must really be pissed off."
"Orobaz is very pissed off!"

-"What if we kill the Daemon who bound you?"
"Orobaz cannot name him."
"But it's Alan Moore, right?"
"Orobaz cannot confirm or deny."
"But can you say if it was a British dude with a long beard?"
"That could be at least a half-dozen Daemons."

-"I'll give you this delicious bucket of ice cream!"
"Orobaz is bound not to accept bribes."
"Damn, they thought of everything!"

-Vizi tries to use his psychic power to get a glimpse of the past in the area. But all he gets is an image of the old hag missing her master.
"Well, that didn't help."
"As usual, psionics do nothing."

-"Is your master among us?"
"The one who bound me is not here."
"Did the one who bound you write V For Vendetta?"

-Finally, the team decides to just fuck it, and Vizi, Heidi and RJ all empty their clips at the Demon from the other room, figuring it can't leave his chamber. Unfortunately, in the time they took the spells that had been temporarily dispelled have come back in force, and all their shots just bounce off the Wizard-lock force field.
"RJ dives to the ground, having made his saving throw. The rest of you guys take ricochet damage."
"So you're saying Jesus saves?"

-"Sami is really good with her laying-on-hands."
"does she lay on hands with a happy ending?"

-Heidi flies into the room and slams into the demon. The demon tries to hit him but fumbles.
"Orobaz is out of practice!"

-Republican Jesus empties a clip into the Demon.
"Eat hot American lead, haji!"

-Unfortunately, the demon is immune to normal bullets.
RJ starts to bless his M16.

-The demon hits Vizi and permanently drains 4hp from him!
"Can Jesus heal?"
"Not RJ, he just shoots the fuck out of shit."
"Historical Jesus can heal. Baby Jesus can probably heal. Black Jesus can get down. Chocolate Jesus isn't around anymore. And I'm pretty sure that Mexican Jesus is just a guy."

-Heidi gets a critical hit on Orobaz and cuts a chunk right through him.
"Holy shit, he just took like a solid block out of him, like it was a cartoon or something!"
"You made him a paraplegic!"
"Next sword he protects will be from a wheelchair!"
"Jesus, I kind of feel bad for the demon."
"Motherfucking giddy up!"

-While they were fighting, Captain Harry got a hold of the sword. The PCs finish killing the demon.

-"Should I get the sword now, Harry?"
"Depends.. what's your intelligence? Actually, maybe I should just hold it for now until we're at the Crown of Creation."

-Suddenly, just as the PCs are about to head back into the sun, they hear a weird TARDIS-esque sound, and they (and only they, not Roman or Captain Harry or Republican Jesus) are transported through a vortex into another place. A place with velociraptors dressed in victorian garb.
"Oh shit, the Time Dinosaurs!"

-They're on a multicolored platform seemingly made of light, leading down a walkway full of Kirby-Esque structures, culminating in a stunning ziggurat with a giant Robot head on the top!

-"Holy shit, you know what this is?"
"Yeah, another side-quest."

-The Time Dinosaurs lead the PCs up to the giant head, answering any questions they ask but always in their incomprehensible dino-language.
The Giant Robot Head's eyes light up.

-"Hey Bolt-0, do you know my my grandson Harry? He's a time traveler."
"Oh yeah, we're not with him."
"I totally remember him once saying 'fuck Bolt-0'!"

-It turns out that the great enemies of the Time Dinosaurs, the Dimension Bugs, are attempting another incursion into regular space-time. BOLT-O has extracted the PCs from their own time in order to take them to the pocket dimension they've prepared for their incursion, in order to stop them breaking through.
"Do we get paid for this?"
"Oh great."

-"You could come with us, BOLT-0!"
"You used to be a cool robot."

-The PCs are transported to some huge stairs. BOLT-0's head appears in a hologram with a final message.
"Oh great!"
"Even better."

-They go up the stairs to a doorway covered in strange non-euclidian patterns.
"Like, weird shapes?"
"Like, Lovecraft shit!"

-The door opens to an empty room.
"I throw the demon Orobaz's balls into the room!"
"Wait... you cut off the demon's balls and took them with you?"
"Ok... you toss them into the room and nothing happens."
"It's safe, guys! I walk into the room and recover the balls."

-The PCs find a trap door on the floor, but can't open it.
"I'll cut it open with my laser sword!"
"Hey, instead of destroying everything, why don't we check the other, normal door that exits the room?"
"But destroying everything has always worked for us so far!"

-They move on to a gallery of stunning (though sometimes eerie) paintings. Heidi and Vizi start immediately destroying the art.

-One of the paintings Vizi was about to destroys transforms into a cloud of blackness which envelops him, and spreads into the room causing fear to everyone. Everyone heroically abandons Vizi rushing to the next room.

-"Can we cast magic missile at the darkness??"
"Well no, for a couple of reasons. For starters, you have no magic-users."

-Vizi is completely enveloped by the blackness!
"Go Vizi! You've got him on the ropes now!"

-Vizi manages to defeat the blackness. The party then considers whether to fiddle around with the paintings, but finally just decide to round them ALL up and throw them into the pit of rotating knives they'd found in the other room.
"By the way that the GM is laughing, I'm betting that those paintings were important..."
"Hey, BOLT-0 picked us, he knows we're like this."

-They proceed down some stairs and find a library!  While Heidi starts looking at the books carefully, Vizi grabs a bunch and starts trying to throw them into a fireplace! As soon as he does so, the dust in the library starts to swirl and form into a Dust Elemental to attack them!
"Goddamnit, Vizi."

-They defeat the elemental, and then check out the books. Among the volumes they could identify were a Guide to General Engineering, A book about makeup, the complete works of Shakespeare, and a book written in Kobold called "Mysterious Transformation" (which turned out to be a romance novel).

-They move on to a room with some Tesla Coils, where they meet a creature made up of a patchwork-quilt of sewn body parts.
"It's a Frankenstein!"
"That's not a species. There's just one Frankenstein!"
"Well, that's one of them."
"Actually, Frankenstein was the guy who made him, not the monster..."
"No one cares."

-"Guys, that Frankenstein looks like it's concentrating really hard... or maybe it's about to fart!"

-"Hey are you the Frankenstein who drew those paintings upstairs? Because that art looked like shit!"

-The Frankenstein can use the electricity of the tesla coils, and is kicking the crap out of Vizi and Heidi, while Sami backs away and casts Lotus Stare; but she needs the Frankenstein to look at her.
"Hey, over here! Look! I'm topless!"

-After some more general beatings and Heidi fumbling and damaging his own jetpack, the Frankenstein finally gets caught by the Lotus Stare.
They move him away from the Tesla Coils (which were electrocuting the PCs as they fought), and then start literally 'disarming' him.

-They move on to a hallway that has weird escher-like effects as directions and gravity start to lose all meaning.

-Suddenly, they're attacked by some horrific insects that come out of the edges of the walls.
"So are those the Dimension Bugs?"
"There's two things you need to know about Dimension Bugs..."

-The dimension bugs fire energy webs that are very difficult to avoid. There's a crazy fight of PCs trying to hit the bugs while others break out of the webs.

-At one point, a bug criticals Heidi and pierces him with a stinger right through the jaw, costing him five teeth!
"Can the cleric heal that?"
"Clerics can cure light wounds, but not teeth."

-Vizi was paralyzed by the stinger; Sami tries to cure paralysis on him but fails, and gets her hands stuck in the web.
"Since my hands are stuck to him anyways, can I try again?"

-They manage to defeat the bugs, and see that past the hallway there's a vast hall, that is entirely at a 90' angle; one end goes off into the distance, and the other ends below in a huge tangled energy web like the ones the dimension bugs fired at them.

That's it for this session.  Stay tuned next time to see if the PCs get out of the pocket universe before they're totally screwed, and whether they will ever get to the Crown of Creation!


Currently Smoking: Blatter Diplomat + H&H's Delta Days